63 Things I Taught My Children About Dating, Part One of Five

 

Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating one year as part of our home school Bible class. I have been repeatedly asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>

 

1) A date is any specific period of time in which the two of you are purposely getting together in order to enjoy each other’s company, get to know each other better, to pay attention to each other; obviously, in this context it refers to romantic dating.

          Don’t fool yourself. Dating is not just asking a girl to the Valentine’s Banquet. “But we’re just friends, Dad.” Right. And I have some swamp land to sell you in Arizona. Identify it accurately so that you can plan for it wisely.

 

2) Don’t date your first semester of college.

          You are experiencing an enormous variety of changes in a relatively short space of time. Adjust to those before you complicate your life further.

 

3) Don’t date someone either 25% older or younger than you.

          Marriage is difficult. The more things you have in common the more helpful it is and vv. When the person you are dating is substantially younger/older than you they are probably in a different stage of life than you, experiencing different things, aiming at different things. If you get married, it will just make everything more difficult.

 

4) There is no such thing as falling in love; love is a decision.

          This is one of the most important things I have ever learned. The psalmist said, “I will love thee, O Lord.” Love has emotion, but it isn’t emotion; it is a decision of the will. This is why the husband can be and is commanded to love his wife; it is under the control of his will not an ephemeral cobwebby thing subject only to circumstance.

          In the context of dating, this has tremendous implications. Choose first (by careful screening) the right kind of girl/guy, then seek to develop a relationship with them. At the appropriate time, decide to love them.

          “Dad, that isn’t romantic.”

          Most of marriage isn’t romantic; it is commitment. It is a decision of the will to love and cherish till death do you part.

 

5) …but there is such a thing as infatuation, and an emotional preoccupation that mimics true love – and that you can’t necessarily control.

          So when it happens realize it for what it is (infatuation) and what it is not (love).

 

6) …so carefully screen who you date so that you don’t get infatuated with the wrong kind of person.

          Choose ahead of time, deliberately, what kind of man/woman you are going to rule in and rule out. Then proceed. With caution. But by all that is holy, don’t let your romantic relationships just happen.

 

7) You don’t need your parent’s permission (after graduating from high school) to date, but you should want your parent’s blessing.

          I’ve raised you to be full-fledged, independent adults when you finish high school. At that point, I will not tell you what to do any longer. As Dennis Corle says, “You don’t have to make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” I’m telling you ahead of time these things will be your decision. But if you are a wise man/woman you will certainly desire your parent’s perspective on your dating life and blessing on your choice of a life’s mate.

          The opposite of a wise man is a fool. And it never ends well for fools.

 

8) Ask your mother/my advice. A lot.

          We know you better than anyone. We have long and deep experience at life. We have long and deep experience at helping people navigate life and the result of bad life choices. In other words, we know it when we see it. We love you immeasurably. We are not the enemy; we are on your side. Nothing would please us more than to see you doing well. We have zero desire to manipulate or control you for our own purposes. We love the Lord. We’ve walked with Him a long time. We know the Word of God.

          So, yeah, ask our advice a lot. It’s just wisdom on your part.

 

9) Don’t date an unsaved person.

          God is clear about it. In addition, you both have seen numerous examples in church growing up of unhappy marriages, a wide gulf separating man and wife right where their marriage ought to be the closest – in their concept of God and good. No matter how much you like them or want to be with them, a decision to marry an unsaved person will bring you a literal lifetime of pain.

          So don’t.

 

10) Don’t date someone with a temper problem.

          That’s where abusive husbands and fathers come from. Just rule those chaps out from the start.

 

11) Don’t date a sneak.

          While it may be fun to run around with someone who seems to be able to get away with stuff, it is only fun in the short term. Who they are before you get married is who they will be after you get married. I trust Mandy with my life, with everything about my life. I’ve never had a single doubt in my mind that she wasn’t where she said she would be doing what she said she was doing. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” But I know many a husband/wife whose fears leak out of their eyes, down their cheek, and onto their pillow at night.

          I don’t want that kind of a choking horror for you. Don’t date a sneak.

 

12) Don’t date someone who doesn’t honor their parents.

          No one I know agrees with their parents about everything. As adults, you will no longer be under the biblical admonition to obey your parents. But you will always, for your entire life, be subject to “honor thy father and mother.” Your partner in life will tell you, frankly at times, where their parents have been wrong. But if they are wise, they will honor their parents anyway, in as many ways as possible, as often as possible, for their entire life.

          Other than your husband or wife, there is no earthly relationship more close or more permanent or more important than your parents. No one has sacrificed more for you. No one loves you more. No one is more deserving of your honor. As of this writing I am just about fifty years old. I have made honoring mine a high priority in my life, Mandy has done the same, and we are exceedingly glad we have done so. I also know a boatload of people my age who have not and regret it bitterly, or have enormous character flaws as a result of a refusal to do so.

          God’s way is the best way. If their conversation is always negative about their parents, if they refuse their parent's counsel, if they complain constantly about their parents, if they view themselves as so much better than their parents, mark it down, they are to be avoided like the plague.

          Christ modeled honor, both for His Heavenly Father and His earthly parents. Failure here is enormously damaging down the road. It fills hearts and minds and lives with deep and haunting regret. The fruit here is most bitter. It points to a soul lifted up in pride, and wherever you see the horse of pride the cart of destruction is certain to be behind.

What Are a Mom and Dad?

 note: From time to time, generally between series, I like to share some poetry. I wrote today's selection at the request of my high school senior class and read it at commencement.

What Are a Mom and Dad?

 

What are a mom and dad?

Are they just instruments

To clothe my back, and feed my face

And fulfill all my wants?

 

Are they just here because

I happened to be born

On accident to them

One cold and drear May morn?

 

Are they just here because

A whim God had one day

To give them Bill or Jen

Or Tom to show the way?

 

No, parents are on purpose;

God knew just what He did

When He sent me to stay

With you while I’m a kid.

 

He knew that I would need

A dad to point the way,

To warn of dangers out in front

And sin that doesn’t pay.

 

He knew I’d need a mom

To love and cherish me;

To pick me up when down

And bandage my skinned knee.

 

He knew I’d need a hero

When tiny steps were mine.

Every act was right;

In you no wrong I’d find.

 

You’d fix my broken bike,

Repair the slipping chain,

Or put the window back

I’d broken, whole again.

 

He knew I’d need some firmness.

He knew I’d need some grace.

He knew I’d need some courage

Life’s struggles here to face.

 

He knew I’d need some wisdom

To make a choice or two;

He knew some understanding

I’d need to get from you.

 

He knew I’d need someone

To stand beside my bed

And put a cold washcloth

Upon my aching head.

 

He knew I’d need a soothing voice

When cloudy is the day.

He knew I’d need a loving touch

For thorns along the way.

 

He knew I’d need a hand

To hold on tight to mine

While reading from some book

A bed-time story rhyme.

 

He knew I’d need someone

To come and pray with me

When I was scared to sleep

Because just dark I’d see.

 

He knew I’d need a shoulder

To lean and cry upon

When no one seemed to care,

And life just wasn’t fun.

 

He knew I’d need some help

In learning how to write

My ABC’s and D’s

When school first came in sight.

 

He knew I’d need a hand

To wipe away the tears

That come from time to time

While walking down the years.

 

He knew that some assistance

In learning how to drive

A car would be quite helpful

In keeping me alive.

 

He knew I’d need a person

To buy my first Bible;

He knew I’d need good hands

To mold me while pliable.

 

He knew I’d need protection

From bad and scary things.

He knew I’d need some help

In choosing wedding rings.

 

He knew I’d need someone

To say, “How nice!”, and “Fine!”

When crayons worked on paper.

(It’s nice. Who needs the lines?)

 

He knew I’d need finances

A wad to sponge upon,

And though that wad was small

Yet still I had my fun.

 

He knew I’d need a mom

To teach me how to fix

A rent, a rip, or tear,

Stitch by crooked stitch.

 

He knew I’d need a hand

To teach me how to throw

A softball o’er the plate

Or one made out of snow.

 

He knew I’d need some people

To always love me e’en

If I began to act

Like every other teen.

 

He knew I’d need a mom

To finally put an end

To blissful morning sleep

When I hit snooze again.

 

He knew I’d need some parents

To teach me things ‘bout life,

Like how to live and love and learn

And still stay man and wife.

 

He knew I’d need a dad

To look at me, and go,

“This will not be a habit!”

While shelling out the dough

For speeding tickets gotten.

“A habit, Dad? Oh, no!”

 

He knew I’d need some help

In learning how to scrub

The floor, and clean the sink,

And wash and rinse the tub.

 

He knew a set of parents

Would necessary be

For my advent on Earth

And also spiritually.

 

He knew I’d need a mom

To chaperone the class,

And when you asked me why,

“Of course, the teacher asked!”

 

He knew I’d need a daddy

To ask, “Where’d grandma go?”

Or take me in a boat,

And teach me how to row.

 

Or take a fishing pole

In search of waiting fish;

Together, blow out candles

And make a birthday wish.

 

He knew I’d need a mom

To spot the unwashed dish,

And so build character

(Although against my wish.)

 

He knew I’d need someone

To spank the back of me

Or I’d still be the terror

I was when I was three.

 

He knew I’d need someone

To take me to the zoo

To see the lions and tigers

And even a kangaroo.

 

He knew I’d need some loving.

He knew I’d need some prayer.

He knew I’d need some discipline.

He placed it in your care.

 

He knew I’d need some guidance

If I’m to e’er become

What God made me to be,

Or e’en just of that, some.

 

And so He gave me you,

The best a kid could want.

For better parents never

Would I e’er have to hunt.

 

You see, dear Mom and Dad,

All these things I read

Are true about you two

As everybody’s said.

 

He knew I’d need the best

That any kid could get,

And so He gave me you;

I’m wholly in your debt.

 

Never kid could have

A better mom and dad.

You are the best there is;

Just awesome, totally rad.

 

-by Tom Brennan

May 31, 1991

Tom and Judy Brennan
August, 2022

The Final Suffering

 

Suffering 26

 

          It has been an interesting few months, I think, and hopefully profitable ones examining the subject of suffering in an in-depth manner from the Word of God. I would be remiss, however, if I did not include some thoughts of the final suffering that will come to each of us prior to the elimination of all suffering from our lives. That is the suffering of death.

The Vocation of Death

One of the men I read in preparation for this series was R. C. Sproul. His book on suffering was not tremendously helpful to me, and I do not plan to read him again, but he did a good job examining the idea of death as a vocation.

Death is the result of sin, but that does not mean death is under the control of the devil. It is not; it is under the control of Christ. I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death (Revelation 1.18).

Absent the Second Coming, we will all walk through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23.4). It is appointed unto men once to die (Hebrews 9.27). Appointed here means reserved or destined, something that is necessary to do, that must be done. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die (Ecclesiastes 3.1-2). Season here means a specific, appointed time; purpose means our business.

          Vocation is defined by the dictionary as a particular occupation, business, profession, or calling, specifically a divine call to God’s service. Beloved, we have been called to face death. It is not an accident even if it comes by means of accident. It is not a coincidence. Contrary to popular parlance, it is not a door we take one moment to step through. It is a season, an appointment we must meet for a period of time, in all likelihood. God has purposed that we endure this season at the end. We are called to it.

Wisdom Prepares for a God Called Vocation

          I am called of God to be a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a pastor, and a saint. These are major callings on my life by God, things He has tasked me to do. What a fool I would be to not prepare for such God given vocations.

          I surrendered to the ministry at fourteen. I wrote about the process of this calling on my life in “Schizophrenic.” I began my first pastorate at the age of twenty-four. During those intervening ten years I gave my utmost attention to preparing for that vocation. No, I did not know when it was coming but I knew that it was coming. No, I did not know how difficult it would be, but I did my best to prepare to do what I knew God was calling me into.

          In a similar sense, I am going to walk through that valley of the shadow of death one day. When this season of final suffering comes, I want to be prepared.

Preparing for the Final Suffering

          I see four different things we need to prepare as we contemplate the vocation of death.

First, in primacy not just on this list, we must prepare our soul. Prepare to meet thy God (Amos 4.12). We must endeavor to make our calling and election sure, having a good understanding of scriptural salvation and seeking strong evidence of its presence in our lives.

          Second, we should prepare our affairs. When God sent Isaiah to Hezekiah with news of Hezekiah’s coming death Isaiah told him, Thus saith the Lord, Set thine house in order: for thou shalt die, and not live (Isaiah 38.1). I have spent untold countless hours attempting to get the seniors to whom I minister to do this very thing. I am mystified by the large number of them who are resistant to it, or who have done little to nothing at all along these lines. Have a will. Have a living will. Plan your final arrangements. Pay for your final arrangements. Have your financial and legal paperwork organized.

          “Well, I won’t be here so what does it matter?” It matters because when you die your loved ones will be handed a mess right on the worst day of their lives. Additionally, they will want to do what you would want done but if they do not know what you want done it can breed uncertainty and strife in the family. Love your loved ones well one last time; put your house in order.

          Third, prepare your conscience. At the end, Paul had the boldness to say, I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith (II Timothy 4.7). Make it a priority to maintain your testimony, your beliefs, and the practice of those beliefs to the very end. Your health will seek to give you excuses. Your disappointments with people will try to do the same. Your adult children’s lives will push you to silence. Your old nature will fight to the bitter end. So fight it back. Hold on to the end.

          Fourth, prepare your life’s work. Paul said he had finished his course. Some people aim at nothing with their lives. When death greets them they have left nothing undone because they never set about to do anything in the first place. But I have zero desire to be one of those. I can neither control nor know the time of my end, but I can prepare and plan for probabilities. I can live my life intentionally, purposely. I want the end of my life’s arc to find my life’s work done. I want to straighten things up, set my tools down, and walk away. I want to finish.

Enduring the Final Suffering

          Allow me three concluding thoughts in relation to actually going through the valley of the shadow.

          First, loosen your hold on this life. As it approaches give away your possessions. Find others to take on your jobs and responsibilities. Decrease your media consumption. Let all these things go. In the Garden, our Lord said, Hereafter I will not talk much with you: for the prince of this world cometh, and hath nothing in me (John 14.30). May the prince of this world find no hold on you or in you at the end.

          Second, tighten your grasp on the life to come. As your body stumbles toward the grave let your mind reach toward eternity. Set your affections on things above, not on things on the earth (Colossians 3.2). For he looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God (Hebrews 11.10). Read about Heaven. Meditate upon eternity. Think of Jesus. Turn your eyes toward Him.

          Third, as you enter the valley of the shadow itself, reach for His presence. The sweet psalmist of Israel penned these sentiments most beautifully. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me (Psalm 23.4). Walk together with Him on that last highway as you turn toward Home. Lean into Christ and onto Christ as you prepare to meet Christ.

          Carrie Ellis Breck’s words are haunting my mind here at the end of this post and this series. She wrote them 125 years ago…

Face to face with my Christ, my Saviour

Face to face – what will it be

When with rapture I behold Him,

Jesus Christ who died for me?

 

Only faintly now I see Him,

With the darkened veil between,

But a blessed day is coming

When His glory shall be seen.

 

What rejoicing in His presence,

When are banished grief and pain;

When the crooked ways are straightened

And the dark things shall be plain.

 

Face to face – oh, blissful moment!

Face to face – to see and know;

Face to face with my Redeemer,

Jesus Christ who loves me so.

 

Face to face I shall behold Him,

Far beyond the starry sky;

Face to face in all His glory,

I shall see him by and by.