63 Things I Taught My Children About Dating, Part One of Five

 

Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating one year as part of our home school Bible class. I have been repeatedly asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>

 

1) A date is any specific period of time in which the two of you are purposely getting together in order to enjoy each other’s company, get to know each other better, to pay attention to each other; obviously, in this context it refers to romantic dating.

          Don’t fool yourself. Dating is not just asking a girl to the Valentine’s Banquet. “But we’re just friends, Dad.” Right. And I have some swamp land to sell you in Arizona. Identify it accurately so that you can plan for it wisely.

 

2) Don’t date your first semester of college.

          You are experiencing an enormous variety of changes in a relatively short space of time. Adjust to those before you complicate your life further.

 

3) Don’t date someone either 25% older or younger than you.

          Marriage is difficult. The more things you have in common the more helpful it is and vv. When the person you are dating is substantially younger/older than you they are probably in a different stage of life than you, experiencing different things, aiming at different things. If you get married, it will just make everything more difficult.

 

4) There is no such thing as falling in love; love is a decision.

          This is one of the most important things I have ever learned. The psalmist said, “I will love thee, O Lord.” Love has emotion, but it isn’t emotion; it is a decision of the will. This is why the husband can be and is commanded to love his wife; it is under the control of his will not an ephemeral cobwebby thing subject only to circumstance.

          In the context of dating, this has tremendous implications. Choose first (by careful screening) the right kind of girl/guy, then seek to develop a relationship with them. At the appropriate time, decide to love them.

          “Dad, that isn’t romantic.”

          Most of marriage isn’t romantic; it is commitment. It is a decision of the will to love and cherish till death do you part.

 

5) …but there is such a thing as infatuation, and an emotional preoccupation that mimics true love – and that you can’t necessarily control.

          So when it happens realize it for what it is (infatuation) and what it is not (love).

 

6) …so carefully screen who you date so that you don’t get infatuated with the wrong kind of person.

          Choose ahead of time, deliberately, what kind of man/woman you are going to rule in and rule out. Then proceed. With caution. But by all that is holy, don’t let your romantic relationships just happen.

 

7) You don’t need your parent’s permission (after graduating from high school) to date, but you should want your parent’s blessing.

          I’ve raised you to be full-fledged, independent adults when you finish high school. At that point, I will not tell you what to do any longer. As Dennis Corle says, “You don’t have to make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” I’m telling you ahead of time these things will be your decision. But if you are a wise man/woman you will certainly desire your parent’s perspective on your dating life and blessing on your choice of a life’s mate.

          The opposite of a wise man is a fool. And it never ends well for fools.

 

8) Ask your mother/my advice. A lot.

          We know you better than anyone. We have long and deep experience at life. We have long and deep experience at helping people navigate life and the result of bad life choices. In other words, we know it when we see it. We love you immeasurably. We are not the enemy; we are on your side. Nothing would please us more than to see you doing well. We have zero desire to manipulate or control you for our own purposes. We love the Lord. We’ve walked with Him a long time. We know the Word of God.

          So, yeah, ask our advice a lot. It’s just wisdom on your part.

 

9) Don’t date an unsaved person.

          God is clear about it. In addition, you both have seen numerous examples in church growing up of unhappy marriages, a wide gulf separating man and wife right where their marriage ought to be the closest – in their concept of God and good. No matter how much you like them or want to be with them, a decision to marry an unsaved person will bring you a literal lifetime of pain.

          So don’t.

 

10) Don’t date someone with a temper problem.

          That’s where abusive husbands and fathers come from. Just rule those chaps out from the start.

 

11) Don’t date a sneak.

          While it may be fun to run around with someone who seems to be able to get away with stuff, it is only fun in the short term. Who they are before you get married is who they will be after you get married. I trust Mandy with my life, with everything about my life. I’ve never had a single doubt in my mind that she wasn’t where she said she would be doing what she said she was doing. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” But I know many a husband/wife whose fears leak out of their eyes, down their cheek, and onto their pillow at night.

          I don’t want that kind of a choking horror for you. Don’t date a sneak.

 

12) Don’t date someone who doesn’t honor their parents.

          No one I know agrees with their parents about everything. As adults, you will no longer be under the biblical admonition to obey your parents. But you will always, for your entire life, be subject to “honor thy father and mother.” Your partner in life will tell you, frankly at times, where their parents have been wrong. But if they are wise, they will honor their parents anyway, in as many ways as possible, as often as possible, for their entire life.

          Other than your husband or wife, there is no earthly relationship more close or more permanent or more important than your parents. No one has sacrificed more for you. No one loves you more. No one is more deserving of your honor. As of this writing I am just about fifty years old. I have made honoring mine a high priority in my life, Mandy has done the same, and we are exceedingly glad we have done so. I also know a boatload of people my age who have not and regret it bitterly, or have enormous character flaws as a result of a refusal to do so.

          God’s way is the best way. If their conversation is always negative about their parents, if they refuse their parent's counsel, if they complain constantly about their parents, if they view themselves as so much better than their parents, mark it down, they are to be avoided like the plague.

          Christ modeled honor, both for His Heavenly Father and His earthly parents. Failure here is enormously damaging down the road. It fills hearts and minds and lives with deep and haunting regret. The fruit here is most bitter. It points to a soul lifted up in pride, and wherever you see the horse of pride the cart of destruction is certain to be behind.