Marriage 23
There may not be a worse phrase in the
English language than “fall in love.” In today’s post, I intend to prove that
to you scripturally. More importantly, I want to permanently remove from your
mind the validity of falling out of love with your mate.
It is undeniable that a husband is
emphatically told to love his wife. Husbands, love your wives, even as
Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5.25)
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Colossians 3.19) A
wife is also instructed to love her husband. That they may teach the young
women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. (Titus 2.4) Yet
I know what it is like to have spouses sit in my office and tell me, “I just
don’t love her/him anymore.”
This marriage-killing excuse is
rational if love is something that happens to you by accident, a feeling that
is produced in you by another person's actions. But such an approach to love,
while widely held in our society, has no basis in Scripture. Love is not an
accident. Love is not a reaction on your part to how likable or nice others are
toward you. Love has feeling, but it is not a feeling. Love is an attitude of
affection and giving on your part which you choose to extend to another. In
short, love is a choice you can decide to offer to someone.
If I am right, each partner
permanently loses the right to say to the other, "I don't love you
anymore," because that partner has become unlovable or someone else has
become more lovable. If I am right, each partner permanently loses the justification
for falling out of love.
So why do I assert this? What is my
scriptural support?
I say this first because love is a
decision of the will. I will love thee, O Lord, my strength. (Psalm 18.1) The
psalmist’s love for God was not based on his perception or knowledge of or
reaction to God’s goodness; it was based on a decision of the will.
I say this second because love is a
command. Eight times in Scripture we are faced with the command to love our
neighbor. Twelve times we are told to love one another. Additionally, husbands
and wives are commanded to love each other. Indeed, the greatest commandments
in the Bible revolve around mandates that we love. A command that is dependent
on how another person makes you feel is nonsensical. Put another way round, if
fulfilling the command to love is dependent on what another person does to make
me feel something then that commandment is not a valid commandment; it is a
suggestion. A command to be a command must only require God and me in order to
fulfill it.
I say this third because where God
commands, He enables. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of
power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (II Timothy 1.7) Do not tell me
you cannot love those whom God tells you to love. Tell me you do not want to
anymore, that it is not enjoyable anymore, but do not tell me you cannot. The
Holy Spirit gives us the wherewithal to obey these instructions just as He does
other biblical mandates. The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the
Holy Ghost which is given unto us. (Romans 5.5) But the fruit of the Spirit is
love. (Galatians 5.22)
I say this fourth because God's love
toward us is clearly not related to how lovable we are. Behold, what manner
of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of
God. (I John 3.1) God’s love for us is a bestowal, a choosing to love us,
but to Israel in the Old Testament and to the church in the New Testament. Not
a single individual reading this post will ever qualify to be loved by God; we
do not qualify, we accept.
I say this, fifth, because there is no
example in Scripture of someone who stopped loving due to the recipient being
unlovable. Love is mentioned 405 times in the Bible. If falling out of love is
truly as prevalent as our society has trained us to think you would think it
would be mentioned in there somewhere. But is is not. I cannot find one
justified instance of anybody who actually loved someone not loving them anymore.
Lloys (l) and John R. Rice (r) |
Many years ago, Jack Hyles was being driven to a meeting. He was in the front passenger seat, and John R. Rice and his wife, Lloys, were seated in the back. Jack Hyles overheard the following snippet of conversation:
Lloys:
John R., do you love me?
John
R.: Yes
Lloys:
Why do you love me?
John
R.: Because God commanded me to.
Lloys:
John R., that doesn’t turn me on.
John R.: But it won’t turn me off either.
I suppose some readers may find that
it strains credulity, but I do not. I have read Rice's books on marriage and
the home; it tracks with their content. John R. Rice understood that the
foundation of his love for his wife was not her physical attractiveness, her
mental agility, her emotional brightness, or her spiritual fervor. His love for
her did not depend on how well she kept the house, raised the children, or did
the laundry. It did not depend on how tasty her cooking was, her response to
his advances, or how well she managed the family budget. It depended instead on
his willingness to be obedient to his Heavenly Father’s commands. It was thus a
decision of his will.
Love is a choice. Decide to love the
one to whom you are married. Regardless of the circumstances.
Preacher Clark used to say "you don't fall in love, you fall into a ditch"
ReplyDeleteGood read. Thank you.
ReplyDelete