Husband, Pray for Your Wife

 

Marriage 14

 

          There is little, if anything, more difficult in a woman's life than the inability to bear children. In a real sense, it attacks her at the very core of who she is and how she views herself. It ruins her purpose, so to speak. In our modern society, it is not unusual to find women who have willingly set this off to the side as they pursue their own agendas, but in God's people, such thinking is rare, and rightly so. A woman has more purpose than to bear and rear children but make no mistake, that is a significant part of her purpose.

          Understanding this, then, I want to set before you two examples in Scripture of women who were unable to bear children. Perhaps I should say rather, two examples of husbands with wives in that condition since this post is aimed at husbands. One of these husbands handled it well; the other handled it poorly.

          In I Samuel 1 we find the story of a broken-hearted Hannah, desperate because she cannot conceive. Her husband, displaying a staggering ignorance of the depth of his wife’s pain, responded horrifically. Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons? (I Samuel 1.8) I am not surprised the Word of God does not record her answer. It probably involved hurling a plate at the man’s head.

          Isaac, on the other hand, responded much better to Rachel. Though Scripture does not tell us what he said, it does tell us what he did: And Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren: and the Lord was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. (Genesis 25.21) There is so much left unsaid there, but what is said is spoken beautifully. He saw the depth of her need, and he got down on the knees of his heart and begged God to be gracious to his wife. As He always does, God heard. As He often does, God answered lavishly.

          My brother, if you truly see your marriage as a ministry, what greater way could you minister to her than by praying for her? Ministry of any sort is entirely dependent on prayer. This one is no different. What does she need? What does she want? When these are beyond your power, as they often will be, ask God. Ask Him repeatedly. Ask Him fervently. Ask Him in all seasons of life. Take your precious wife in your hands and lift them up before the throne of grace.

          I realize that only some people who read my blog are in vocational ministry. Nevertheless, a large portion of those who read it do have such a ministry, and I would venture to say most of the rest are active in serving the Lord through their church. I grew up in a ministry home. My father accepted his first pastorate mere weeks before I was born. All too often, preacher's kids, as they are called, resent the ministry because it seems to pull their father away from them. Such was not my experience, and I am grateful. My father did not prioritize his public ministry above the one found in the confines of his own home. Yet you and I both know men who have and wives and children who have suffered as a result.

          Shame on you if you pray more for somebody else’s family members than you do for your own family members. You have no higher earthly relationship than the wife of your youth and the mother of your children. You have no higher calling than that of being her husband. You have no more compelling responsibility than her.

It may be you find within yourself the inability to bring your wife rest, to love your wife, to trust your wife, to praise your wife, or to tell her she is beautiful sincerely. Take that need in your heart to Him; it is at the throne you will find the grace to help you in your time of need, to help you be to her what she needs you to be. 

Alternatively, the lack you sense may not be in your heart, but in your wallet or your circumstances or something else. Go to Him, my brother. Tell Him how much you love her, how much she needs, what it is that you cannot give, and ask the Lord to provide it out of His bounteous wealth. Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves… He will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (Luke 11.5-9)  

I do not know any perfect pastors. I certainly am not one myself. I know what it is like to sit in my car, weeping, parked in front of some church member's house at midnight, and ask God to make up for the lack in my pastoring. I also know what it is like to bow before Him and beseech Him to make up for the lack in my husbanding. Tonight, as I lay down in bed beside my wife of twenty-four years, I will do so as the recipient of the largesse of God's grace at work in my marriage. It would be wise, indeed, for me to ask Him for more. I need it. She needs it. We need it.

So ask.   

Husband, Tell Your Wife She Is Beautiful

 

Marriage 13

 

          There are various schools of thought on interpreting the Song of Solomon. I lean toward the one that views it as celebrating an actual love story rather than an allegorized representation of something else. If I am correct, it is interesting to note that the husband in the Song of Solomon told his wife on at least ten occasions that she was beautiful. These were said directly to her. That is in addition to numerous other similes and metaphors that express similar thoughts.

1:15  Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes.

1:16  Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.

2:10  My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

2:13  The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

4:1  Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

4:7  Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.

6:4  Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners.

6:10  Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners?

7:1  How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

7:6  How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

          Of course, every long marriage is a love story of lifelong proportions. In that love story, there will be many chapters. When they first meet and decide to marry, she is naturally beautiful to him. They are both young, and God is gracious to allow young people the gift and burden of being attractive to one another. But as the pages of their love story turn and the chapters mount, that natural, early beauty transitions to something else. By no means is it gone. No, that is not the right word. Not gone, but grown deeper.

          I am thinking here of that wonderful turn of phrase, the beauty of holiness. There is something ineffably and gloriously beautiful about an old soul that has served God and loved Him for many years. The beauty may shine out of a face creased with lines and worn with care, but shine it does nonetheless.

          In a similar manner, both the young and the old husband may genuinely and frequently compliment their wife on her beauty. The former does so as naturally as breathing, but the latter's compliments are deeper. They are born of a lifetime of care lived in service to her husband and her children. Everything about her life is beautiful. And when he looks at her, that is what he actually sees: a woman who is most beautiful to him. Could he find someone younger? Always. Could he find someone more beautiful to him? Never.

          So tell her.

          Men and women are similarly different in this respect. A man of every age walks past a mirror and sees himself automatically as devastatingly handsome. A woman of every age walks past a mirror and is automatically assaulted by her devastating series of flaws. They both care how they look, to some extent, but the man does not need reassurance; he needs his delusion checked. The woman, however, needs reassured. So tell her.

          How often? As often as she needs you to do so. As often as the example husband in the Song of Solomon. As often as she is beautiful. There are a number of good answers here, but they all involve one particular term: often.

          Husband, tell your wife she is beautiful. It is biblical. It is correct. It is needed. It is good for both of you.

          Tell her.   

Husband, Praise Your Wife

 

Marriage 12

 

          A wife should praise her husband exuberantly, excitedly, exquisitely, and extravagantly. Or at least that is what is often said, with some justification. (We will get to that after a while in this series.) What is not as usually said but bears saying is that a husband should praise his wife. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. (Proverbs 31.28)

When I reach back into the dim recesses of my memory, I can recall my mother emphasizing the first part of this verse to me. I did not understand why she did then; I understand it now and have consciously sought to do so. I have also heard the same from those preaching about or referencing the Proverbs 31 lady. But with rare exceptions, the latter portion of the verse has been notoriously neglected. Almost always, when praise or respect or reverencing comes up in the marriage discussion, the street we find ourselves on is one way à from the wife to the husband. My point is not a criticism of the call for a wife to reverence her husband; it is that this respect and commendation is not a one-way street.

A husband should praise his wife to his children.

It would be too much to say that a husband understands what a mother is and does, but it would not be too much to say a husband knows better than anybody what his children's mother is and does. He was there when each child was conceived, carried, and born, with all the attendant trouble to the mother. He was there when the child exhausted her in the infant stage. He was there when the child wearied her in the toddler stage. He has been there through the labour and sorrow of each successive stage of parenting as well. He knows the cost, for he has watched her pay it unselfishly hour by hour, week by week, month by month, and year by year.

Husband, tell your children how wonderful their mother is.

A husband should praise his wife to his friends.

The natural human condition is one of complaint. "Let me tell you about my lumbago, sonny." This tendency to complain is aggravated when we are amongst friends such that we can relax around them. Then it is our troubles pour out as we lean into the sympathetic ear. Sometimes, we even subconsciously seek to outdo the other complainers around us in an effort to gain more sympathy and admiration for what we endure. In the context of this blog post, it represents itself as the husband complaining to the boys while they are bowling of a Tuesday night.

"You think your old lady is bad? I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Wow. She's in rare form tonight, giving me grief for all kinds of stuff I didn't even do. And you would think, with as much time as she has sitting on her duff, that she could get dinner on the stove in time and clean up a bit around the place. Watch me now, fellas. This one'll be a strike for sure."

There are several ways to ensure the foolishness of the prior paragraph does not come to life, but one of the best is surely this: praise your wife to your friends. It turns the conversation onto a higher plane and prevents you from griping later when you have a mind to. Such praise can also motivate the husband listening to find reasons to do the same for his own wife.

Husband, praise your wife to your coworkers—especially the female ones. Indeed, the more attractive a coworker is, the more your conversations around her ought to reference the joy, happiness, and satisfaction you find in your marriage.

This praise does not have to be ugly. “My wife is gorgeous. You could take a lesson here, Bertha." Rather, the praise of a wife comes up naturally in a man's conversation when he discusses his life. His wife is a major part of his life, and his discussion should thus naturally be filled with references to her. Choose to make them positive references. All the other women in the place will get the point.

Above all, husband, praise your wife to her. Although word of your praise of her to others will get back to her, it will do her soul a world of good when you praise her in her presence. A good wife constantly gives of herself. The devil loves to tempt her with the lie that no one notices, no one cares. Encourage her heart by telling her you notice.

Did you ever hear the term self-fulfilling prophecy? It implies a statement regarding the future which impacts the future in the very way you state. It produces the conditions that create the fulfillment it predicted. A husband who complains about his wife to all and sundry will find his wife shrinks away from the selfless toil necessary to be a good wife. His very criticism produces the result he says he does not want.

Well, beloved, the reverse is also true. People become their praise. Tell her how valuable she is, and she will become yet more valuable. Remind her of her true worth to you and to others. Never let her forget it. Insulate her from discontent and the disease of feeling like a failure. It is not pride you will produce, but joy and contentment and a willingness to continue to give herself away.

All glory and praise belong to God, surely, but Scripture makes plain that some of it belongs to deserving people. Your wife is the most deserving of people. Praise her.

      

Husband, Trust Your Wife

 

Marriage 11

 

          Proverbs is an astounding book of the Bible. The staggering wealth of wisdom therein contained is indescribable. Amongst other gems, one chapter has become justifiably synonymous with an exemplary lady. We quietly point out such a one to our children and whisper, "There goes a Proverbs 31 woman." Yet, although that chapter does define what a good woman is, there are some overlooked instructions for the husband here as well. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (Proverbs 31.10-11)

          I accept that this is set before us primarily as an instruction for women, but the corollary we draw here today is likewise true: husband, trust your wife.

          The most foundational necessity in fulfilling this instruction is choosing the right kind of woman to be your wife. Many a man has a heart filled with doubts about his wife, and those doubts are well placed. She is not a good woman. She does not love the Lord. Her character and his experience make the trust issues between them deep and wide. But although that is true, it is almost certainly not true for most people who read this blog. Put another way round, in my pastoral experience, the lack of trust on the part of husbands for wives is not because of the wives' doubtful character; it is because the husbands have failed to cultivate that trust.

          Let me make three practical connections for you in this area.

          First, the husband should trust his wife in her interactions with others.

          I have known some overbearing, paranoid, ever-suspicious husbands in my lifetime. They remind me of nothing less than the typical Muslim husband who keeps his wife locked away from public life and allows her out only under tightly controlled and supervised circumstances. I have known some husbands who demand to know where she is at every moment of the day, demand to know who she talks to on the phone, and trawl through her personal emails and internet history routinely. Such men do not want their wives to have friends, preferring they remain home whenever possible. They get especially upset when she talks too much to any other man.

          Good parenting, at some level, always involves being suspicious about what your children are up to. Your wife is not your child. Do not treat her as one. If you do, she will not react well to it over the long term. If she has any sense of spirit, she will fight you, will resist the soul-crushing box into which you are putting her. If she does not have spirit, she will almost inevitably develop severe emotional or mental problems as a result of such treatment. Either way, a wedge will be driven into your marriage just where a weld ought to be.

          Second, the husband should trust his wife’s judgment.

          This is a bigger problem than the last one. I know a number of men who seem to think a weaker vessel means dumb or unspiritual. Such men combine this sketchy biblical interpretation with their natural arrogance, and consequently, they rarely, if ever, ask their wives what they think about anything. Let me address such men directly. If you believe your wife is dumb, what does that say about her choice of you? If you think your wife is unspiritual, what does that say about your leadership?

          My brother, ask your wife about everything. I do not mean in an investigative sense; I mean in a counsel sense. She is on your side. Her womanly perspective is highly valuable, and her intuition is often priceless.

I used to tell my son, “You don’t have to make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” In similar terms, you do not have to exhibit your leadership by refusing to ask your wife’s opinion. That does not demonstrate the authority you think it does; it reveals the insecurity you vainly struggle to hide. I am not asking you to cede your responsibility as a husband. I am not asking you to ask her to make your hard decisions. I am asking you to trust her judgment.

          Lastly, the husband should trust his wife with his heart.

          Every bit of my life experience, combined with every book on marriage I have ever read, has convinced me of two things. First, men are scared to reveal what is really in their hearts. They are afraid they will be laughed at and that their dreams will be mocked. Or worse, that their wife will be apathetic when this long-cherished, carefully-designed step into the future is laid before them. Second, women desperately want their men to do so. They deeply desire the soul intimacy that comes when a man trusts his heart in their hands.

          My brother, tell her. Take her aside to some quiet place, summon your courage, take her hand, look into her eyes, and tell her your dreams. You married her in order to merge your lives together. How can you ever accomplish that if you keep the most essential part of your heart to yourself because you are scared to show it to her? If she is the kind of woman I suspect her to be she will respect you more for it, not less. She will feel closer to you because of it. Trust her with your heart, and she will richly repay your love's vulnerability.

          Do husbands trust their wives because they are virtuous women, or are women virtuous because their husbands trust them? Perhaps the best answer to that question is yes. Either way, know this: a woman will not flourish under the care of a suspicious, arrogant, emotionally closed-off partner.

          Husband, trust your wife.                   

Husband, Love Your Wife

 

Marriage 10

 

          Husband, love your wife.

          "Well, duh. Whaddya think I got married for?"

          Agreed. Hopefully, you chose to get married for this good reason. But there are some layers here that may not perhaps be seen at first glance. Let us look a little more closely, shall we?

          The first reference we find in Scripture to a husband loving his wife is in relation to Isaac and Rebekah. And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her. (Genesis 24.67) By all accounts, Isaac and Rebekah lived out this same principle over the intervening decades and are a worthy example for us. In complete contrast, Solomon, a failure as a husband if ever there was one, tells us as an older man, Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity. (Ecclesiastes 9.9)

Regardless of the human source of the advice, it is excellent advice. Husband, love your wife.

          This love is not simply an emotional high produced by pheromones. As we can see from the two passages above, it is supposed to last for a lifetime. By implication then, it must be able to weather a lifetimes worth of storms.

One potential problem area here is bitterness. Occasionally, a man will begin to look at what he had to give up to get married – his toys, his vaunted freedom, his nights out with the boys, perhaps a career opportunity or two – and the black mold of bitterness will begin to grow in the secret, dark places of his heart.

Another route to the same sin may be an obsession with things she said or did years ago that hurt you. Nothing is so large and yet so fragile as a man's ego. Perhaps she laughed at you or compared you unfavorably in some way to another man. In a trying season, she was unfaithful, and despite what you told her, you have not forgiven her from the heart.

Heed Paul’s counsel here: Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Colossians 3.19)

The extent of a husband’s love is revealed in the earthly example of how men love their own selves. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it. (Ephesians 5.28-29) We baby ourselves. The budget may be stretched to the breaking point, but if there is something we want, we find a way to afford it. We pamper ourselves; we eat our favorite foods in our favorite chair while watching our favorite team and expect everyone else in the family to orbit around our choices.

What would our marriages be like if we shifted that from ourselves to our wives? For the Word is clear here; this ought to be done.

The question naturally follows: how? How can a man love his wife so well?

The answer, I think, as in so many things spiritual, is to look to Christ. How does Christ love the church? For there is a direct relation between my marriage and Christ’s example. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5.25) Jesus loved/s the church by giving, a character trait demonstrated equally well by His Father. (John 3.16)

How was Christ's love demonstrated to the church? He gave up His eternal position and spotless reputation to come to Earth. He gave His time in patiently teaching and building the earthly foundation of the church, the Apostles. On the cross, He took all the blame upon Himself, endured the pain, and shed His blood to purchase the church. Down to the present day, He lavishes gifts on the church, pastors and teachers. He allows the church to represent Him on Earth while He is away. He keeps the espousal intact regardless of how unattractive we become at times. He will someday marry us forever.

Put another way round, what we see in Christ is constant sacrifice, a never-ending giving. Love is sacrifice, and men are capable of great sacrifice when driven by love. The flags that flutter from the graves of fallen heroes each Memorial Day stand in silent witness to the fact.

“Well, it’s all good then. I have given up lots of stuff for her.”

Good. But your perspective is not the answer to the question; her perspective is.

There are several candidates for the title of best chapter in the Bible about love, but one of them is undoubtedly I John 4. There, amongst other gems, we find this truth about love: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (I John 4.18) The only One Who loves perfectly is God. How perfect is He at doing so? I have no doubt that He loves me; I have zero fear in that regard.

As I write this, it is Sunday afternoon. The weather is balmy for an Iowa Spring. I am sitting on my screened-in porch, enjoying the sunshine and the singing of the birds. But I do not feel like God loves me due to the sunshine and the birds. I am convinced God loves me because of a lifetime of lovingkindness, of grace and mercy poured out during the bleakest of times, of tender provisions of strength and faith in the harsh winters of life. Consequently, I am utterly convinced He loves me. That is how good God is at loving.

This, my brother, is what you and I are supposed to provide for our wives, this absence of any fear in relation to our affections. It is often said that wives crave security. I may speak to that in a later post. But right here, we find the scriptural command to meet the depths of such a soul's need. Putting these passages together, we are called to love our wives so well they have no fear at all that we love someone or something more or that we may do so at some point.

Husband, love your wife. Like you love yourself. Sacrifice happily for her, as our Saviour did for us. And love her so well her insecurities vanish as the dew dries in the warmth of June morning.

Then do it again tomorrow.  

Husband, Bring Your Wife Rest

 

Marriage 9

 

          Naomi makes an interesting statement about marriage in Ruth 1. I am not talking about Ruth's statement to her, which is often used in marriage ceremonies. I am talking about a previous part of Naomi's conversation with her two widowed daughters-in-law, during which she implored them to stay in Moab. And Naomi said unto her two daughters in law, Go, return each to her mother’s house: the Lord deal kindly with you, as ye have dealt with the dead, and with me. The Lord grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Then she kissed them; and they lifted up their voice, and wept. (Ruth 1.8-9) Ruth would, in the house of Boaz. Here, we see an underrated aspect of a husband's duties in marriage: he is to give his wife rest.

          “Fat chance, Pastor Brennan. I’ve got approximately twelve children, give or take, seventy-five loads of laundry a week, twenty-one meals a week times fourteen, and the errands and the budget to worry about. And then he expects me to homeschool on top of all that. Rest? What are you smoking?”

          I get your point, and perhaps should write something to that. But this is not that blog post or that point. I am not talking primarily about physical rest because I do not think Naomi was talking mainly about physical rest. Women who kept the home in that era did so without running water and electricity; there was precious little physical rest in that environment.

          What am I talking about then?

          Peter tells us under the inspiration of the Spirit that the wife is the weaker vessel. (I Peter 3.7) This is not her fault, as if she somehow failed to maintain her strength. God has designed her with different tolerances for different purposes than He designed the husband. In this context, it means the typical wife is not prepared to carry the load that her husband is ready to take. Not physically, primarily here, but emotionally, in the sense of stress and pressure.

Think of a pie chart for a moment. God made men with an inherent ability to compartmentalize. They can move from task to task, and as they lay down the tools for one task and pick up the tools for the next, they can usually do the same with the stresses involved. On the other hand, think of a basket in which everything has been piled together, not necessarily haphazardly, but still all in one container. This is generally how women carry things, not physically but mentally and emotionally. Whatever they have, they are carrying all of it all the time.

It is precisely here that God designed the husband to enter; her man should help her carry that basket or, better yet, prevent things from getting piled into it in the first place.

What brings stress and pressure to the wife? Every woman is an individual, and her answers to this question will reflect that, but perhaps some of these… A lack of money. Disrespectful and disobedient sons. An exceedingly busy period in her schedule. Health situations. Her own or yours. Or both. Concern for the future. And each of these could be and often is further spun out into its own plots and subplots.

In my opinion, this is why Moses gave specific instructions in Numbers 30 that a husband or father can release his wife or daughter from a vow. He knows her capacity and what she can carry without being overwhelmed. In his judgment, her vow will necessarily produce an overloaded basket. Ergo, he has the authority to cancel her promise. The purpose here is not to abrogate her personhood in the least; rather, the intent is to give her rest.

Feminism is an awful thing in the lies it tells, and the relationship structures it produces. It is precisely here we find one of them. Feminism says that not only can a woman do all that a man can do, furthermore a woman should do all that a man does. Balderdash. In front of my window is a bright red Iowa cardinal. God designed and created it for different purposes than He designed and created me. If it tried to do my work or I tried to do its work, the result would be frustration, disappointment, grief, and failure. Which is precisely what feminism delivers.

          My dear sister, it is not that you are a lesser form of humanity, less critical, less valued, less loved, or less necessary. Balderdash to that, too, I say. It is that God designed you and your husband differently. My dear brother, it is not that you are a higher form of humanity, more important, more valued, more loved, or more necessary. No, it is that God designed you and your wife differently.

Husband, is your marriage patterned after God's design? Are you taking the stress and pressure off of your wife, placing it upon yourself, and so bringing her rest? This is the model of a marriage based on ministry. Or are you piling item after item into her basket and then standing around perplexed and frustrated when she seems to break down in carrying it all?

Seek to discover what is weighing on her mind and heart. Then lift it. This is your task.   

Husband, View Your Marriage As a Ministry

Marriage 8

 

          This week, we turn from examining the foundational beliefs necessary for marriage to the more practical side of things. Just what are husbands and wives supposed to do in marriage? We will spend a few weeks looking at each side of this, but we begin with this necessity for husbands: He views his marriage as a ministry.

Paul phrased it this way in I Corinthians 7.32-33: But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. "Pleased" here carries in it the idea of accommodating oneself to another, of adjusting or fitting yourself to another in such a way that you can help them carry what they carry. Nor is this a negative use; Paul is here commending this about the married man, asserting it to be good and right. A husband correctly understands that he no longer has the freedom he had when he was single, which allowed him to serve the Lord with nary a thought of who else was involved. No, now he must adjust everything in his life with one ruling principle in mind: how he may please his wife and how he can help her carry what she carries in this life.

I begin here because it is a life-changing truth. I start here also because it goes against the grain of so much taught and presented about marriage. The independent Baptist movement has a wide macho streak, a kind of get-back-in-the-kitchen-and-make-me-a-sammich kind of thing. Of course, this is merely the carnal human weakness of selfishness masquerading as manliness, but now I am meddling. I also begin here primarily because it is biblical, as revealed in Paul's words above.

This next statement may sound harsh, but I prefer to consider it realistic. The average marriage is often one of manipulation, not ministry. A study in "The Journal of Marriage and the Family" shows us this in a failure sort of way. Reasons men cited for divorce included communication problems (59%), unhappiness (46%), incompatibility (44%), sexual problems (30%), financial problems (28%), and emotional abuse (24%). The causes women referenced as contributing to divorce were similar, though more sad in my view, including communication problems (69%), unhappiness (59%), incompatibility (56%), emotional abuse (55%), financial problems (32%), sexual problems (32%), husband's drinking (30%), husband's infidelity (25%), and physical abuse (21%).

Much of the above paragraph could be summed up with this phrase commonly uttered in counseling situations: "My needs just aren't being met." What needs? Communication, empathy, sympathy, support, respect, money, sex, happiness, peace, security, stability, etc. 

Where is ministry in that?

The response to this type of teaching on marriage usually sounds something like, "Well, you must just want me to be a doormat then!" I would argue that such an expression reveals that you still focus on yourself. It is not until you can forget yourself and focus on the needs of those around you that you can truly be Christ-like. He said, The Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. (Matthew 20.28) Paul agreed, adding a clarifying statement in Philippians 2.4-5: Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.  

The typical book on marriage in the bookstore's self-help section is chock full of techniques for you to use on your wife to get your needs met. My brother, that is manipulation, plain and clear. A self-centered approach to marriage cannot be biblical.

          Marriage is rooted in and grows from love. The foundation of love is giving. It follows that giving, selfless expressions of love ought to fill marriage. Yet somehow, when vows are exchanged, a mysterious metamorphosis occurs. What had been a how-can-I-show-you-my-love attitude becomes a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude. Such a fact makes me wonder if the marriage was rooted in love at all.

          “Of course it was. I loved her then and love her now. It’s not my fault she isn’t holding up her end of the deal.”

          You know, enjoying how being in love makes me feel good is not the same as loving another selflessly. I am convinced such feelings drove men like Sinatra to marry four times and commit serial adultery during most of them. It was not love; it was how being in love made him feel. Ergo, since the "love" was selfish, so was the marriage and the selfish manipulation that drove most of those wives away.

          “But a man has needs, Pastor Brennan!”

          May I kindly ask you to meditate on a couple of passages?

          But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4.19)

          The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Psalm 23.1)

          My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. (Psalm 62.5)

          If God truly meets our needs, and the marriage is built upon a selfless, giving love, then the result will not be a selfish husband who operates on manipulation; it will be a loving, Christ-like husband whose marriage functions as a ministry to his wife, coming alongside, carrying what she carries.

          Now then, I would continue, but my wife is hollering for me at the moment, and I must go help her… <grin>

          Catch you next week.      

Marriage Is Honorable

 

 

Marriage 7

 

          Unknown perhaps to us, we have all too often adopted an unhealthy, unscriptural view of marriage. Like cucumbers pickled in brine, too many of God's people have borrowed their concept of marriage from the world's milieu. Thus, I have begun this series on my marriage by attempting to thrust us back into the Word of God. God began this divine institution; how does He view it?

          I have a simple thought today, one for which I am indebted to Rosario Butterfield. In one of her books, she went to great lengths to establish this very thought, so much so that I, too, have decided to emphasize it in my own ministry. It is this: marriage is honorable.

          God Himself makes this statement via the inspired human writer of Hebrews 13.4. Marriage is honourable in all. Honorable is defined by the dictionary as something worthy of honor and high respect. In the original language, it carries the connotation of a precious stone, highly prized for its value and beauty.

          You will think otherwise if you follow the news of our day. There, marriage is routinely mangled by positive references to “open” marriages, divorce, live-in relationships, homosexual “marriage”, throuples, sister wives, and a veritable plethora of ungodly variations and illustrations on the subject. It should not surprise us, then, to find traditional marriage as a concept increasingly abandoned. Indeed, our own Center for Disease Control has solemnly informed us that fewer people than ever are getting married, percentage-wise, and they have been tracking it for 124 years.  

          What a sad paragraph that last one was. The flaws it reveals about our society are deep and wide. Yet the stubborn truth remains – marriage is honorable.

          Marriage is not merely tradition; it is a divine institution. God ordained marriage. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. (Genesis 1.27-28) Marriage as an institution was blessed by our Saviour when He performed His first miracle at the wedding in Cana.

          It then follows that regardless of what our society currently thinks, marriage is not under human authority; it is under divine authority. The state has to have some role in marriage, but the state did not invent marriage and does not have the right to re-invent, redefine, or abandon it. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Mark 10.9) Marriage is a matter of obedience to God. We will give an account for our conduct in marriage as husbands and wives – not to the state, not even to our husbands/wives, but to the Lord.

          Genesis is the book of beginnings. The creation of humanity revealed there was not complete until God sealed the institution of marriage.

Genesis 2.18–24

18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

          We see several important things in the above passage.

          First, it is not good for man to be alone. An alone man is an incomplete man. Married men and women are not independent individuals who happen to share the same dwelling; we are mutually dependent on each other. Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God. (I Corinthians 11.11-12)  

          Second, God chose for Adam to experience this fundamental incompleteness so that he would view his wife not just as nice but as necessary. If you are reading this blog as a single individual in preparation for marriage your time is well spent, not just in reading this, but in your current state. Loneliness prepares you for the joy and blessing of marriage just as it prepares you to undertake the work of marriage. In God's good design, you will not just want to be married by the time marriage arrives; you will need to be married.

          Third, Adam did not invent marriage; God brought it to him. It was not Adam's idea but God's. It then follows that since marriage is by God's design, its arrangement and conduct must conform to His will.

          Fourth, women were explicitly created by God and in the image of God for marriage. As a man, I understand this and believe it. I cannot, however, allow myself to look down on women, brutalize them, consider them to be property, or to be somehow inferior to the male of the species. To the contrary, I should seek to elevate godly womanhood to the place of honor God gives them in His creation design.

          Fifth, the man was created from dust, but the woman was not; she was created from the man. And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female? And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? (Matthew 19.4-5) The sacred and intimate union that God designed to exist between a husband and a wife is the reason the dissolution of marriage is so painful. Divorce feels like a death because it is. Divorce is like severing part of your body, of yourself, from yourself.

          Most importantly, however, understanding marriage as honorable involves the realization that it represents the union between God and His people.

 

Ephesians 5.22–25

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 

          How precious and valuable indeed must be that human relationship thus chosen to exemplify redemption itself and the church Jesus shed His blood to obtain. 

          What is marriage? Beloved, let us forget what the world and our experience have said on the subject. Let us hear God's voice on the matter. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is a comfort. Marriage is a friendship. Marriage is a team. And marriage is honorable.

          Is yours? He intends it to be these things, and it can be these things— if we follow Him in the execution of it as we must believe Him in the design of it. Next week, then, we will turn from these foundational thoughts to some of the more practical aspects of marriage. We will begin with the husband first.

          See you then.

Marriage Is a Team

 

Marriage 6

 

 

          It is not good for man to be alone. It is really not good for a man to be alone when he is in a marriage. In fact, it is a crying tragedy. Yet it happens more often than we like to admit. And every time we see it, we know we are seeing an exhibition of a marriage God did not design. Why? Because God designed marriage to be a team.

          This is exemplified most clearly in a particular New Testament couple, Aquila and Priscilla. We meet them by way of Paul in Acts 18. He comes across them first in Corinth (Acts 18.1-2) and is drawn to them because they share an occupation, tent-making. Later in the same chapter, we meet Apollos, an eloquent man and mighty in the Scriptures. (Acts 18.25) The problem is that Apollos was preaching John's baptism of repentance, looking forward to a coming Messiah. He should have been preaching Jesus. The Lord kindly sent him a couple of teachers. Whom when Aquila and Priscilla had heard, they took him unto them, and expounded unto him the way of God more perfectly. (Acts 18.26)  

          Something is fascinating here in a marriage context. Every-single-time they are mentioned in Scripture, by name or pronoun, they are together. Every single time. (Acts 18.2, 18.3, 18.18, 18.19, 18.20, 18.21, 18.26, Romans 16.3, I Corinthians 16.19, II Timothy 4.19) The Scripture tells us they worked together, traveled together, lived together, went to church together, converted together, studied theology together, and taught together. He did not build a ministry over here while she lived a separate life over there. They did it together.

          I think I understand that. Mandy and I serve the Lord together. I am a pastor, which means I do everything except work in the nursery and play the piano. She does those two, in addition to organizing ladies' activities, goes soul winning weekly, trains new soul winners, leads our homeschool group, does discipleship with me, does marital counseling with me, sings in the choir, decorates the auditorium, manages our prophet's chamber, teaches Sunday School periodically, sings special music with me and others, visits with me, and plans church activities with me. I do not have a separate life from her; she does not have a separate life from me. We serve the Lord together. At times, we have considered converting to Pentecostalism. Then, at least, we could get two salaries instead of one. <grin>

          Please do not misunderstand me. Every couple has a marriage dynamic that makes sense to you. I am not saying that your wife has to do with you everything my wife does with me. Nor am I saying that this alone is the answer to making a great marriage. But I am saying that there is a clear biblical example of one couple who were an awesome team. Together.

          This is one reason I have sought to move our church gradually toward using married couples together for ministry. Teach a class together. Go soul winning together. Be responsible for a service commitment together. Visit the shut-ins together. I do not want ministry service to impact the families in our church negatively. I try to be careful of what I ask with that in mind. But the solution is not to not serve God because of family commitments; it is to incorporate your family into your service to God.

          Of course, this is not applicable only to ministry. I am thinking right now of a dairy farmer of my acquaintance. He and his wife worked together for decades building their business. Many small businesses are like that, husband and wife laboring together, often with a child or three thrown into the mix as time goes along. I think we could make a decent argument that America was a better place when families worked together more than they do now.

          "Next thing you'll say, Pastor Brennan, is that we're even supposed to go bowling together. That's too much for a body to take." Yes. And no. It would be great if you joined a bowling league or a gardening club together. But, no, I am not saying you have to be together 24/7. I am saying your marriage should function as a team; that is how God designed it.

          If you want to be alone, then be alone. But if you get married, do not be alone. Be together.

Marriage is a team.