A Free Class Offered

      Each year, I offer at least one free class via Zoom. This year, it is a class on fundamentalism. "Fundamental" is the middle initial in IFB, independent fundamental Baptist. Yet at this point in our history it is the least understood, in my view. And it matters. Some essential questions this class is designed to ask and answer:

- What is fundamentalism? When did it start? Why did it begin? How did it develop?

- What is the doctrinal foundation of fundamentalism?

- What is the historical development of fundamentalism?

- What are the historical and modern objections to fundamentalism? What is our response to those objections?

- How does misunderstanding or misapplying this in our day happen? When it happens, what is the result? 

- concepts we will discuss include ecclesiastical separation, apostasy, holiness, and ecclesiology

- historical figues and movements we will trace include Donatism, Augustine, the Roman Catholic Church, the Protestant Reformation, the Anabaptists, the Puritans, the Downgrade Controversy, modernism, New Evangelicalism, Billy Graham, and the Emerging Church 

     There is no charge for the course. A 71 page syllabus will be provided. The cost is underwritten by my Patreon subscribers. We will meet each Tuesday night for two hours beginning February 4. This is one of my shorter classes so I expect to be done in about five weeks. If you have questions or would like to register, simply respond via email. Cut off date for registration is Monday, February 3.  

My Top Ten Books of 2024

     I archive my books on Goodreads. I also review each book I read. In 2024, I read 50 books totaling 20,571 pages, an average of 430 pages per book. The shortest book I read at 92 pages was C. I. Scofield's book on the Holy Spirit. The longest book I read at 1500 pages was the John R. Rice Reference Bible. Today's post contains my top ten books for the year. For those who are interested, I also maintain a recommended reading list here; it contains hundreds of recommendations spread across a couple of dozen categories.

     Enjoy.

The Treasurey of David, Volume 1, Parts One and Two, C. H. Spurgeon - As a long-time pastor, I have often sampled from these volumes in preparation for one sermon or another. But in preparing to teach an extended series from the psalms (one Sunday School lesson on each psalm) I decided to read them in their entirety, beginning to end. I have found them as rich in reality as they are in reputation. The staggering amount of content, good content, is matched only by Spurgeon's peerless ability as a wordsmith. It isn't often that I read a book/commentary on the Bible and think to myself, "Well, there isn't anything else left to say." This is one of those rare cases where I feel that way.

In the edition I have the print is tiny and the pages thin. It makes for laborious reading yet I have found myself more than amply repaid. I am quite sure that to whatever extent you read them - sampled here and there or read as I am doing straight through - you will come to the same conclusion I have.

Elon Musk, Walter Isaacson - Isaacson has done it again. He has shown us a man, and in showing us the man has shown how/why that man has changed society, and why it matters that he has changed society. Well written, as always. Mostly kept himself out of it, except for the occasional left-leaning criticism. Strikes me as fair i.e. even-handed. He praises Musk in some places; in others, he takes him to task, not personally, but historically, so to speak. The only fault I can really find in this as biography is that it was written too soon. The tale of Musk's life is not yet told. Mid-life biographies are always sketchy things.

Isaacson does an outstanding job tracing the arc of Musk's life from gritty South Africa in a broken family to Canadian immigrant to dot com millionaire to risk taking space pioneer. It is a marvelous tale, and an insightful one. You come away with a sense that you understand what makes Musk tick. It contextualizes the Musk you see in interviews and on Twitter. I know I'll never look at the guy the same again.

As for Musk. Wow. I've read biographies of all of the robber barons of the 19th century, trains, oil, banking, etc. I've read biographies of the movers and shakers of the internet era, Brin, Zuckerburg, Bezos, Thiele, etc. Musk is more impressive than any of them save Rockefeller. And he matters more than Rockefeller. I told my wife, "If Musk lived 2000 years ago, he would be on the back of an elephant leading an army conquering Rome." He risks everything. Constantly. It has produced big wins and big losses both, but more of the former b/c it is generally intelligent risk.

Musk the person/man is much less impressive. Foul mouthed. Serial adultery/practical polygamy. As horrible to work for or more than Steve Jobs. OTOH, I can't see him falling into a second juvenile childhood like Bezos is doing. He will press hard to the end, I think.

Back to the book... I think we need to read books like this b/c we need to understand the forces shaping our society. You must understand that to know where we are going next. With Musk, I feel terrified encouragement. What he has done for the cause of free speech alone is enormously important in the medium term. Much less so, with electric cars. Much more so, with space. And who knows what he will do next?

My compliments to Isaacson. He has done society a great favor to peel the mask back and show us the man.

When Pride Still Mattered, A Life of Vincent Lombardi, David Maraniss - This is my first Maraniss book, and my first bio of Lombardi. Together, they became an interesting discovery. Maraniss writes clearly here, following a mostly chronological order, but resisting the impulse to turn this into a dissection of football/football games. It isn't. Oh, he discusses both and in some detail, but this is absolutely a biography rather than a sporting history.

As a biography then this work stands or falls. And stand it does. Maraniss shows us Lombardi's neighborhood/family milieu, his education, and the influence of his church. He spends substantial time on his college career at Fordham, weaves in his marriage, and then relays his early struggles to find his footing. Then we see his coaching career, high school, West Point assistant, NFL assistant, the legendary years in Green Bay, and finally the sudden sunset in DC. Throughout, Lombardi's family plays an integral role in the book as it would have in his life.

Good biographies are measured on two things, in my mind. First, do they hold my interest? Second, do they give me a flavor of the age and a sense that I really know the man? Maraniss does both well here.

Sports biographies are not my usual forte. Glad I stepped out of my comfort zone for this one.

The Frontiersman, Allan Eckart - What a delightful discovery this book was. I've read thousands of history books. Eckert wrote history in such a way that it seems a series of connected short stories ala Louis L'Amour. And he did a staggeringly good job of it. This particular work traces the settlement of Kentucky and Ohio, and the Indian wars in which they were birthed. Eckert does this via a focus on two individuals primarily, Simon Kenton on the American side, and Tecumsah on the Indian side. In the process we see religion, warfare, technology, torture, economics, geo-politics, geography, massacre, and nature. Most of all, we see the human interest side of it all. What a generation that was, a generation of struggle and loss and triumph.

I finished it this morning. As I sit here, the superlatives that come to mind are many. I will resist the urge to spill them across the page. I read fifty books, give or take, in a typical year. Suffice it to say, it is the best book I have read so far this year. Simply superb.

Nuclear War: A Scenario, Annie Jacobsen - As an author, Annie Jacobsen was a delightful surprise. As a book, Nuclear War: A Scenario was terrifying. I've read more books than I can count, and while I have read sadder books and deeper books and more important books, I have never read a book that scared me more than this one. In my life.

Jacobsen, who has clearly done her homework, writes a bit like the early Tom Clancy back when he was good. There are lots of acronyms, albeit explained. There is tension, then mesmerizing tension, then horrifying tension, then terror, and each of these are carefully attached to what comes before. Intellectual honesty compels me to mention that she stretches her scenario nearly to the breaking point in order in order to write it. The Soviets are really going to launch all out war even though they know the Americans know it was North Korea that struck them? Really? China is just going to throw in at the last minute because several hundred thousand of her people died on the border? Neither of those are believable to me. But all else was eminently believable, and I do not doubt her analysis of the results at all. Additionally, I think this is precisely the type of profound thought exercise national leaders should engage in, and I dearly hope they will read this book.

It is a good thing I am a Christian. That grounds me and contextualizes such fears with the sovereignty of God and the great arc of redemption in Christ. But if it were not for that, this book would give me an untreatable ulcer for the rest of my life.

What a book. Wow.

The Other Side of Calvinism, Laurence Vance - I came to this work at the tail end of a several year personal study of Calvinism. In the course of that, I read works both pro/con for intellectual integrity's sake, though I freely confess I am certainly not a Calvinist. I saved it for last because, frankly, it is massive. Took me most of a year to plow through. I'm glad I did.

Vance opens the work with an almost 200 page history of the primary players (Augustine, Calvin, Armenius) and the arc of the development of Calvinism as a doctrine. The next 400 pages are spent on a deconstruction of Calvinistic doctrine. The final 200 pages are appendices, bibliographies, footnotes, and indexes. And may I say in relation to this latter section, I don't think I have ever read a more scrupulously detailed and cited doctrinal work in my life. There are thousands of footnotes. It is one of the clear strengths of the work.

I have given it here a five star rating. The writing itself does not deserve that. Vance repeats himself in places, and in others allows his personal animosity/snark too much reign. He also functions as if more arguments for his position are better even if they aren't better. Though grammatically correct, the book could have used a strong editor. Having said that, the work still deserves a five star rating for several reasons. First, the sheer volume of work that went into it. Second, his approach includes hundreds of quotations from respected Calvinist writers to establish the truth of his claims regarding their positions. This helped me immensely, being largely ignorant of those writings for the most part. Third, he fearlessly tackles both the large and small, the forest and the trees. He discusses the overarching failures of the structure, and the apologies offered for it, but he also delves into the individual passages and words in great detail.

I have no doubt that Calvinists have a negative view of the work. That does not concern me. What does concern me, what drove me in fact, was my search to find a detailed, heavily cited defense of an anti-Calvinist position. Well, I can stop looking and so can you. This is definitely it.

Challenger: A True Story of Heroism and Disaster on the Edge of Space, Adam Higginbotham - Adam has done it again. This is as good as his book on Chernobyl, at least. Though the scope is smaller (a tragedy vs a civilization threatening event) the approach is similar. He traces the biography of the individuals involved, how the technologies evolved, and how the culture of political and performance pressure produced man-made errors. His blow-by-blow narration of the event itself kept me on the edge of my seat even though I already knew the result. Finally, he discusses the follow-up investigations, and how the truth came to light. 

For me, this book has moved Adam up into the rarified air of the must read historian. Writing an outstanding book once is remarkable. Doing it again is awesome. My compliments, Mr. Higginbotham.

The Wide, Wide Sea: Imperial Ambition, First Contact, and the Fateful Final Voyage of Captain James Cook, Hampton Sides - Hampton Sides has done it again, a balanced historical account written in an absolutely compelling fashion. If Sides is not on your must-read list as a modern historian I don't know who is. 

In this work, we find the dramatic account of the last voyage and death of the great British seaman and explorer, James Cook. Sides gives us some context, but largely confines the story to exactly that. We see the ships, the men, the officers, the food, the medical issues, the map issues, all of it. We travel with Cook into the Pacific, partake of the baleful delights of Tahiti, bump into the Hawaiian islands, and taste the useless Arctic quest for the Northwest Passage. Finally, we are back to Hawaii for the gripping account of Cook's reception as a god and murder thirty days later. Lessons abound, in morals and economics and religion and leadership and hubris. 

If you haven't read Sides, start. Anywhere, but this work is as good any. And keep reading. He makes history come alive. 

1491: New Revelations of the Americas before Columbus, Charles Mann - I picked up this book with some trepidation. I do not have much use for revisionist history, especially of the left-leaning woke variety. And much of what gets written about this era of American history recently is precisely that. To my surprise and gratification, this wasn't. Rather, it was a thought-provoking and absolutely balanced view of a wide variety of aspects of this era of history. 

Mann does a staggeringly good job of bringing up the original historical take, tracing that historical take along its development, and then applying modern information to that take. It isn't revisionist near as much as it is corrective - of left-leaning revisionism. Whether the discussion is disease or archaeology or economics or politics or weapons or transportation or communication or ethnology or demographics, Mann does an excellent job of showing us the Americas prior to Columbus. The picture that emerges is much more complex than our childhood textbooks showed us, and yet humble at the same time. 

Good book, and earned a rare five stars from me.

This Is Marriage

 

Marriage is the knitting of two souls into one blanket that keeps out the chill of life.

Marriage is the exchanging of loneliness for the richness of companionship.

Marriage is independence becoming dependent.

Marriage is having two carry the burden meant for one.

Marriage is multiplying your joy while dividing your sorrow.

Marriage is not the absence of disagreement but the presence of compromise.

Marriage is trust given and trust returned.

Marriage is the pooling of resources and the evaporation of selfishness.

Marriage is God’s plan for a wonderful life.

Marriage is the best of both worlds.

Marriage is a foretaste of glory divine.

Marriage is hard work.

Marriage is having someone to read the map while you drive.

Marriage is the poetry of two entwined lives melding into one.

Marriage is the combination of strength and beauty.

Marriage is apologizing, not because you are wrong, but because you hurt the love of your life.

Marriage is trading McDonald’s for a delicious meal.

Marriage is the multiplying of love with the addition of wrinkles.

Marriage is the creating of two smiles where there had been none.

Marriage is the acceptance of responsibility and the abdication of foolishness.

Marriage is always having someone to button the back of your dress.

Marriage is always having someone to pick the lint off your suit.

Marriage is coming home to a kiss instead of an empty house.

Marriage is having someone care how you feel, what you think, and where you are.

Marriage is finally being allowed to use mistletoe for its intended purpose.

Marriage is two nuts becoming a single tree.

Marriage is the joining of souls in twin bodies.

Marriage is the discovery and exploration of the fascinating world that is the other gender.

Marriage is the union of similar differences.

Marriage is the bringing of Heaven to Earth.

Marriage is not an experiment, but a commitment.

Marriage is sometimes leading and sometimes following, but always loving.

Marriage is the utter revocation of others and the utter acceptance of one.

Marriage is the anchor around which successful lives navigate.

Marriage is the lifelong opportunity of living for someone else.

Marriage is giving yourself away unconditionally.

Marriage is not the spice of life but rather the main course.

Marriage is not the ignoring of flaws but the acceptance of the flawed one.

Marriage is the greatest test of character in the world.

Marriage is fun.

Marriage is sadly becoming old-fashioned.

Marriage is Christianity in work clothes.

Marriage is the completion of two incomplete people.

Marriage is privilege accompanied by responsibility.

Marriage is not fifty fifty but hundred hundred.

Marriage is rewarding.

Marriage is the most important earthly decision of our lives.

Marriage is for better for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

Marriage is learning to enjoy shopping because of who you are with.

Marriage is learning to enjoy football because of who you are with.

Marriage is being convinced you got the best of the catch.

Marriage is doing all you can to be the best of the catch.

Marriage is the proper balance of needs and wants, namely you want to give them whatever they need.

Marriage is two walking together because they are agreed.

Marriage is growing old along with me; the best is yet to be.

Marriage is the weave that keeps the fabric of our society from unraveling.

Marriage is having someone to pat you on the back instead of breaking your arm doing it yourself.

Marriage is adding a rose to the thorns of life.

Marriage is an obligation of delight.

Marriage is the cornerstone upon which civilization rests.

Marriage is a good life's work.

Marriage is the other half of yourself.

Marriage is forever.

-by Tom Brennan

Christmas, 1999

Marriage Myths: My Self-Worth = My Marriage

 

Marriage 31

 

          You are an insecure person. That is not an insult but rather a simple statement of fact. How do I know? Because you are a human being. Some of us are insecure and hide it behind a false front of machismo and bravado. Others of us are insecure yet refuse to admit it. Still others of us are insecure, and let it bleed through into our personality constantly. We call the latter drama queens. The truth is all of us are drama queens in one way or another. Some are just more visible than others.

          Disappointment often brings that insecurity to the fore. Our thinking, feelings, and even sometimes our speech and actions fall victim to it. Our inner man is always weak, yet sometimes it is weaker than at other times, or perhaps I should say more noticeably weak. We notice it. Others notice it. Sometimes both. We lose a job and cannot find another. We are forced into bankruptcy or lose a home to foreclosure. Our children rebel against us and the Lord. Our besetting sin gets the upper hand in a way that seems final. Our marriage develops serious stress fractures. Such examples could be multiplied ad infinitum. The result is an inward (and sometimes outward) "I'm a loser" type of attitude or feeling.

          The real issue will not be found in the list I just gave. The actual problem is that God never designed us to get our self-worth and emotional security from that which we personally accomplish. Nebuchadnezzar looked at the empire he built through the lens of its greatest city and uttered the infamous line, Is not this great Babylon which I have built? (Daniel 4.30) No, it was not. It was not great nor had he built it. It was temporarily impressive because the Lord had designed it to accomplish something in His purpose. And God had to take it away from him via taking him away from it in order to reveal that to him.

          God did not design us to get our self-worth from any human accomplishment or relationship; He designed us to get our self-worth and, thus, our emotional security from what He did and does for us. He made us in His own image. (Psalm 8) He valued us so highly and loved us so much He sacrificed His own Son for us. (John 3.16) I am valuable, I am worth something because I am worth something in His eyes. The proof is not that something is going right in my life; the proof is the price the Creator was willing to pay for my soul.

          What does this have to do with marriage and the home? Only everything. I am not a worthless human being if my marriage dissolves. My life is not a waste if my children rebel. Both of those will hurt indescribably should they happen to you, but they do not mean that you are a loser. You were not a winner when your marriage was sweet, and your children were obedient; you are not a loser if the opposite becomes true. You are a winner, so to speak, because you are valuable in your Lord’s eyes, made in His image, redeemed by His blood, purchased for His own purposes.

          Emotional security can only come from one source: Him. Millennia ago, the sweet psalmist of Israel expressed this truth in the broken shards of Psalm 62. My soul, wait thou only God; For my expectation is from him. Find your all in all in Him, your meaning and purpose in life, your emotional security, your expectations and fulfilments. All my springs are in thee. (Psalm 87.7)

          I am not saying the state of your marriage does not matter; it obviously does. But your self-worth is not defined by it. It is defined by Him.

 

 

Marriage Myths: Punishing Them Works

 

Marriage 30

 

          We spent quite a few weeks earlier in this series looking at each partner’s scriptural responsibilities in marriage. I do not remember anything in which one partner was to parent the other. Certainly, the husband is to lead his family spiritually, including his wife, but that does not mean he is supposed to punish her.

          In the mid-16^th century, Richard Taverner issued a new English Bible. It contained minor revisions of an earlier one, the Matthews Bible. It is mostly remembered for an oddity, a note in the margin alongside I Peter 3.7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Taverner’s marginal note took this verse in a rather unusual direction. “And if she be not obedient and helpful unto him, endeavoreth to beat the fear of God into her head, that thereby she may be compelled to learn her duty and to do it.” For this reason, Taverner’s edition of the Matthews Bible is known in history as the wife beater’s bible.

          Although few married couples conduct themselves in such a manner, thankfully, what they do instead is only marginally different in effect. When they do not like what the other person is doing, they hold something back to get even with them or teach them a lesson. The (dys) functional idea is, "Well if I don't do ____________, then he (or she) will realize how it feels when they don't do _____________." Punishment, in plain language.

          At this point, I would like to pose a most pertinent question. Is this the scripturally mandated manner in which we are supposed to respond to personal trespass? Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. (Matthew 18.21-22) To which Paul expands beautifully in I Corinthians 13. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. You can strain that with a cheesecloth, and you will not find any punishment.

          I beg you to listen to this next sentence. It is not your job to fix your partner. Husband, it is your job to love and to lead and to provide for her. Wife, it is your job to respect and to follow him. Both of you, it is your job to minister the one to the other. But it is not your job to fix them. There is nothing in the Bible that would say such at all.

          In addition, not only is it unbiblical to punish your partner in an effort to change their behavior, but it is not even practical. How often do sanctions via the United Nations work on a rogue country? Zilch. More often than not, what develops is an antagonistic relationship ala the US/Iran/North Korea, rather than an adjustment of their actions to conform to our desires. Punishing your partner will not make your marriage heavenly; it will produce another Cold War.

          Emerson Eggerichs says it this way in his book, Love and Respect. “The rule that never changes is: you can’t get what you need by depriving your partner of what your partner needs.”

          You think you can. But it is a myth.     

Marriage Myths: Seek Counsel When You Are Unhappy

 

Marriage 29

 

          Throughout Scripture, there is a primacy placed on seeking counsel. Thou shalt guide me with thine counsel, And afterward receive me to glory. (Psalm 73.24) Where no counsel is, the people fall: But in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. (Proverbs 11.14) I could easily cite dozens more.

          Life is a matter of relationships. If you do not believe me, ask the people in Western North Carolina what matters to them now. It is not their career, their stuff, or their reputation. What matters to them is the people they love. It then follows that if life is a matter of relationships, we should certainly be getting counsel about how to better maintain and improve those relationships. Foremost amongst these relationships is marriage. Put plainly, seeking counsel in reference to your marriage is certainly a scriptural and wise thing.

          Why, then, am I criticizing it?

          Look again at the wording of this particular marriage myth: seek counsel when you are unhappy. Assuming this is the approach, this makes your goal in seeking marital counseling one of happiness. However, it should not be the counselor's goal to make you happy, nor should it be your goal.

          Why not? First, because this is a pragmatic approach, and though Scripture does not totally rule out pragmatism, we certainly should not lead with it philosophically. Second, if happiness is my overriding goal in my marriage, I have opened the door to ungodly thoughts and actions. After all, if they make us happy, what right do you have to tell me to avoid them? Third, many divorces happen for precisely this reason – happiness is the goal, and it is slowly determined that it cannot take place within the marriage; ergo, the marriage is dissolved.

          Happiness ought never be a goal; happiness is a byproduct. It is the incidental outcome obtained on the pathway of obedience to the Lord. Of the 137 times the word "counsel" is found in the Word of God, it is never connected, in a good sense, with becoming happy. It is connected with knowing what God wants you to do. It is also connected with learning how to do what you already know God wants you to do. In other words, counsel is connected with obedience.

          Make no mistake, I am for marital counseling. But it is not to make you happy; it is to make you obedient. What does God want you to do in this situation? How exactly do you do that, or how can you do that better? Seek marital counseling for these things, beloved, and happiness will come by inevitable default.   

Marriage Myths: I Can Change Him/She Will Not Change

 

Marriage 28

 

          Single people often make two cardinal mistakes while dating. Each is similarly different than the other. The woman is not blind to the man's weaknesses, but she has a plan for that. She is going to fix him. After they get married, she is going to go to work hammer and tongs and turn him into the man his mother should have. On the other hand, the man contemplates his future bride with unmitigated delight. She is alluringly beautiful and sweetly endearing. The wedding will encapsulate her in a chrysalis of amber. This charming creature of youth and beauty and tenderness will be his to his dying day.

          They are both wrong.

Let us examine each briefly in turn. 

          My dear fellow, I hate to break it to you, but the footsteps of time chase all of us down. Solomon tells us to rejoice with the wife of our youth not with our youthful wife. (Proverbs 5.18) God designed women to be constantly changing, physically and emotionally. I do not mean He designed them to be unstable. I mean, He created them to meet the varied needs of the husband and children around them, needs that shift with the passing of time. As I pen this, I am fifty-one. My children are twenty-two, twenty, and fifteen. If Mandy was the same woman now as the one I married in 1999, my children and I would be in a world of hurt. But she is not. She is the same individual, but the decades of life in between have wrought some changes. If I fight that or resent that, I will have a constant erosion at the center of my marriage.

          My dear lady, I hate to break it to you, but first off, if he will not change for you as he seeks to win you, why would he after he has? Second, as men age, they generally become more resistant to change. That is why old men wear the pants they bought thirty years ago. Their life often resembles a canyon worn deep by the river of time, channels unchanged except for their depth. Third, you cannot change anyone; only the Holy Spirit can. The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. (Proverbs 21.1) While you can pray for the Lord to turn your husband, you must also accept it is beyond your power to do so directly. Fourth, and most importantly, failure to understand this produces a profoundly flawed marriage, one in which the wife has either become a battleaxe of a nag that the husband flees from or one in which the wife has so emasculated the husband he could not lead a horse to water.

          What is the moral of the story? Man, choose carefully, then be flexible as the Lord adjusts your wife for what you and your family are going to need next. Do not sigh with regret as she grows with the passing of the years. Woman, choose carefully, and then support your husband as God goes to work, forming him into the image of the Saviour. Do not mother him or nag him. Do not attempt to be his Holy Spirit. There is no vacancy in the Trinity.

          “I can change him.”

          “She won’t ever change.”

          Myths. 

               

Marriage Myths: Divorce Is Their Fault

 

Marriage 27

          I confess I do not much want to write today's post. I fear it will be misunderstood. More than that, though, I am afraid it will hurt people, good people, who will take my words in a judgmental way I do not intend. Such is the case when you write about divorce. It is the third rail – electrified and dangerous to touch. But I must if I am to write a well-rounded series on marriage. More than that, I must if I am to convey to the never-married and currently married people in my readership what I believe they need to know. Or, at the least, consider.

          In 2024, 673,000 marriages ended. A small percentage initiate divorce because they want to marry someone else. This small group will admit that the divorce is mostly their fault, though they will often fault their partner for being unloving, thus driving them into the arms of another. However, the typical person who sues for divorce has a long list of grievances against the other party. Lack of commitment. Infidelity. Domestic abuse. Incompatibility. Conflict. Financial pressure. Substance abuse. Etc.

          That is a rather long list with some ugly things on it. Put another way round, generally people divorce because they feel their partner does not do _________, which they should, or that they do __________, which they should not. Alternatively, it involves not what they do but what they are, positively or negatively. Put bluntly, most people who divorce do not think it was their fault the marriage dissolved. Statistically speaking, 66% of men and 74% of women blame their partner primarily for the divorce. “Yes, I am sure this is partly my fault, but it is mostly their fault. If they would have/If they wouldn’t have (fill in the blank) we would probably still be married.”

          That viewpoint is a significant contributing factor to the possibility of divorce itself. If I tend to blame them while exonerating myself, I am already on the road that may well end in divorce court.

          “That’s not fair, Pastor Brennan. You don’t know my situation.”

          You are right; I do not. Nevertheless, while this blog post does not apply to every marital situation, it still applies to most of them. And here is why: in my marriage, Mandy does not cause me to be the way I am; she reveals the way I am.

          Allow me to illustrate what I mean. Yesterday, I set out to tackle an obscure corner of my patio that has become overgrown with ground cover in the past few years. I wanted to put a wood rack there, and it needed to be cleared out. In the process, while using a weed whacker, I inadvertently sent a tiny particle of sand spinning through the air. Somehow, it went around my glasses and lodged in my eye. The resulting irritation was literal, I assure you. Unresolved, eventually, that sand may well have produced an eye infection and potential blindness. Yet an oyster that ingests sand solves the resulting irritation by secreting a substance around it that eventually forms a pearl.

          Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the eye? No. If it were, the results in my eye and in the oyster would be the same. It is, after all, the same substance. But the external irritant was not the problem, really. The sand was the agent that revealed the inner properties of the eye and the oyster.

          This problem is as old as marriage itself. And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. (Genesis 3.12)  Certainly, Eve bears guilt, but Adam bears guilt also. He cannot simply blame her for the ensuing disaster. His bad reaction to her wrong was just as much the cause of their crisis as her initial wrong.

          Blame is as automatic as breathing. We like to blame others because it gets us off the hook. But divorce, though often justified by blame, is usually at least just as much about my bad reaction as it is about their bad actions.

          Marriage reveals who you are more clearly than any other human relationship. Many people do not like what they see. Not in the other party, in themselves. So, to avoid seeing themselves accurately in an unflattering way, they bail on the marriage, all the while blaming it on the other person. They cannot handle the revelation of their own shortcomings in reaction to their partner's flaws. Rather than deal with it they walk away.

          Some of you do not believe me yet. Let me give you one final illustration. Why do so many people avoid reading the Bible? James 1 likens the Word of God to a mirror. Those who do not want to see how bad their actual condition is avoid the mirror rather than working on the problem. Our flesh does not like to see itself for what it is – lustful, bitter, lazy, proud, vindictive, jealous, angry, deceitful, weak, petty, and a thousand other things. So, we avoid the Bible instinctively.

          It is that same innate avoidance of seeing ourselves as we really are that is so often at the heart of divorce. And if I am right, divorce is not usually about my partner’s flaws as much as it is about my own. And when I leave, I take my flaws with me, unchecked, unmitigated, and unmortified. No matter how much I mollify myself by blaming my partner.  

          Maybe, just maybe, divorce is not the answer you think it is.

Marriage Myths: The Test Drive

 

Marriage 26

 

Marriage Myths: The Test Drive

 

          "You would be a fool not to. How else do you think you will know if you like it? It might not suit you at all. It's such an important decision that you should gather all the information you can about it before you make it. Only an idiot doesn't take a test drive."

          That paragraph may well represent wisdom about choosing a car, but it is absolute folly when selecting a husband or a wife. Yet the idea that living together before marriage results in a better chance at a lasting marriage is extremely popular. The last data I could find from the Census Bureau (2016) estimates that 18 million people live together as partners. That is triple what it was when I graduated from high school in the early 90s. Furthermore, The Centers for Disease Control estimates that 50% of all women under 30 will choose this route on the way to marriage.

          Jesus said it so well in the Autumn before His death: Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. (John 8.44) Of the various marriage myths we will examine for the next few weeks in this blog series, surely this has to be the biggest and the most damaging. It is an utter lie.

          Living together before marriage violates God’s Word. Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13.4) The physical act of marriage is not designed for a test drive. It is designed for the union of two souls. It is designed to create the intimacy necessary for trust and love to thrive. It is designed to produce children. It is designed to bring joy to a couple who have risked everything on a life committed to each other. The last thing God intended for it to be was a selfish, commitment-free mirage of a hedonistic joy ride.

          Ironically, the very pragmatism that lies at its core would argue against entering a cohabitation living arrangement. In a February 2010 report, the Centers for Disease Control found that married couples ten years in who lived together prior to marriage divorced at a rate of 40%; married couples ten years in who had not lived together prior to marriage divorced at a rate of 34%. Apparently, the test drive theory is faulty. Now, why would that be?

          I propose the answer is relatively simple. The vital element necessary to a successful marriage is commitment. There is no other way to build a good marriage. At some point, and soon, every marriage requires it. Living together as man and wife, mingling your past, present, and future, sharing the same living space, reacting differently to the same stimuli, experiencing health problems, legal issues, financial difficulties, parenting pressures, and a thousand other things will push you apart. In this scenario, when your dreamboat turns out to be a bit of a shipwreck, commitment becomes the cement that binds you together. The married couple who initially cohabited, however, bring a decreased sense of commitment and an elevated sense of "we're trying this" to the relationship. It does not take a rocket scientist to establish why the latter approach produces a greater chance of divorce.

          There are no better ideas than God's ideas. Living together before marriage is a bad idea.    

Eight Things to Keep When You Go to College

 

Note: Today, I am answering a time-specific question from my mailbag. The series on marriage will resume next week.

 

          It is the only time I have seen my Dad cry. We were standing together on a gravel parking lot in Indiana. We had just unloaded my stuff, schlepping it up the stairs into my dorm room at Hyles-Anderson College. It was just him and me. He looked at me, got a weird choking sound in his throat, and said, “I feel like I’m losing my right arm.” I had in me a curious mix of trepidation and excitement, with a dash of sorrow for my parents thrown in. But it was time. Time for me to build my own life. The world was my oyster. Let’s goooooooo!

          There are several before and afters in my life, events from which all that flowed was different than that which went before. Leaving for college was one of those. As we speak, all across America, young men and women are experiencing this precise moment in their lives. Just this week, someone I care about left home to attend Bible college in another state. They asked me for advice. Today’s post is my answer.

          Here are eight things to keep when you go to college.

Keep Your Mind Open 

          I do not know who said it first, but it was well said: "A mind is like a parachute; it only functions when open." I am known for being stubborn, for clinging with determination to positions and ideas. I think there is wisdom in this, generally speaking. But if you are not willing to listen to an alternate view or weigh the considered merits of another idea, do not go to college. It will be a waste of time and money.

          If you have chosen your school carefully, then show up with a mind open to the influences you will find there. Obviously, one should never accept any idea or person whole cloth, but the main idea of going to school is learning something new to become something better. So soak it all in.

          I am not talking about the truth. Truth, though debatable, is not relative or plural. But so much about life and ministry is. If you have grown up in a stable home and church environment you have been granted a huge blessing. By the same token, you also almost certainly have a rather narrow, parochial view formed by the culture of your home, your community, and your church. One of the great benefits of going away to college is not only exposure to an entirely different culture, but exposure to young people from a wide variety of cultures. College exposed me to a much wider perspective than I would have experienced otherwise. It expanded my vision, but only because I was receptive enough to keep my mind open. 

Keep Your Walk With God 

          There will never be a time or stage or age in your life when you do not need the Lord. Your soul will always need to be fed with the Word of God. Your spirit must needs constantly fly to the Lord for refuge. And this is true no matter how rich the spiritual environment in which you live.

          You will be busy. Keep your walk with God anyway. You will be pulled in ten different directions by priorities that scream at you, demanding time and attention. Keep your walk with God anyway. If you attend a Bible college, you will spend hours in the Word of God every day of the week. Keep your walk with God anyway.

          No professor or mentor can replace it. No spirit of enthusiasm can replace it. Constant chapel services and church services cannot replace it. Nothing can. The most important thing you will do each day while you are away at school is to carve out a few minutes alone with God somewhere. Open your Bible, open your heart, and let Him minister grace and truth to your soul and spirit.

Keep Your Budget 

          The typical independent Baptist young person going to college is largely self-funding. In plain speech, you are paying your own way. Many people will solemnly tell you what a crime that is. I am not one of them. It is exceedingly helpful. It will push you, and you must be pushed if you are going to develop into a helpful tool for the Lord's use. I paid every dime necessary for the diploma that hangs on the wall in my office. That process was as important to me as anything else that happened while I was in school.

          None of the above paragraph, though, is the point. Here is the point: the only way you are ever going to accomplish that is serious discipline – time management discipline, relationship discipline, academic discipline, emotional discipline, and financial discipline. A budget is not complicated. Your income must exceed your outgo. Make one. Stick to it religiously. If you have to take a semester off to make money, fine. If you have to eat bad dining hall food, fine. If you have to walk to work in the rain and snow, fine. If you have to wash your clothes in the sink, fine. But stay on budget.

          I graduated with a Bachelor of Theology degree four years after I enrolled, and I had zero debt when I walked across that platform. I drove a beater, wore old clothes, and functioned on little sleep because I worked so much, but I got that degree without debt. In today’s world, and tomorrow’s too probably, that is priceless.

          Keep your budget.

Keep Your Schedule

          At first, college will feel like camp, only better. Everyone will be excited. All the experiences will be fresh. You will make new friends every day. The world will be happy with you, and you with the world.

          …for a time. Gradually and inevitably, however, what was thrilling will become sheer drudgery. Emotion will not keep you going; character will. Your body will demand more sleep; your character will haul you out of bed in time (barely) for your first class. Your friends will beckon to you at the snack shop; your character will send you back to an empty dorm room to do your reading. Your mind will insist you cannot carry the workload; character will prevent you from dropping a class. In our world, the independent Baptist world, you cannot graduate from school without character. That is awesome, actually.

          When it is time for class, go to class. When you have only twenty minutes to eat lunch, eat lunch in twenty minutes. When your alarm goes off, get out of bed. Do the next right thing, no matter what else you want to do at the moment. Live by schedule. Let it be the boss of your life.

          You can thank me later.

Keep Your Purity 

          I was startled to see him. I was in California for a pastor's conference. It had been close to twenty years since I had last seen him. In the intervening time, he had planted a church or two and been faithful to the Lord. He still is.

          He walked up to me, held out his hand, and said, “Hello, Bro. Brennan, it is good to see you.” Awkwardly but sincerely, I looked him in the eye, reached for that hand, and said something similar. We parted a minute or two later, and I have not seen him since that day.

          Why does this matter? Because he married my girlfriend. She and I dated for most of two years at college, and I thought we were going to get married. Life went in a different direction. I am thrilled with the woman God led me to and the family I have. I am sure he feels the same as I do decades later.

          Here is the thing: I looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and my conscience was clear. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I had taken nothing from him of what was rightfully his. There are numerous reasons to cultivate moral purity – your relationship with God, to keep a clear head, because you agreed to keep the rules, because immorality is deceitful, etc. – but one that is rarely thought of is your conscience.

          Keep your purity. Someday, you may find yourself shaking hands at a meeting two decades later, and your conscience will be mighty grateful to you.

Keep Your Roots 

          The early months of college are a whirlwind of experiences, emotions, and relationships. Excellent. Plunge in. Seriously, soak it all up. Throw open your mind and your heart and let the world in. The teaching will be world-class. The music will make you shout. The preaching will be endlessly interesting and convicting. The friendships will be fast and deep.

          …but do not forget the folks back home. No matter where you go in life or who you become or who you become it with, to your Mom and Dad, you are the same person. In a similar yet different way, just as you will never outgrow your need for the Word of God, you will never outgrow your parents. When you go home for the holidays, spend your first evening with them. When you pass the hard test, tell them. When that first date turns into the third or fourth, tell them. When you need prayer, tell them. When you succeed or when you fail or when you just muddle along, share it with them. You do not understand this yet, but you are their entire world. Try to remember that when you are building your own world.

          And do not forget the folks at your home church either. They loved you, ministered to you, were patient with you, taught you, served with you first. You will hear a thousand preachers better than your pastor while you are at school, but never let him think that. Your pastor is better than all of them put together, anyway. He is your shepherd; they are just preachers rotating in and out of your life for a time. Ask his counsel and listen to it. Let his lifetime of wisdom infuse your decision-making and thought process. Let your gratitude remain as continual as his influence.

          They say you can never go home again. They may be right. So when you leave home, do not leave your roots. Keep them. And you will always be able to go home.

Keep Your Cool 

          Pressure does funny things. Hundreds of feet underwater, it cracks rivets and sows terror in the hearts of submariners. In the military, it produces Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and 22 veteran suicides every day. In the ministry, it breaks up marriages and brings devastation to a family and a church. In the police department, it brings unjustified shootings and the riots that follow. And hundreds of feet underground, it slowly turns coal into diamonds.

          When – and mark that I said when, not if – the pressure comes to you, keep your cool. Martyn Lloyd-Jones said, “Faith is a refusal to panic.” I love that. When you fail a class, keep your cool. When your car breaks down for the third time in a week, keep your cool. When you get unjustified demerits, keep your coal. When you think your professor is heretical, keep your cool. When you have too much month at the end of your money, keep your cool. When your boyfriend breaks up with you, keep your cool. When you get laid off, keep your cool. When you fall asleep in church, and someone accuses you of not loving the Lord, keep your cool. About the only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions; let them. But keep your cool.

          Precious little is built well when you build in a frazzled panic, your life included. Keep your cool.

Keep Your Eyes On Jesus 

          If you can only remember one of these, remember this one. Jesus is both the means and aim of our Christian life. It is His Calvary love which redeemed you and His grace alone that can sustain you. No goal He does not prize is worth a bucket of warm spit. No applause other than His matters in the end. No one else is worthy of your heart’s fire, your arm’s vigor, and your life’s service.

          The devil wants you focused anywhere but Christ. He will troll you, condemn you, deceive you, worry you, anger you, distract you, tempt you, gaslight you, flatter you, attack you, befriend you, sympathize with you, buy you off, beat you down, and a dozen other things in an effort to abort your usefulness to the Lord. He will give you a score of reasons to quit. Some of them will be genuine; most will not. He will seek to redirect you ever so slightly away from the mark God is aiming you at.

          Ignore them all. You have the Holy Spirit indwelling you. You have the grace of God available to you. You have a Book sufficient for your needs. Tell the devil to go back to the hell that spawned him and look to Christ.

          Someday soon, we will kneel before the Throne. I hope I am near you. I want to see your face when you hear, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. (Matthew 25.21) As the hymnwriter said, “It will be worth it all.”

          No matter who does what or says what, no matter the circumstance that arises, no matter the unbridgable gulf or unclimbable barrier between you and the will of God, keep your eyes on Jesus.

          He is enough.