Husband, Lead Your Wife

 

Marriage 15

 

          If I had to choose the single most significant mistake husbands make in their marriage, it might be last week's post about prayer. But if it is not that one, then it is this one. I grow weary thinking of the catalog of men I have known who have failed in this area. Cowardice? Often. Fear? Maybe. Misguided ideas that equate leadership with dictatorship and thus avoid it? Perhaps. Acceptance of 21^st-century worldly philosophies of feminism? Possibly. Laziness? In some, I suppose. But for whatever "reason," entirely too many of God's people have built the kind of marriage where the husband does not lead. And that is well nigh a tragedy.

          How do I know a husband is supposed to lead his wife? Paul used that term in reference to a husband’s work in marriage in I Corinthians 9.5. Additionally, the plainly emphasized call for a wife to submit herself to her husband in Ephesians 5 strongly implies as much. The illustration here, of Christ's relationship to the church being the model of the husband/wife in marriage, practically demands the husband lead. Yes, I am aware of how unpopular such notions are nowadays. But I assume my readers already reject the notion of trying to square scriptural doctrine with the circles of the world's opinion. Suffice it to say that the biblical marriage designed by God contains a wife who follows a husband who leads.

          Having established that, or at least expostulated the idea, it begs the question: what is leadership then? Some years ago, I did a rather developed study of the subject. I offer three definitions, all of which apply to the husband leading his wife.

          First, leadership is serving. Jesus made that crystal clear in the Gospels: Whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant. (Mark 20.27) This is the most critical thing to understand about leadership. It is not getting those beneath you to do what you want; it is ministering to them so carefully and so well that they instinctively hand you influence over their lives.

Which is the second definition of leadership: influence. Have you ever heard that readers are leaders? That is because the more you read, the more you know, the more you know, the more people will turn to you for direction, and the more people turn to you for direction, the more they will move in line with your counsel. That is influence. In fact, that is precisely why I write: to influence or move people toward a particular belief or behavior.

The third definition of leadership is the one they gave me in school, and it is pretty good. Leadership is the ability to create in others the desire to follow you. Leadership is thus not dictatorship. It is not demanding as much as it is motivating. A good leader provokes within you a desire to go where he is going. He strikes the chords of sympathy and respect deftly, and the resulting music moves you. If you have experienced the blessing of serving under a good leader at some point, you understand me here.  

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should serve her, prioritizing her needs and figuring out how to meet them. The result will be a wife who trusts her husband and has her best interests at heart. She will follow him because he is good at helping her with what she needs.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should influence her. He should consciously seek to shape her thinking, her beliefs, her priorities, and her actions. Rather than mandating them, he should figure out how to move her to the positions and choices he deems wise. Without squelching her person or stifling her individuality. Without treating her as a child. With patience, tact, wisdom, prayer, service, and love.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should create in her the desire to go where he wants their marriage to go. I do not mean that he should manipulate her into thinking the precise way he thinks. That would be foolish and useless. I mean that a wise husband seeks to cultivate his wife’s desire to be one flesh. He builds on their union and brings them together to face the same direction as they move forward in life. Because she wants to. How, you ask? Well, he created within her the desire to marry him, did he not? Copy that. Do it again.

Allow me two other brief thoughts here in conclusion. First, the husband leads by example. He does not recline in the easy chair and tell her to work harder. The scriptural illustration is Christ and the church. One of the remarkable things about Jesus is that He never asks us to do what He Himself has not done first, never asks us to go where He Himself has not gone, never calls on us to be what He Himself has not first been. The same is true of the husband in relation to his wife.

Second, a husband's leadership must include initiative. There is wisdom in knowing the right time to move. Patience is sometimes required as things develop. But for the love of all that is holy, make a decision. Move in a direction. Do not sit there, content to watch the slow-motion deterioration of your family, and then come to my office and tell me there was nothing you could do. There absolutely is. Lead. Be out front. Be going somewhere. Bring them along with you.

Now then, I commend you, men, for your patience. I have spoken to you first as is appropriate for your leadership position. Beginning next week, I will turn my attention to the other side of the marriage. What should a wife be and do in a marriage? We will tackle that next. Stay tuned. 

Husband, Pray for Your Wife

 

Marriage 14

 

          There is little, if anything, more difficult in a woman's life than the inability to bear children. In a real sense, it attacks her at the very core of who she is and how she views herself. It ruins her purpose, so to speak. In our modern society, it is not unusual to find women who have willingly set this off to the side as they pursue their own agendas, but in God's people, such thinking is rare, and rightly so. A woman has more purpose than to bear and rear children but make no mistake, that is a significant part of her purpose.

          Understanding this, then, I want to set before you two examples in Scripture of women who were unable to bear children. Perhaps I should say rather, two examples of husbands with wives in that condition since this post is aimed at husbands. One of these husbands handled it well; the other handled it poorly.

          In I Samuel 1 we find the story of a broken-hearted Hannah, desperate because she cannot conceive. Her husband, displaying a staggering ignorance of the depth of his wife’s pain, responded horrifically. Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons? (I Samuel 1.8) I am not surprised the Word of God does not record her answer. It probably involved hurling a plate at the man’s head.

          Isaac, on the other hand, responded much better to Rachel. Though Scripture does not tell us what he said, it does tell us what he did: And Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren: and the Lord was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. (Genesis 25.21) There is so much left unsaid there, but what is said is spoken beautifully. He saw the depth of her need, and he got down on the knees of his heart and begged God to be gracious to his wife. As He always does, God heard. As He often does, God answered lavishly.

          My brother, if you truly see your marriage as a ministry, what greater way could you minister to her than by praying for her? Ministry of any sort is entirely dependent on prayer. This one is no different. What does she need? What does she want? When these are beyond your power, as they often will be, ask God. Ask Him repeatedly. Ask Him fervently. Ask Him in all seasons of life. Take your precious wife in your hands and lift them up before the throne of grace.

          I realize that only some people who read my blog are in vocational ministry. Nevertheless, a large portion of those who read it do have such a ministry, and I would venture to say most of the rest are active in serving the Lord through their church. I grew up in a ministry home. My father accepted his first pastorate mere weeks before I was born. All too often, preacher's kids, as they are called, resent the ministry because it seems to pull their father away from them. Such was not my experience, and I am grateful. My father did not prioritize his public ministry above the one found in the confines of his own home. Yet you and I both know men who have and wives and children who have suffered as a result.

          Shame on you if you pray more for somebody else’s family members than you do for your own family members. You have no higher earthly relationship than the wife of your youth and the mother of your children. You have no higher calling than that of being her husband. You have no more compelling responsibility than her.

It may be you find within yourself the inability to bring your wife rest, to love your wife, to trust your wife, to praise your wife, or to tell her she is beautiful sincerely. Take that need in your heart to Him; it is at the throne you will find the grace to help you in your time of need, to help you be to her what she needs you to be. 

Alternatively, the lack you sense may not be in your heart, but in your wallet or your circumstances or something else. Go to Him, my brother. Tell Him how much you love her, how much she needs, what it is that you cannot give, and ask the Lord to provide it out of His bounteous wealth. Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves… He will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (Luke 11.5-9)  

I do not know any perfect pastors. I certainly am not one myself. I know what it is like to sit in my car, weeping, parked in front of some church member's house at midnight, and ask God to make up for the lack in my pastoring. I also know what it is like to bow before Him and beseech Him to make up for the lack in my husbanding. Tonight, as I lay down in bed beside my wife of twenty-four years, I will do so as the recipient of the largesse of God's grace at work in my marriage. It would be wise, indeed, for me to ask Him for more. I need it. She needs it. We need it.

So ask.   

Husband, Tell Your Wife She Is Beautiful

 

Marriage 13

 

          There are various schools of thought on interpreting the Song of Solomon. I lean toward the one that views it as celebrating an actual love story rather than an allegorized representation of something else. If I am correct, it is interesting to note that the husband in the Song of Solomon told his wife on at least ten occasions that she was beautiful. These were said directly to her. That is in addition to numerous other similes and metaphors that express similar thoughts.

1:15  Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes.

1:16  Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.

2:10  My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

2:13  The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

4:1  Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

4:7  Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.

6:4  Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners.

6:10  Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners?

7:1  How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

7:6  How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

          Of course, every long marriage is a love story of lifelong proportions. In that love story, there will be many chapters. When they first meet and decide to marry, she is naturally beautiful to him. They are both young, and God is gracious to allow young people the gift and burden of being attractive to one another. But as the pages of their love story turn and the chapters mount, that natural, early beauty transitions to something else. By no means is it gone. No, that is not the right word. Not gone, but grown deeper.

          I am thinking here of that wonderful turn of phrase, the beauty of holiness. There is something ineffably and gloriously beautiful about an old soul that has served God and loved Him for many years. The beauty may shine out of a face creased with lines and worn with care, but shine it does nonetheless.

          In a similar manner, both the young and the old husband may genuinely and frequently compliment their wife on her beauty. The former does so as naturally as breathing, but the latter's compliments are deeper. They are born of a lifetime of care lived in service to her husband and her children. Everything about her life is beautiful. And when he looks at her, that is what he actually sees: a woman who is most beautiful to him. Could he find someone younger? Always. Could he find someone more beautiful to him? Never.

          So tell her.

          Men and women are similarly different in this respect. A man of every age walks past a mirror and sees himself automatically as devastatingly handsome. A woman of every age walks past a mirror and is automatically assaulted by her devastating series of flaws. They both care how they look, to some extent, but the man does not need reassurance; he needs his delusion checked. The woman, however, needs reassured. So tell her.

          How often? As often as she needs you to do so. As often as the example husband in the Song of Solomon. As often as she is beautiful. There are a number of good answers here, but they all involve one particular term: often.

          Husband, tell your wife she is beautiful. It is biblical. It is correct. It is needed. It is good for both of you.

          Tell her.