Wednesday, February 5, 2025

Introducing The Christ Conference

      For several years now, I have had a growing burden to develop a preaching conference with a singular focus on Jesus. We have conferences uncounted in the independent Baptist orbit, and I am not against them. Conferences on prayer, on church growth, on missions, on separation, on preaching, on leadership, on addictions ministries, on bus ministries, on marriage, et al. We have conferences for pastors, for teenagers, for single adults, for ladies, for men, for missionaries, and for colleges. I repeat, I am not against them. I have been to more of them than I can count and I have always found a blessing. I am not saying our conference will be somehow better or superior to any of those. But as I grow older I find an ever-increasing burden to center the emphasis of whatever ministry I have around Jesus Christ. So as spring turns to summer here along the banks of the Mississippi River, the Bible Baptist Church of Dubuque, Iowa, plans to try to do exactly that.

     When is it? The Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of Memorial Day week, May 27, 28, and 29. We will run two preachers each morning and two more each evening, twelve sermons in total. The only instruction each preacher has been given is to bring us a message about Jesus. Who is preaching? Nobody well known, really, but we are good with that. Joel Bible. Chris Birkholz. Tom Brennan. Paul Crow. Donald Link. Cole Mahle. Ed Mast. A. J. Potter. Ben Sinclair. Keeton Wainscott. How much does it cost? Nothing. We're working at providing accommodations. At the least, we should be able to point you in the direction of a discounted rate at a decent hotel. We'll tell you as soon as we can. As a church, we are new at this so be patient with us. We plan to provide lunch each day of the conference since good fellowship is an essential part of the edification of such things. 

     The Christ Conference. Ten men. Twelve sermons. Every message about Jesus.

     We invite you to join us.   

They ceased not to teach and preach Jesus Christ. Acts 5:42

Tuesday, January 28, 2025

My 2025 Travel Schedule

      My primary ministry responsibility is the pastorate of Bible Baptist Church in Dubuque, Iowa. For years, I resisted almost all invitations to speak elsewhere. But a couple of years ago, the Lord led me to change my mind about that for a variety of reasons. I now open up a limited number of slots each year to teach and preach other places. All my available slots for 2025 are filled. I am sharing that schedule with you because meeting my readers is one of my chief joys when I travel. If I am in your area, and you are able to attend a service where I speak, I would be delighted if you would come up afterward and introduce yourself. 

February 7-9, Marriage Matters, Hunt Valley Baptist Church, Cockeysville, Maryland

February 14, Valentine's Banquet, Gospel Light Baptist Church, Marion, Iowa

March 3, Super Conference, Northside Baptist Church, Davenport, Iowa
March 24-28, Ambassador Baptist College, Bible Conference, Lattimore, North Carolina

April 15-16, Baptist College of Ministry, Menomenee Falls, Wisconsin
June 30-July 4, Commonground Baptist Camp, Butler, Pennsylvania

November 2, Calvary Baptist Church, Beaufort, South Carolina

Tuesday, January 21, 2025

From My Mailbag...

      From time to time, I receive questions of one sort or another. They work their way to the bottom of my to do list. In fact, today's question has been sitting in my inbox for nine months. As you can see, I'm trying to discourage you from sending me questions. <grin> At any rate, in between blog series I like to answer one or two, especially if I think they might benefit a wider audience. 

    Here is today's question: "Could you please send me maybe 4-5 tips you have for organizing your time and ideas with writing and reading when you have a moment? I’d really value your input. A while ago you challenged me to write (maybe you do with everyone I don’t know??) but I’ve taken it to heart."

    I do plead guilty to being a writing evangelist. If you have ever spent time around me, and expressed above average intelligence, I have probably urged you to write. Of course, that is relatively easy for me to do. I don't have your schedule, priorities, commitments, or challenges. Then again, you don't have mine either. So what I have learned in relation to writing and ideas and schedule that might be helpful here?

    First, I have found it helpful to commit to blogging regularly. Weekly, in my case. My first year writing I blogged daily. That was a mistake. <grin> But a worse mistake is to tell yourself you will write when you have time, or to sit down when you feel the urge. Like with the question that produced this blog, such an attitude will drive writing to the bottom of your to do list. I know men who are at least as good of a writer as I am, if not better, who blog a half dozen times a year about some random thing or other that strikes their fancy. Not only will they never develop momentum in a readership, they will not develop any momentum in writing either. Like soul winning or prayer or a date with your wife, if you put it on your schedule and you are a person of character it will get done. So commit to writing something at least weekly.

    Second, I have found it helpful to write in a series. A book is a series, at least the kind I write. I also blog in series. 

    This has several advantages. You can explore a subject in depth, and I think there is staying power in that kind of study and teaching and writing. Then, too, it protects you from over-reacting to the current zeitgeist, the news of the day, and writing throw away pieces that have little use in months or years to come. It will also help you gather a readership. People who like the subject you are discussing will bring in other people who like it, and your readership will grow. Most of all, though, this allows you to plan ahead what you are going to write. Which is my next point, actually.

    Third, I have found it helpful to plan ahead of time what I am going to write for the next year or so. This developed first in my preaching, and I found it to be so beneficial I brought it to my writing as well. This allows you to research/study/outline something well ahead of actually writing it. Why does that matter? Because you will write better what you have thought about longer. Additionally, if you are in the ministry there are some seasons of your calendar that are busier than others. In the slower ones, you can do your immediate writing for that week, and some prep for future weeks. In the busier ones, since your prep is already done, you can limit yourself to just the writing. And everything I am saying here applies to book writing as well. 

    Fourth, I have found it helpful to take one particular time each year to do nothing but plan ahead, to put everything else on pause while you meditate and pray on the directions the Lord would have you go as you seek to edify His people. What does He want you to emphasize next? What do the people you influence need most in the near term future? How does this fit into your responsibility to preach/teach/write the whole counsel of God? When your life draws to its close, what will you wish you had used your influence to accomplish? Answer those questions, and the questions that spring from them, formulate your plan, work your plan, and don't get sidetracked. 

    For me, I have found my prayer retreat to be a good week to accomplish this each year. In case you needed another reason to go on a prayer retreat. <grin> 

    Lastly, I have found it helpful to repackage things I have previously studied and taught. I may take something I taught in Sunday School ten years ago, deepen it and widen it, and turn it into a Bible Institute class. Perhaps a series I did on Wednesday nights some years ago could be repurposed/retailored for a Sunday School class or a blog series. Etc. If your audience in this particular venue has little to no realistic chance of having heard that from you before, and it would benefit them, give it to them. A well produces good water for many years to all who draw from it. You dug a good well back yonder; it is ok to draw from it again. 

    I am not sure about everything, but I am sure about two things. I do not have all the answers. It is right to ask questions designed to pull wisdom out of people. So good on you for asking, just don't think my answers are the only good ones. 

    I hope something here may provoke a thought that might help you. And keep writing. Well, if you are of above average intelligence that is. <grin> 

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

A Free Class Offered

      Each year, I offer at least one free class via Zoom. This year, it is a class on fundamentalism. "Fundamental" is the middle initial in IFB, independent fundamental Baptist. Yet at this point in our history it is the least understood, in my view. And it matters. Some essential questions this class is designed to ask and answer:

- What is fundamentalism? When did it start? Why did it begin? How did it develop?

- What is the doctrinal foundation of fundamentalism?

- What is the historical development of fundamentalism?

- What are the historical and modern objections to fundamentalism? What is our response to those objections?

- How does misunderstanding or misapplying this in our day happen? When it happens, what is the result? 

- concepts we will discuss include ecclesiastical separation, apostasy, holiness, and ecclesiology

- historical figues and movements we will trace include Donatism, Augustine, the Roman Catholic Church, the Protestant Reformation, the Anabaptists, the Puritans, the Downgrade Controversy, modernism, New Evangelicalism, Billy Graham, and the Emerging Church 

     There is no charge for the course. A 71 page syllabus will be provided. The cost is underwritten by my Patreon subscribers. We will meet each Tuesday night for two hours beginning February 4. This is one of my shorter classes so I expect to be done in about five weeks. If you have questions or would like to register, simply respond via email. Cut off date for registration is Monday, February 3.  

Saturday, January 4, 2025

My Top Ten Books of 2024

     I archive my books on Goodreads. I also review each book I read. In 2024, I read 50 books totaling 20,571 pages, an average of 430 pages per book. The shortest book I read at 92 pages was C. I. Scofield's book on the Holy Spirit. The longest book I read at 1500 pages was the John R. Rice Reference Bible. Today's post contains my top ten books for the year. For those who are interested, I also maintain a recommended reading list here; it contains hundreds of recommendations spread across a couple of dozen categories.

     Enjoy.



The Treasurey of David, Volume 1, Parts One and Two, C. H. Spurgeon - As a long-time pastor, I have often sampled from these volumes in preparation for one sermon or another. But in preparing to teach an extended series from the psalms (one Sunday School lesson on each psalm) I decided to read them in their entirety, beginning to end. I have found them as rich in reality as they are in reputation. The staggering amount of content, good content, is matched only by Spurgeon's peerless ability as a wordsmith. It isn't often that I read a book/commentary on the Bible and think to myself, "Well, there isn't anything else left to say." This is one of those rare cases where I feel that way.

In the edition I have the print is tiny and the pages thin. It makes for laborious reading yet I have found myself more than amply repaid. I am quite sure that to whatever extent you read them - sampled here and there or read as I am doing straight through - you will come to the same conclusion I have.


Elon Musk, Walter Isaacson - Isaacson has done it again. He has shown us a man, and in showing us the man has shown how/why that man has changed society, and why it matters that he has changed society. Well written, as always. Mostly kept himself out of it, except for the occasional left-leaning criticism. Strikes me as fair i.e. even-handed. He praises Musk in some places; in others, he takes him to task, not personally, but historically, so to speak. The only fault I can really find in this as biography is that it was written too soon. The tale of Musk's life is not yet told. Mid-life biographies are always sketchy things.

Isaacson does an outstanding job tracing the arc of Musk's life from gritty South Africa in a broken family to Canadian immigrant to dot com millionaire to risk taking space pioneer. It is a marvelous tale, and an insightful one. You come away with a sense that you understand what makes Musk tick. It contextualizes the Musk you see in interviews and on Twitter. I know I'll never look at the guy the same again.

As for Musk. Wow. I've read biographies of all of the robber barons of the 19th century, trains, oil, banking, etc. I've read biographies of the movers and shakers of the internet era, Brin, Zuckerburg, Bezos, Thiele, etc. Musk is more impressive than any of them save Rockefeller. And he matters more than Rockefeller. I told my wife, "If Musk lived 2000 years ago, he would be on the back of an elephant leading an army conquering Rome." He risks everything. Constantly. It has produced big wins and big losses both, but more of the former b/c it is generally intelligent risk.

Musk the person/man is much less impressive. Foul mouthed. Serial adultery/practical polygamy. As horrible to work for or more than Steve Jobs. OTOH, I can't see him falling into a second juvenile childhood like Bezos is doing. He will press hard to the end, I think.

Back to the book... I think we need to read books like this b/c we need to understand the forces shaping our society. You must understand that to know where we are going next. With Musk, I feel terrified encouragement. What he has done for the cause of free speech alone is enormously important in the medium term. Much less so, with electric cars. Much more so, with space. And who knows what he will do next?

My compliments to Isaacson. He has done society a great favor to peel the mask back and show us the man.


When Pride Still Mattered, A Life of Vincent Lombardi, David Maraniss - This is my first Maraniss book, and my first bio of Lombardi. Together, they became an interesting discovery. Maraniss writes clearly here, following a mostly chronological order, but resisting the impulse to turn this into a dissection of football/football games. It isn't. Oh, he discusses both and in some detail, but this is absolutely a biography rather than a sporting history.

As a biography then this work stands or falls. And stand it does. Maraniss shows us Lombardi's neighborhood/family milieu, his education, and the influence of his church. He spends substantial time on his college career at Fordham, weaves in his marriage, and then relays his early struggles to find his footing. Then we see his coaching career, high school, West Point assistant, NFL assistant, the legendary years in Green Bay, and finally the sudden sunset in DC. Throughout, Lombardi's family plays an integral role in the book as it would have in his life.

Good biographies are measured on two things, in my mind. First, do they hold my interest? Second, do they give me a flavor of the age and a sense that I really know the man? Maraniss does both well here.

Sports biographies are not my usual forte. Glad I stepped out of my comfort zone for this one.


The Frontiersman, Allan Eckart - What a delightful discovery this book was. I've read thousands of history books. Eckert wrote history in such a way that it seems a series of connected short stories ala Louis L'Amour. And he did a staggeringly good job of it. This particular work traces the settlement of Kentucky and Ohio, and the Indian wars in which they were birthed. Eckert does this via a focus on two individuals primarily, Simon Kenton on the American side, and Tecumsah on the Indian side. In the process we see religion, warfare, technology, torture, economics, geo-politics, geography, massacre, and nature. Most of all, we see the human interest side of it all. What a generation that was, a generation of struggle and loss and triumph.

I finished it this morning. As I sit here, the superlatives that come to mind are many. I will resist the urge to spill them across the page. I read fifty books, give or take, in a typical year. Suffice it to say, it is the best book I have read so far this year. Simply superb.


Nuclear War: A Scenario, Annie Jacobsen - As an author, Annie Jacobsen was a delightful surprise. As a book, Nuclear War: A Scenario was terrifying. I've read more books than I can count, and while I have read sadder books and deeper books and more important books, I have never read a book that scared me more than this one. In my life.

Jacobsen, who has clearly done her homework, writes a bit like the early Tom Clancy back when he was good. There are lots of acronyms, albeit explained. There is tension, then mesmerizing tension, then horrifying tension, then terror, and each of these are carefully attached to what comes before. Intellectual honesty compels me to mention that she stretches her scenario nearly to the breaking point in order in order to write it. The Soviets are really going to launch all out war even though they know the Americans know it was North Korea that struck them? Really? China is just going to throw in at the last minute because several hundred thousand of her people died on the border? Neither of those are believable to me. But all else was eminently believable, and I do not doubt her analysis of the results at all. Additionally, I think this is precisely the type of profound thought exercise national leaders should engage in, and I dearly hope they will read this book.

It is a good thing I am a Christian. That grounds me and contextualizes such fears with the sovereignty of God and the great arc of redemption in Christ. But if it were not for that, this book would give me an untreatable ulcer for the rest of my life.

What a book. Wow.



The Other Side of Calvinism, Laurence Vance - 
I came to this work at the tail end of a several year personal study of Calvinism. In the course of that, I read works both pro/con for intellectual integrity's sake, though I freely confess I am certainly not a Calvinist. I saved it for last because, frankly, it is massive. Took me most of a year to plow through. I'm glad I did.

Vance opens the work with an almost 200 page history of the primary players (Augustine, Calvin, Armenius) and the arc of the development of Calvinism as a doctrine. The next 400 pages are spent on a deconstruction of Calvinistic doctrine. The final 200 pages are appendices, bibliographies, footnotes, and indexes. And may I say in relation to this latter section, I don't think I have ever read a more scrupulously detailed and cited doctrinal work in my life. There are thousands of footnotes. It is one of the clear strengths of the work.

I have given it here a five star rating. The writing itself does not deserve that. Vance repeats himself in places, and in others allows his personal animosity/snark too much reign. He also functions as if more arguments for his position are better even if they aren't better. Though grammatically correct, the book could have used a strong editor. Having said that, the work still deserves a five star rating for several reasons. First, the sheer volume of work that went into it. Second, his approach includes hundreds of quotations from respected Calvinist writers to establish the truth of his claims regarding their positions. This helped me immensely, being largely ignorant of those writings for the most part. Third, he fearlessly tackles both the large and small, the forest and the trees. He discusses the overarching failures of the structure, and the apologies offered for it, but he also delves into the individual passages and words in great detail.

I have no doubt that Calvinists have a negative view of the work. That does not concern me. What does concern me, what drove me in fact, was my search to find a detailed, heavily cited defense of an anti-Calvinist position. Well, I can stop looking and so can you. This is definitely it.


Challenger: A True Story of Heroism and Disaster on the Edge of Space, Adam Higginbotham - Adam has done it again. This is as good as his book on Chernobyl, at least. Though the scope is smaller (a tragedy vs a civilization threatening event) the approach is similar. He traces the biography of the individuals involved, how the technologies evolved, and how the culture of political and performance pressure produced man-made errors. His blow-by-blow narration of the event itself kept me on the edge of my seat even though I already knew the result. Finally, he discusses the follow-up investigations, and how the truth came to light. 

For me, this book has moved Adam up into the rarified air of the must read historian. Writing an outstanding book once is remarkable. Doing it again is awesome. My compliments, Mr. Higginbotham.


The Wide, Wide Sea: Imperial Ambition, First Contact, and the Fateful Final Voyage of Captain James Cook, Hampton Sides - Hampton Sides has done it again, a balanced historical account written in an absolutely compelling fashion. If Sides is not on your must-read list as a modern historian I don't know who is. 

In this work, we find the dramatic account of the last voyage and death of the great British seaman and explorer, James Cook. Sides gives us some context, but largely confines the story to exactly that. We see the ships, the men, the officers, the food, the medical issues, the map issues, all of it. We travel with Cook into the Pacific, partake of the baleful delights of Tahiti, bump into the Hawaiian islands, and taste the useless Arctic quest for the Northwest Passage. Finally, we are back to Hawaii for the gripping account of Cook's reception as a god and murder thirty days later. Lessons abound, in morals and economics and religion and leadership and hubris. 

If you haven't read Sides, start. Anywhere, but this work is as good any. And keep reading. He makes history come alive. 


1491: New Revelations of the Americas before Columbus, Charles Mann - I picked up this book with some trepidation. I do not have much use for revisionist history, especially of the left-leaning woke variety. And much of what gets written about this era of American history recently is precisely that. To my surprise and gratification, this wasn't. Rather, it was a thought-provoking and absolutely balanced view of a wide variety of aspects of this era of history. 

Mann does a staggeringly good job of bringing up the original historical take, tracing that historical take along its development, and then applying modern information to that take. It isn't revisionist near as much as it is corrective - of left-leaning revisionism. Whether the discussion is disease or archaeology or economics or politics or weapons or transportation or communication or ethnology or demographics, Mann does an excellent job of showing us the Americas prior to Columbus. The picture that emerges is much more complex than our childhood textbooks showed us, and yet humble at the same time. 

Good book, and earned a rare five stars from me.

Tuesday, November 19, 2024

This Is Marriage

 


Marriage is the knitting of two souls into one blanket that keeps out the chill of life.
Marriage is the exchanging of loneliness for the richness of companionship.
Marriage is independence becoming dependent.
Marriage is having two carry the burden meant for one.
Marriage is multiplying your joy while dividing your sorrow.
Marriage is not the absence of disagreement but the presence of compromise.
Marriage is trust given and trust returned.
Marriage is the pooling of resources and the evaporation of selfishness.
Marriage is God’s plan for a wonderful life.
Marriage is the best of both worlds.
Marriage is a foretaste of glory divine.
Marriage is hard work.
Marriage is having someone to read the map while you drive.
Marriage is the poetry of two entwined lives melding into one.
Marriage is the combination of strength and beauty.
Marriage is apologizing, not because you are wrong, but because you hurt the love of your life.
Marriage is trading McDonald’s for a delicious meal.
Marriage is the multiplying of love with the addition of wrinkles.
Marriage is the creating of two smiles where there had been none.
Marriage is the acceptance of responsibility and the abdication of foolishness.
Marriage is always having someone to button the back of your dress.
Marriage is always having someone to pick the lint off your suit.
Marriage is coming home to a kiss instead of an empty house.


Marriage is having someone care how you feel, what you think, and where you are.
Marriage is finally being allowed to use mistletoe for its intended purpose.
Marriage is two nuts becoming a single tree.
Marriage is the joining of souls in twin bodies.
Marriage is the discovery and exploration of the fascinating world that is the other gender.
Marriage is the union of similar differences.
Marriage is the bringing of Heaven to Earth.
Marriage is not an experiment, but a commitment.
Marriage is sometimes leading and sometimes following, but always loving.
Marriage is the utter revocation of others and the utter acceptance of one.
Marriage is the anchor around which successful lives navigate.
Marriage is the lifelong opportunity of living for someone else.
Marriage is giving yourself away unconditionally.
Marriage is not the spice of life but rather the main course.
Marriage is not the ignoring of flaws but the acceptance of the flawed one.
Marriage is the greatest test of character in the world.
Marriage is fun.
Marriage is sadly becoming old-fashioned.
Marriage is Christianity in work clothes.
Marriage is the completion of two incomplete people.
Marriage is privilege accompanied by responsibility.
Marriage is not fifty fifty but hundred hundred.
Marriage is rewarding.
Marriage is the most important earthly decision of our lives.
Marriage is for better for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.
Marriage is learning to enjoy shopping because of who you are with.
Marriage is learning to enjoy football because of who you are with.
Marriage is being convinced you got the best of the catch.
Marriage is doing all you can to be the best of the catch.
Marriage is the proper balance of needs and wants, namely you want to give them whatever they need.
Marriage is two walking together because they are agreed.
Marriage is growing old along with me; the best is yet to be.
Marriage is the weave that keeps the fabric of our society from unraveling.
Marriage is having someone to pat you on the back instead of breaking your arm doing it yourself.
Marriage is adding a rose to the thorns of life.
Marriage is an obligation of delight.
Marriage is the cornerstone upon which civilization rests.
Marriage is a good life's work.
Marriage is the other half of yourself.
Marriage is forever.


-by Tom Brennan
Christmas, 1999

Wednesday, October 30, 2024

Marriage Myths: My Self-Worth = My Marriage

 

Marriage 31

 

          You are an insecure person. That is not an insult but rather a simple statement of fact. How do I know? Because you are a human being. Some of us are insecure and hide it behind a false front of machismo and bravado. Others of us are insecure yet refuse to admit it. Still others of us are insecure, and let it bleed through into our personality constantly. We call the latter drama queens. The truth is all of us are drama queens in one way or another. Some are just more visible than others.

          Disappointment often brings that insecurity to the fore. Our thinking, feelings, and even sometimes our speech and actions fall victim to it. Our inner man is always weak, yet sometimes it is weaker than at other times, or perhaps I should say more noticeably weak. We notice it. Others notice it. Sometimes both. We lose a job and cannot find another. We are forced into bankruptcy or lose a home to foreclosure. Our children rebel against us and the Lord. Our besetting sin gets the upper hand in a way that seems final. Our marriage develops serious stress fractures. Such examples could be multiplied ad infinitum. The result is an inward (and sometimes outward) "I'm a loser" type of attitude or feeling.

          The real issue will not be found in the list I just gave. The actual problem is that God never designed us to get our self-worth and emotional security from that which we personally accomplish. Nebuchadnezzar looked at the empire he built through the lens of its greatest city and uttered the infamous line, Is not this great Babylon which I have built? (Daniel 4.30) No, it was not. It was not great nor had he built it. It was temporarily impressive because the Lord had designed it to accomplish something in His purpose. And God had to take it away from him via taking him away from it in order to reveal that to him.

          God did not design us to get our self-worth from any human accomplishment or relationship; He designed us to get our self-worth and, thus, our emotional security from what He did and does for us. He made us in His own image. (Psalm 8) He valued us so highly and loved us so much He sacrificed His own Son for us. (John 3.16) I am valuable, I am worth something because I am worth something in His eyes. The proof is not that something is going right in my life; the proof is the price the Creator was willing to pay for my soul.

          What does this have to do with marriage and the home? Only everything. I am not a worthless human being if my marriage dissolves. My life is not a waste if my children rebel. Both of those will hurt indescribably should they happen to you, but they do not mean that you are a loser. You were not a winner when your marriage was sweet, and your children were obedient; you are not a loser if the opposite becomes true. You are a winner, so to speak, because you are valuable in your Lord’s eyes, made in His image, redeemed by His blood, purchased for His own purposes.

          Emotional security can only come from one source: Him. Millennia ago, the sweet psalmist of Israel expressed this truth in the broken shards of Psalm 62. My soul, wait thou only God; For my expectation is from him. Find your all in all in Him, your meaning and purpose in life, your emotional security, your expectations and fulfilments. All my springs are in thee. (Psalm 87.7)

          I am not saying the state of your marriage does not matter; it obviously does. But your self-worth is not defined by it. It is defined by Him.

 

 

Tuesday, October 15, 2024

Marriage Myths: Punishing Them Works

 

Marriage 30

 

          We spent quite a few weeks earlier in this series looking at each partner’s scriptural responsibilities in marriage. I do not remember anything in which one partner was to parent the other. Certainly, the husband is to lead his family spiritually, including his wife, but that does not mean he is supposed to punish her.

          In the mid-16th century, Richard Taverner issued a new English Bible. It contained minor revisions of an earlier one, the Matthews Bible. It is mostly remembered for an oddity, a note in the margin alongside I Peter 3.7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Taverner’s marginal note took this verse in a rather unusual direction. “And if she be not obedient and helpful unto him, endeavoreth to beat the fear of God into her head, that thereby she may be compelled to learn her duty and to do it.” For this reason, Taverner’s edition of the Matthews Bible is known in history as the wife beater’s bible.

          Although few married couples conduct themselves in such a manner, thankfully, what they do instead is only marginally different in effect. When they do not like what the other person is doing, they hold something back to get even with them or teach them a lesson. The (dys) functional idea is, "Well if I don't do ____________, then he (or she) will realize how it feels when they don't do _____________." Punishment, in plain language.

          At this point, I would like to pose a most pertinent question. Is this the scripturally mandated manner in which we are supposed to respond to personal trespass? Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. (Matthew 18.21-22) To which Paul expands beautifully in I Corinthians 13. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. You can strain that with a cheesecloth, and you will not find any punishment.

          I beg you to listen to this next sentence. It is not your job to fix your partner. Husband, it is your job to love and to lead and to provide for her. Wife, it is your job to respect and to follow him. Both of you, it is your job to minister the one to the other. But it is not your job to fix them. There is nothing in the Bible that would say such at all.

          In addition, not only is it unbiblical to punish your partner in an effort to change their behavior, but it is not even practical. How often do sanctions via the United Nations work on a rogue country? Zilch. More often than not, what develops is an antagonistic relationship ala the US/Iran/North Korea, rather than an adjustment of their actions to conform to our desires. Punishing your partner will not make your marriage heavenly; it will produce another Cold War.

          Emerson Eggerichs says it this way in his book, Love and Respect. “The rule that never changes is: you can’t get what you need by depriving your partner of what your partner needs.”

          You think you can. But it is a myth.     

Wednesday, October 9, 2024

Marriage Myths: Seek Counsel When You Are Unhappy

 

Marriage 29

 

          Throughout Scripture, there is a primacy placed on seeking counsel. Thou shalt guide me with thine counsel, And afterward receive me to glory. (Psalm 73.24) Where no counsel is, the people fall: But in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. (Proverbs 11.14) I could easily cite dozens more.

          Life is a matter of relationships. If you do not believe me, ask the people in Western North Carolina what matters to them now. It is not their career, their stuff, or their reputation. What matters to them is the people they love. It then follows that if life is a matter of relationships, we should certainly be getting counsel about how to better maintain and improve those relationships. Foremost amongst these relationships is marriage. Put plainly, seeking counsel in reference to your marriage is certainly a scriptural and wise thing.

          Why, then, am I criticizing it?

          Look again at the wording of this particular marriage myth: seek counsel when you are unhappy. Assuming this is the approach, this makes your goal in seeking marital counseling one of happiness. However, it should not be the counselor's goal to make you happy, nor should it be your goal.

          Why not? First, because this is a pragmatic approach, and though Scripture does not totally rule out pragmatism, we certainly should not lead with it philosophically. Second, if happiness is my overriding goal in my marriage, I have opened the door to ungodly thoughts and actions. After all, if they make us happy, what right do you have to tell me to avoid them? Third, many divorces happen for precisely this reason – happiness is the goal, and it is slowly determined that it cannot take place within the marriage; ergo, the marriage is dissolved.

          Happiness ought never be a goal; happiness is a byproduct. It is the incidental outcome obtained on the pathway of obedience to the Lord. Of the 137 times the word "counsel" is found in the Word of God, it is never connected, in a good sense, with becoming happy. It is connected with knowing what God wants you to do. It is also connected with learning how to do what you already know God wants you to do. In other words, counsel is connected with obedience.

          Make no mistake, I am for marital counseling. But it is not to make you happy; it is to make you obedient. What does God want you to do in this situation? How exactly do you do that, or how can you do that better? Seek marital counseling for these things, beloved, and happiness will come by inevitable default.   

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

Marriage Myths: I Can Change Him/She Will Not Change

 

Marriage 28

 

          Single people often make two cardinal mistakes while dating. Each is similarly different than the other. The woman is not blind to the man's weaknesses, but she has a plan for that. She is going to fix him. After they get married, she is going to go to work hammer and tongs and turn him into the man his mother should have. On the other hand, the man contemplates his future bride with unmitigated delight. She is alluringly beautiful and sweetly endearing. The wedding will encapsulate her in a chrysalis of amber. This charming creature of youth and beauty and tenderness will be his to his dying day.

          They are both wrong.

Let us examine each briefly in turn. 

          My dear fellow, I hate to break it to you, but the footsteps of time chase all of us down. Solomon tells us to rejoice with the wife of our youth not with our youthful wife. (Proverbs 5.18) God designed women to be constantly changing, physically and emotionally. I do not mean He designed them to be unstable. I mean, He created them to meet the varied needs of the husband and children around them, needs that shift with the passing of time. As I pen this, I am fifty-one. My children are twenty-two, twenty, and fifteen. If Mandy was the same woman now as the one I married in 1999, my children and I would be in a world of hurt. But she is not. She is the same individual, but the decades of life in between have wrought some changes. If I fight that or resent that, I will have a constant erosion at the center of my marriage.

          My dear lady, I hate to break it to you, but first off, if he will not change for you as he seeks to win you, why would he after he has? Second, as men age, they generally become more resistant to change. That is why old men wear the pants they bought thirty years ago. Their life often resembles a canyon worn deep by the river of time, channels unchanged except for their depth. Third, you cannot change anyone; only the Holy Spirit can. The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. (Proverbs 21.1) While you can pray for the Lord to turn your husband, you must also accept it is beyond your power to do so directly. Fourth, and most importantly, failure to understand this produces a profoundly flawed marriage, one in which the wife has either become a battleaxe of a nag that the husband flees from or one in which the wife has so emasculated the husband he could not lead a horse to water.

          What is the moral of the story? Man, choose carefully, then be flexible as the Lord adjusts your wife for what you and your family are going to need next. Do not sigh with regret as she grows with the passing of the years. Woman, choose carefully, and then support your husband as God goes to work, forming him into the image of the Saviour. Do not mother him or nag him. Do not attempt to be his Holy Spirit. There is no vacancy in the Trinity.

          “I can change him.”

          “She won’t ever change.”

          Myths.