Wife, Be Sweet to Your Husband

 

Marriage 22

 

For three things the earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: For a servant when he reigneth; and a fool when he is filled with meat; For an odious woman when she is married; and an handmaid that is heir to her mistress. (Proverbs 30.21-23)

 

          The simplest definition of the word "odious" is hateful. When a hateful woman enters the bonds of matrimony, the whole world marvels, and not in a good way. How can he stand to be married to that? She is a grouchy, nagging, bitter, argumentative battle axe of a harpie, always yelling at him, always complaining about him, always criticizing him, always finding fault with whatever he does or does not do or say.

          By contrast, and a startling one at that, place a sweet, affectionate, admiring, agreeable gem of a woman on the other side, one always complimenting her husband, always thanking him, always talking good about him, always praising him.

          Which one do you want to be married to?

          Which one do you want to be?

          Many years ago, my doorbell rang on a weekday mid-afternoon. I was startled to see one of our ladies standing at my front door. With a scowl, she thrust a folded-up piece of paper out toward me and growled, "He left me." I reached for it, unfolded it, and read the scrawled note inside. You can guess what it contained. I did the best I could at that moment to help her and continued to do so in years to come as I had already done in years past. But, as God is my witness, my first conscious thought was, "What took him so long?"

          I am here reminded of Winston Churchill's famous rejoinder in a similar scene. Seated next to a particular vociferous opponent of a woman, she gave him the business all through dinner. Finally, as if to crown her marvelous takedown of the 20^th century's most important man, she said, "Mr. Prime Minister, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea." Without missing a beat, he demolished her by replying, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

          In a different millennium on a different continent, another wise man said, It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. (Proverbs 21.9) Ten verses later, he reiterated and thus strengthened the thought. It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. (Proverbs 21.19)

          My dear sister, all the world howls after your husband. If he is the kind of man he ought to be, he battles all day long. When he comes home, he should not have to face more battles. Indeed, if he does, do not be surprised if he begins to avoid coming home. In such situations, he may and often does stop coming home altogether. A foolish woman chases her husband away; a wise woman makes him want to come home. She builds a refuge there, a castle for her king, a home for his soul, a rest for his spirit.

          Be sweet to him. Be the woman he wants to be around the most. This is the way.  

Wife, Reverence Your Husband

 

Marriage 21 

 

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5.32-33)

 

          The picture here is so helpful. On the one hand, we have Christ’s sacrificial love and tender care for the church. On the other hand, we have the church’s complete obedience and deep honor directed toward Christ. It is the wife’s portion of this picture we want to examine today.

          The dictionary defines reverence as a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe. Synonyms include admiration, adoration, approbation, approval, awe, bow, deference, deification, devotion, esteem, fealty, fear, genuflection, high esteem, homage, honor, love, loyalty, obeisance, obsequiousness, praise, prostration, respect, veneration, and worship.

          Of the three specific commands in this chapter directed toward the wife – to love her husband, to submit to her husband, and to reverence her husband – this is the more difficult one, in my opinion. After all, mothers are familiar with the idea of unconditional love no matter what the child does or is, and every mother is a woman. Generally speaking, women are better instinctively at all sorts of emotional things, including love. Respect, on the other hand, is often viewed as something that must be earned. Unconditional respect is a bit of an oxymoron. 

          In other contexts, I agree that respect should be earned, but bringing that into marriage is problematic at best. Why? Because the closer you get in a relationship the harder it is to maintain respect. Put your face six inches from the mirror, and you will clearly see all the flaws that are veiled at a distance of six feet. In a marriage, there is humanity without mystique; there is frailty, weakness, hesitation, insecurity, and sin visible. There is no earthly relationship quite so revealing or unveiling of the inner person as a long marriage.

          Put another way round, the greater the distance between us, the easier it is to cultivate respect. But the closer the relationship, the more you discover my humanity and the harder it becomes to maintain a respect so deep as to be called reverence. Of course, you can try to remind yourself of the things about me you respect in the first place, but it will be a constant battle in the face of my unveiled humanity. This is why the concept of earned respect is often damaging in a marriage; a wife knows her husband's humanity too well.

          So respect him unconditionally.

          How can you possibly do that?

          The same way you submit to him – through him to God.

          We see an Old Testament example of this in the relationship established between Moses and Aaron. And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God. (Exodus 4.16) God instructed Aaron in this context to view his brother – a man about whom he surely knew more than one or two peccadilloes – as if his brother was God. Aaron failed at this, as indicated by his and Miriam's rebellion against Moses, but if Aaron had followed God's instructions, he would not have failed.

          Many years ago, I spent two summers traveling with an older evangelist named Joe Boyd. I was just a teenager; he was in his upper sixties at the time. He had taken young men training for ministry with him every summer for years. I can only imagine the nonsense he had to put up with over those years. From time to time, Dr. Boyd would attempt to prevent the outbreak of such nonsense by preemptively warning us. On one such occasion, he was describing an interaction he had with an unruly preacher boy. The boy flatly disagreed with an instruction given to him by Dr. Boyd and said, "The Holy Spirit is leading me not to." Dr. Boyd looked at him and said, "Son, I am your Holy Spirit."

          I do not know that I would have said that, but it was not as blasphemous as it sounds. There was a clear biblical line of authority from the parent through Dr. Boyd to that young man. Just as that young man did not have the right to look at his parents and tell them the Spirit was leading him to disobey them, he could not use that line on Dr. Boyd either. Joe Boyd was to him instead of God, so to speak.

          Turning yet again to the Old Testament, we find a bad example of this. 

 

II Sam 6.15  So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

16  And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

...

20 Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!

21  And David said unto Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel: therefore will I play before the LORD.

22  And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour.

23  Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

 

          Michal’s failure here is even more startling when placed against Sarah for contrast. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. (I Peter 3.6) Sarah and Michal both were aware of unpleasant facts about their husbands, yet Sarah managed to box that out and maintain her reverence toward Abraham, while Michal signally failed at doing the same thing with David.

          The position of husband merits deep respect and reverence, as the King James Version puts it. The man in the position is not the point. Just as the wife submits through her husband to the Lord, so she extends reverence in the same manner.

          I suspect if that last sentence were carried out it would revolutionize more than a few homes in our midst.

Wife, Submit to Your Husband

 Marriage 20

 

 

          A godly wife submits to her husband. This is an exceedingly unpopular view of a wife's role in today's society. Still, as we discussed earlier in this series, we are not to get our view of marriage from society. Instead, we ought to inculcate it from the Word of God. It is to the Scriptures that I turn today. In them, we find several references to a wife submitting to her husband. Let us briefly examine them to discover what we can learn.

          First, we see that a wife’s submission to her husband came about as a result of the Fall. Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule  over thee. (Genesis 3.16) Make no mistake, women are not alone cursed as a result of sin. Men are, too. A man's curse revolves around the necessity of work to fight off a perpetual, never-ending financial insecurity he is never free of this side of the grave. A woman's curse is two-fold, as we see in this passage. First, she experiences sorrow and lives with a life-long concern for her children. Second, she is now placed in a position of submission in her marriage. I argued earlier in this series that a wife has great influence, but that influence is balanced by authority, an authority carried by her husband alone.

          Second, we see that a wife does not merely submit to her husband; she submits through her husband to the Lord. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5.22) Consequently, you are not in submission to God, no matter how much you know and do spiritually than your husband, if you are not in submission to your husband.

          Whoever bears the authority bears the responsibility also. Truman famously had a plaque on his desk that said, "The buck stops here." Your husband, not you, bears the responsibility for your family's actions and direction before God. In other words, you are not responsible for him; you are responsible to him. Many a wife of my acquaintance feels it is her job to practically be her husband's mother, or failing that, at the least, his conscience. Such a view is a failure to understand where the responsibility lies.

          Put another way round, you are responsible to him, but more so through Him to God. Your task is to submit to your husband and thus follow his leadership. Your husband's task is to submit to God and thus follow His leadership. Ergo, your husband is thus held responsible by God for his family's spiritual direction and actions.

          Long ago, one wag said it this way: submission is the fine art of ducking so God hits your husband. Since the blow will not be landing on you, the authority and responsibility do not rest on you either. Thus, in submitting to your husband's rule, you fulfill your duties to God. How can He have a problem with you in the result?

          Let us say, for example, that your husband wants to leave your church, and you do not. You should express your opinion that you desire to stay openly with him, but pair that with an explanation that you will follow him no matter what he decides. Then do it. When you conduct yourself in such a matter, you are obeying the Lord's directive for your life. The responsibility before God for the good or bad result of the decision at hand thus rests with your husband, for you have fulfilled what God intended for you.

          Alternatively, let us say for the moment that you want to leave your church, but your husband does not. You express your opinion that you desire to leave openly and frankly to him. He disagrees. You nag, bother, berate, and insist until he gives in, even though he does think it is wise and does not want to. If and when it comes from God, the blow will land on both of you, him because he failed to lead and you because you failed to follow.

          In simplest terms, you are submitting to God when you submit to your husband.

          Third, a wife’s model in this is the way the church submits to Jesus Christ. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5.24) We see a thorough submission here, literally in everything. At the same time, this thorough submission is not without the expression of your own request or opinion. Does not the church pray? Is that not, by definition, conveying its requests to the Lord? Of course. But once the Lord makes His will plainly known, the only acceptable response on the part of the church is obedience.

          If you can find room in this passage to refuse your husband, nag him to death, and whine until you get what you want, I shudder to think what your concept of church is like. On the other hand, just as with a church, a warm, sweet, intimate, joyous relationship blossoms when the bride submits in faith and good cheer to the groom.

          Fourth, a wife is to submit to her own husband. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Colossians 3.18) There may well be other men who exercise some authority over you in other areas of life, i.e., your boss at work, your pastor at church, and the policeman in the community. But what they say should never override what your husband says, nor should you ever grant them the same entire submission you grant him. Follow a designated authority in that authority’s sphere? Yes. Grant them the same blanket pledge of submission in all things? No.

          Fifth, a wife’s submission is designed to be a powerful force in drawing the husband closer to the Lord. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they may also without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. (I Peter 3.1) When you seek to follow your husband as the church follows Christ, i.e., cheerfully, in faith, thoroughly, and immediately, one would assume that the lost husband's reaction would be one of pride, arrogance, control, and bluster. And some do react in such a manner. I propose to you that such men are simply indicating their own insecurity in their leadership in the home. On the other hand, when a husband truly knows and feels that his wife trusts him and God in her submission, the opposite effect is produced. He develops an expanded sense of responsibility for her and to God. This, in turn, drives him to make careful, scriptural, spiritual decisions for his family. A godly wife's submission to her ungodly husband is a powerful force pulling him toward Christ.

          Lastly, this scriptural model of marital submission makes the wife look beautiful. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands. (I Peter 3.5) This verse summarizes the entire teaching of submission. Holy, as in a wife cannot be holy if she is not submissive. Trusted in God, as in her submission is through her husband to God, trusting in God to take care of her and hold her husband accountable. Their own husbands, as in marital submission is not to every man. The result of this is visible to all and sundry. Adorn themselves, as in making themselves look good. Women spend countless hours of time, dollars of money, and bucketloads of worry and effort seeking to beautify themselves and gain attention. Some of these things, in a proper place, are even appropriate. Yet a woman who scripturally submits to her husband has adorned herself with beauty long before she lays a brush upon her cheek.

          Any woman, or man for that matter, reading this is certainly welcome to disagree with me. As I have written this, I am conscious that for all the care I have taken, I could have worded something better here or there. I do not want to be unbalanced or to influence marriages in an unbalanced manner. But having said that, I am absolutely sure I am not mistaken about the primary point in question. Submission is not about the man's native intelligence or, power or glory. It has nothing to do with that. It is all about obeying the Lord.

          Wife, obey the Lord; submit to your husband. This may not be society's way anymore, but it is the way, for it is God's way. And when you stand before God you will be grateful you have obeyed Him in this, as in all things.     

Wife, Make Him Look Good

 

Marriage 19

 

          How do you boil a frog? Put him in a pan of water and slowly bring it up to temp. If you had dropped American Christians from 1924 into our society today, they would be horrified by a host of things we have long since begun to accept, including many of the tenets of feminism. The proof is how my title and essential point today will cause even good people to recoil immediately. Yet this is precisely part of God's plan for a wife in relation to her husband. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12.4)

          What does a crown do? Depending on the context in which it is worn, several things come to mind. Primarily, it sends the message that the wearer is a person of authority. Along the same lines, a crown causes an ordinary man or woman to look positively royal. In other words, a crown is a visible extension of the elevated position and authority of the one who wears it.

          A man looks like a better man when he has a capable, beautiful wife gazing up at him adoringly. And men, while they do not generally care how they physically look, care greatly about how they look to other people and what others think of them. I have often enough adjusted my own estimation of a man by the way his wife acts, for good or for ill. Occasionally, that mental adjustment on my part is rather drastic.

          Nor am I the only one who does so. Earlier today, I was reading William Taubman's Pulitzer Prize-winning biography of Mikhail Gorbachev. As a student at Moscow University, he was somewhat overlooked, being of poor peasant stock from a distant province. But when he won the hand of Raisa, in his words, he obtained instant prestige. How could he not? She was beautiful, cultured, intelligent, educated, and poised.

Here is a man I become acquainted with. I place his leadership ability and potential about the middle of the scale so to speak. Then I meet his wife. Suddenly, I realize I have enormously underestimated him. Consequently, I will act toward him differently going forward than I would have otherwise for the sole reason that his wife has made him look good. She is her husband's crown, revealing his otherwise unseen authority and high position.

          There are practical and philosophical ramifications to this, or perhaps I should say more noticeable and less noticeable applications of this. On the easily noticed negative side of the ledger, we see a wife who publicly interrupts her husband, disrespects his friends, dresses inappropriately, shares her disappointments and frustrations with him, nags him, compares him unfavorably to some other man, makes jokes at his expense, mocks him, or defies him, for example. Maketh ashamed, indeed. On the positive side, we see a wife who handles negative things in private, publicly speaks well of him, sees that he presents well in the sense of clothes and carriage, minds the children when he is otherwise occupied, encourages others to turn to him for advice or help, and affirms that she feels loved, satisfied, and content in her marriage. A crown, indeed.

          But I also think there is a deeper layer to this. Proverbs 31 famously shows us what is, in some real sense, the ideal wife. There we find the following: Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31.23) The implication here is that she has something to do with this. In other words, she does not just happen to be married to a publicly successful and accomplished husband. Rather, he is publicly successful and accomplished, at least in part because she married him.

          Many years ago, I heard a thought-provoking message entitled "Woman the Assembler." When she married her man, he had all or mostly all of the parts necessary to be a success, but it took a woman's deft touch and patient skill to assemble those into the man that everyone admired so much twenty years down the road.

          I feel this at the twenty-five-year mark in my marriage. My wife avoids/fulfills all or most of the surface illustrations I mentioned above. More importantly, living with her has changed me. It has grown me, molded me, shaping me into a better man. I am less sentimental and more sensible. I am more compassionate and less rattled. I am more groomed and less wild, and I am talking about the inside, not the outside. I am deeper, more wise, less angry, and less naïve than I was when I married her. And my ministry is more extensive. And the fact that this coincided with twenty-five years of living with her is not mere happenstance. She has (and is still) assembled me. If I am a king, she placed the crown on my head.

          The details of your marriage do not need to match my own, naturally, but your marriage arc should. God did not design the man and wife to share one address while building independent lives. He created the man to do a task and the woman to do all she could to help him do his task. And make him look good while he is doing it.

          If your husband is not a king, do not blame him. Look in the mirror. Repent. And go to work putting a crown on his head.     

         

 

           

Wife, Be Prudent

 

Marriage 18

 

          I believe marriage is a gift from God, both in the abstract and in the concrete. In other words, marriage is a gift to humanity, writ large, and to myself, personally. I view my wife in this way as God's gift to me. And that is the scriptural view. House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord. (Proverbs 19.14) If every good gift and every perfect gift cometh down from above, from the Father (James 1.17), my wife is undoubtedly chief among them. God saw my lack and sent me someone specifically designed to fill that lack.

          …but that is not actually my point with today's post. I draw your attention to the adjective in front of the word wife there. Prudent. This is what a God-given wife is supposed to be, amongst other things. And this character trait is tied explicitly to the fact that she is a gift directly from God.

          What is prudence? Loosely defined, it means to look forward, to see what is coming down the pike, and to adjust your current actions accordingly. Prudence thus implies two things. First, it implies a great deal of forward-looking. Prudence respects the past but faces forward. Prudence pays attention to the present but always keeps its gaze on the future. Having ascertained the future, second, prudence implies a great deal of thinking. If old age is coming, what does this mean for me? What does it mean for those I love? If I fail to adjust, what will result? If I succeed in adjusting, what does that look like in the present? Prudence is forward-facing contemplation.

          Let us now apply this to a wife's role in marriage. In what areas or in what ways does a wife exercise prudence?

          First, a wife should be prudent in her dealings with her husband. Scripture elsewhere tells a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge. (I Peter 3.7) Although it is not directly stated, the same is implied from the wife to the husband. A wife should ask the question, "If I do such and such, what will my husband do? How will he respond?" She should also know the answers to these questions. This is dwelling with him according to knowledge. She should then adjust her actions/non-actions accordingly. This is dwelling with him according to prudence.

          A prudent wife is almost never surprised by anything about her husband. In fact, it could be argued that a wife could and should be able to see things before her husband. And a husband who understands that listens most carefully to his wife. What has long been labeled womanly intuition is better labeled a prudent wife.

          Second, a wife should be prudent in her dealings with other men. Jealousy is a rage in a man (Proverbs 6.34). Such a fact does not make his jealousy acceptable in the eyes of God, but it does make it actual. This is my 25^th year of marriage. In all those years, I have never had one cause to be jealous. My wife has been conscious of her testimony, her integrity, and my heart. There are, of course, some women who have been taught to play with a man’s heart so as to arouse his jealousy. Foolish wives may do so; prudent wives know better.

          Third, a wife should be prudent in the handling of the children.

Each child gifted into our stewardship by the Lord is as unique as a snowflake. They are not built on assembly lines; they are created as individuals, first in the mind of God and then in the body of the mother. As such, they must be parented as individuals. Yes, certain things are true of boys, and other things are true of girls. Nevertheless, each child is its own person. A prudent mother knows her child better than any other human being ever will, perhaps. Applying that knowledge, she looks down the road to see what is coming and adjusts her mothering accordingly.

What a gift such a wife and such a mother is!

Fourth, a wife should be prudent in her handling of the household. Hopefully, my readers are familiar with the lady referenced in Proverbs 31 and will see the immediate connections. Scripturally, the Lord places upon the husband and father the responsibility of providing for the home. Just as scripturally, we see the wife and mother take the responsibility to ensure that what he provides she uses and spends and invests wisely. Ergo, she budgets, saves, and makes do. She plots how to subsidize the income. What she does not do is put even more pressure on her husband to produce a greater income. She is too prudent for that.  

It is ineffably sad when a wife fails in this area. She often hamstrings her husband’s ability to serve the Lord, and her children rarely rise up to call her blessed. (Proverbs 31.28)       

Fifth, a wife should be prudent in preparing for succeeding life stages. She looks forward and thinks about what she sees a great deal. Prior to marriage, she prepares herself for the honor and duties of marriage. Prior to motherhood, she prepares herself for the significant changes and opportunities it will bring. Prior to having children of school age, she plans for the schedule changes and life emphasis those years bring. Prior to having teenagers, she parents intentionally to prepare her children to succeed in those crucial years. Prior to being empty nesters, she trims the sails and adjusts the course of their marriage. Prior to retirement, she develops plans A, B, C, and D, all while trusting the Lord's word and work in their life. 

It is a peaceful June Sunday afternoon as I write this on my back porch. The sun is shining, the air is sweet with the fragrance of flowers, and the birds are cheerfully singing here at Saint’s Rest. My life is filled with the goodness of the Lord. But amongst all my earthly blessings, there is none other to be compared with my prudent wife. She is from the Lord, and I am deeply grateful to both of them for it.

Wife, You Have Influence

 

Marriage 17

 

          "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary."

          Who does not love It’s A Wonderful Life? Certainly, none of my readers would be so curmudgeonly. I am quite sure that each of you will sit down on Christmas Day in your slippers with your hot cocoa and watch it together as a family. This is the way. But I digress…

          When a man loves a woman, there is not much he will not do for her.

You can see this clearly and often in Scripture on the negative side. In the Garden of Eden, at the dawn of time, Eve was deceived by the devil, but Adam was not. (I Timothy 2.14) Adam disobeyed God knowingly and willfully. Why? The only argument that makes sense to me is that he did not want Eve to face the consequences alone. Moving forward a few millennia, we find a couple so godless, Ahab and Jezebel, that I have never met anyone with either name. Yet, who was the moving force behind their evil? But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the Lord, whom Jezebel his wife stirred up. (I Kings 21.25) Fast forward again to the time of Christ, and we see the beheading of a man Jesus said was equal to the greatest man ever to live, John the Baptist. (Matthew 11.11) What or who caused the death of this peerless prophet? A woman, Herodias. She urged her husband to imprison him. (Matthew 14.3) She pimped her own daughter out to her husband to motivate him to cut off John's head. (Matthew 14.8)

The point of the previous paragraph is not that women are evil. It is that women have an inherent ability to move a man in the direction they want him to go. Why did Jacob serve Laban for so long? Israel served for a wife, and for a wife he kept sheep. (Hosea 12.12) What motivated the Old Testament slave to willingly remain in slavery when he could have been set free? And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free. (Exodus 21.5) A man’s love for a good woman is at the heart of each of these scriptural illustrations as well.

There is an old saying, "Man is the head, but woman is the neck that turns the head."

"Sure, Pastor Brennan. Dream on. I've been trying to change my husband for nigh on twenty years now. It can't be done."

That is because you are trying to change him. Men resist being pushed around by a woman. Instinctively, when a woman overtly seeks to change them, the man sees it as a threat to his masculinity. Out of pure cussed orneriness, he will sometimes even move in the opposite direction. Solomon, who knew a thing or two about a woman's influence said, The contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. (Proverbs 19.13) Nagging him is not going to move him. It will only annoy him and build in him an increasing resistance to what you are trying to get him to do and be.

"Then explain it to me. You're telling me I have great influence over my husband with one breath and in the next breath telling me my man will grow more and more resistant."

The latter is true if he feels threatened, but the former is true if he feels love for you. When you as a wife concentrate on your primary responsibilities – to reverence and submit – your husband responds with his primary responsibility – love. God designed marriage this way. Each minister to the other and, in turn, produces what the other needs. Once that love is flowing from him to you, he will do just about anything for you. Not because you hassled him into it but because he wants to. Your influence is born out of his love. Up to and including lassoing the moon.

If you, as a wife, will dedicate yourself to your primary biblical responsibilities, you will hold his heart in the palm of your hand. For the love of all that is holy, do not waste that.

Use it wisely.         

Wife, View Your Marriage As a Ministry

 Marriage 16

 

          Several months ago, we began this series on marriage by exploring how God views marriage. We should get our view of marriage from Him as much as possible. Next, we turned our attention to the husband, and for two months, we looked at his responsibilities in marriage. Now, we will spend the next several weeks looking at the wife's obligations.

          I Corinthians 7 is one of the thorniest chapters in the entire Bible. This is both because it is somewhat complex in places and because the subject matter is not easily handled or often discussed. Having said that, there is much good material in it that pertains to marriage, including this verse: The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

          A careless reading assumes Paul is praising the single life and criticizing the married life. Such is not the case. As he develops in the context, there are advantages to being unmarried. You are more free to serve the Lord. You have more money, more available time, more mental focus, and can put more energy into serving the Lord than a husband or wife can, especially if they have children. Spouses have responsibilities toward one another, and parents have responsibilities toward children that can and often do limit their ability to serve the Lord freely. This is not wrong; it is how God designed it. There are downsides to being free of marital or parental duties, but surely one of the benefits is an increased ability to join in with the work of the Lord.

          Though that is Paul’s primary point in context, there is yet an application here for wives. She is supposed to take care to please her husband. I doubt any feminists read after me, but I care not if they do. God tells us in the Scripture record that a wife is to prioritize ministering to her husband above any other aspect of her life besides her relationship with the Lord. He is a more important ministry than your children, your parents,  your career, or your church. Once married, her husband is to be her primary duty and focus.

          We see this exemplified from the beginning. And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Genesis 2.18) The idea of the phrase help meet in the original language is that of one who is particularly suited for him. Think of a puzzle with a missing piece. You cannot throw just anything in there; it must be a piece that fits the absence precisely. In this sense, a man is essentially incomplete until he gets married. Assuming he chooses wisely, she completes him; she fits him.

          But why? So she can help him. God did not parachute a wife into my life so that I could walk into church with a trophy on my arm and impress everyone. I asked my wife once where she was all my life. She said, "Growing up." I searched meticulously for someone that would fit me and what I believed God wanted me to do with my life. While I was searching, God was painstakingly preparing her to suit my needs precisely as I serve Him. She fits me and then helps me as I seek to do God's will.

          I do not mean to imply here that a wife should not have a ministry beyond her husband, nor do I have much patience with those who would hide their carnality behind such sophistry. My wife is a soul winner, a counselor, a discipler, and a teacher at our church. She sings in the choir and plays a musical instrument in almost every service. She excels at coordinating events and extending hospitality. She leads a homeschool group. More importantly, she is an astonishingly good mother. Yet, in all this, she has not left the role of wife to second fiddle in the least. For twenty-four years, we have served the Lord together as man and wife. We are a team. She is the second half of me, the better half, as the term says. She is the best earthly gift God has ever given me.

          My sister, you have several God-given responsibilities in marriage. But amongst the rest, underneath them all, so to speak, is this one: your marriage is your most important ministry.   

An Opportunity or Two

 

   

      My wife, Mandy, and I made the decision to shift to homeschooling our children fifteen years ago. In that time, two of our children have finished high school. Though I have helped her in that she has borne the lion’s share of the responsibility. Along the way, we have used a variety of curriculums but the one Mandy finds the most versatile and well-rounded is BJU Press Homeschool. From her perspective, it is well-designed, academically solid, user friendly, and functions well with multiple children or grade levels. She also specifically cites in its favor the fact it uses the KJV and develops a biblical worldview in the student.

          Recently, Mandy made the decision to become a consultant for Homeworks by Precept, the organization that distributes BJU Press Homeschool. As she says in her bio, “I was helped more than ten years ago at a BJU Press Homeschool booth by a caring and knowledgeable consultant, and I hope to be that for you.”

          If you would like to reach out to her to discuss homeschooling in general and curriculum in particular, you can find her email and text contact information here: homeworksbyprecept.com/Mandy-Brennan

          On an unrelated note, one of the lesser known aspects of Brennan’s Pen is Brennan’s Pulpit. I do not stream our church services, but I do make each of my sermons available to anyone who is interested in them. This week, I am beginning a new Wednesday night series entitled, “Character is King.” Godly Christian character is disappearing rapidly in our generation, but it is an absolute essential if you are going to build a solid, successful, stable Christian life. Some of the related subjects we will consider is what character is, character and reputation, character and emotion, character and accountability, and how to build godly character. We will discuss what the Bible teaches about specific character traits such as compassion, loyalty, consistency, responsibility, stability, courage, perseverance, gratitude, excellence, patriotism, gentleness, diligence, cheerfulness, purity, toughness, duty, frugality, generosity, contentment, humility, respect, fairness, and the work ethic.

          If you are already a subscriber to Brennan’s Pulpit you do not need to do anything; you will receive these messages as you normally do. If you are not a subscriber but you would like to become one simply reply to this email or send me a direct message on social media and asked to be added and I will take care of it. There is no charge; expenses are underwritten by my Patreon supporters.

          The blog series on marriage resumes next Monday. See you then.

Husband, Lead Your Wife

 

Marriage 15

 

          If I had to choose the single most significant mistake husbands make in their marriage, it might be last week's post about prayer. But if it is not that one, then it is this one. I grow weary thinking of the catalog of men I have known who have failed in this area. Cowardice? Often. Fear? Maybe. Misguided ideas that equate leadership with dictatorship and thus avoid it? Perhaps. Acceptance of 21^st-century worldly philosophies of feminism? Possibly. Laziness? In some, I suppose. But for whatever "reason," entirely too many of God's people have built the kind of marriage where the husband does not lead. And that is well nigh a tragedy.

          How do I know a husband is supposed to lead his wife? Paul used that term in reference to a husband’s work in marriage in I Corinthians 9.5. Additionally, the plainly emphasized call for a wife to submit herself to her husband in Ephesians 5 strongly implies as much. The illustration here, of Christ's relationship to the church being the model of the husband/wife in marriage, practically demands the husband lead. Yes, I am aware of how unpopular such notions are nowadays. But I assume my readers already reject the notion of trying to square scriptural doctrine with the circles of the world's opinion. Suffice it to say that the biblical marriage designed by God contains a wife who follows a husband who leads.

          Having established that, or at least expostulated the idea, it begs the question: what is leadership then? Some years ago, I did a rather developed study of the subject. I offer three definitions, all of which apply to the husband leading his wife.

          First, leadership is serving. Jesus made that crystal clear in the Gospels: Whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant. (Mark 20.27) This is the most critical thing to understand about leadership. It is not getting those beneath you to do what you want; it is ministering to them so carefully and so well that they instinctively hand you influence over their lives.

Which is the second definition of leadership: influence. Have you ever heard that readers are leaders? That is because the more you read, the more you know, the more you know, the more people will turn to you for direction, and the more people turn to you for direction, the more they will move in line with your counsel. That is influence. In fact, that is precisely why I write: to influence or move people toward a particular belief or behavior.

The third definition of leadership is the one they gave me in school, and it is pretty good. Leadership is the ability to create in others the desire to follow you. Leadership is thus not dictatorship. It is not demanding as much as it is motivating. A good leader provokes within you a desire to go where he is going. He strikes the chords of sympathy and respect deftly, and the resulting music moves you. If you have experienced the blessing of serving under a good leader at some point, you understand me here.  

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should serve her, prioritizing her needs and figuring out how to meet them. The result will be a wife who trusts her husband and has her best interests at heart. She will follow him because he is good at helping her with what she needs.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should influence her. He should consciously seek to shape her thinking, her beliefs, her priorities, and her actions. Rather than mandating them, he should figure out how to move her to the positions and choices he deems wise. Without squelching her person or stifling her individuality. Without treating her as a child. With patience, tact, wisdom, prayer, service, and love.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should create in her the desire to go where he wants their marriage to go. I do not mean that he should manipulate her into thinking the precise way he thinks. That would be foolish and useless. I mean that a wise husband seeks to cultivate his wife’s desire to be one flesh. He builds on their union and brings them together to face the same direction as they move forward in life. Because she wants to. How, you ask? Well, he created within her the desire to marry him, did he not? Copy that. Do it again.

Allow me two other brief thoughts here in conclusion. First, the husband leads by example. He does not recline in the easy chair and tell her to work harder. The scriptural illustration is Christ and the church. One of the remarkable things about Jesus is that He never asks us to do what He Himself has not done first, never asks us to go where He Himself has not gone, never calls on us to be what He Himself has not first been. The same is true of the husband in relation to his wife.

Second, a husband's leadership must include initiative. There is wisdom in knowing the right time to move. Patience is sometimes required as things develop. But for the love of all that is holy, make a decision. Move in a direction. Do not sit there, content to watch the slow-motion deterioration of your family, and then come to my office and tell me there was nothing you could do. There absolutely is. Lead. Be out front. Be going somewhere. Bring them along with you.

Now then, I commend you, men, for your patience. I have spoken to you first as is appropriate for your leadership position. Beginning next week, I will turn my attention to the other side of the marriage. What should a wife be and do in a marriage? We will tackle that next. Stay tuned. 

Husband, Pray for Your Wife

 

Marriage 14

 

          There is little, if anything, more difficult in a woman's life than the inability to bear children. In a real sense, it attacks her at the very core of who she is and how she views herself. It ruins her purpose, so to speak. In our modern society, it is not unusual to find women who have willingly set this off to the side as they pursue their own agendas, but in God's people, such thinking is rare, and rightly so. A woman has more purpose than to bear and rear children but make no mistake, that is a significant part of her purpose.

          Understanding this, then, I want to set before you two examples in Scripture of women who were unable to bear children. Perhaps I should say rather, two examples of husbands with wives in that condition since this post is aimed at husbands. One of these husbands handled it well; the other handled it poorly.

          In I Samuel 1 we find the story of a broken-hearted Hannah, desperate because she cannot conceive. Her husband, displaying a staggering ignorance of the depth of his wife’s pain, responded horrifically. Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons? (I Samuel 1.8) I am not surprised the Word of God does not record her answer. It probably involved hurling a plate at the man’s head.

          Isaac, on the other hand, responded much better to Rachel. Though Scripture does not tell us what he said, it does tell us what he did: And Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren: and the Lord was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. (Genesis 25.21) There is so much left unsaid there, but what is said is spoken beautifully. He saw the depth of her need, and he got down on the knees of his heart and begged God to be gracious to his wife. As He always does, God heard. As He often does, God answered lavishly.

          My brother, if you truly see your marriage as a ministry, what greater way could you minister to her than by praying for her? Ministry of any sort is entirely dependent on prayer. This one is no different. What does she need? What does she want? When these are beyond your power, as they often will be, ask God. Ask Him repeatedly. Ask Him fervently. Ask Him in all seasons of life. Take your precious wife in your hands and lift them up before the throne of grace.

          I realize that only some people who read my blog are in vocational ministry. Nevertheless, a large portion of those who read it do have such a ministry, and I would venture to say most of the rest are active in serving the Lord through their church. I grew up in a ministry home. My father accepted his first pastorate mere weeks before I was born. All too often, preacher's kids, as they are called, resent the ministry because it seems to pull their father away from them. Such was not my experience, and I am grateful. My father did not prioritize his public ministry above the one found in the confines of his own home. Yet you and I both know men who have and wives and children who have suffered as a result.

          Shame on you if you pray more for somebody else’s family members than you do for your own family members. You have no higher earthly relationship than the wife of your youth and the mother of your children. You have no higher calling than that of being her husband. You have no more compelling responsibility than her.

It may be you find within yourself the inability to bring your wife rest, to love your wife, to trust your wife, to praise your wife, or to tell her she is beautiful sincerely. Take that need in your heart to Him; it is at the throne you will find the grace to help you in your time of need, to help you be to her what she needs you to be. 

Alternatively, the lack you sense may not be in your heart, but in your wallet or your circumstances or something else. Go to Him, my brother. Tell Him how much you love her, how much she needs, what it is that you cannot give, and ask the Lord to provide it out of His bounteous wealth. Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves… He will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (Luke 11.5-9)  

I do not know any perfect pastors. I certainly am not one myself. I know what it is like to sit in my car, weeping, parked in front of some church member's house at midnight, and ask God to make up for the lack in my pastoring. I also know what it is like to bow before Him and beseech Him to make up for the lack in my husbanding. Tonight, as I lay down in bed beside my wife of twenty-four years, I will do so as the recipient of the largesse of God's grace at work in my marriage. It would be wise, indeed, for me to ask Him for more. I need it. She needs it. We need it.

So ask.