Dating 3
Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating. I have repeatedly been asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>
26) When you get physical in a dating relationship you cloud your mind; that becomes all you think about and you cannot see clearly the road ahead.
There is an old truism, love is blind. Much of the time, however, it is a self-inflicted blindness. Doing something that contributes to making that blindness worse is foolish. In the wisdom of God’s design, physical affection is a form of expressing love. But outside the bonds of matrimony it is rather an expression of selfishness. And no one is so blind as the self-centered person.
The single most important decision you’ll ever make is who you choose to marry. You wouldn’t make such a decision while drunk, would you? No, you’re smarter than that. Then don’t make that decision while you are intoxicated in a similar albeit different manner. Keep a clear head. You’re going to need it.
27) When you get physical in a dating relationship you run the risk of not knowing how to stop.
I am not here going to give you my
belief/advice about what is acceptable in a dating relationship and what is
not. That’s another blog post. But I will say there is a reason sexuality is
called a drive, because it pushes you somewhere. It propels you. Fast.
Last year, a mile or so from our
church building here in Dubuque, three teenagers driving way too fast late at
night lost control of their car, hit the side of a rock cut, and went out into
eternity. At some point, toward the sudden end, they tried to stop. But it was
too late.
28) You should be attracted physically to them.
Put another way round, you should desire to express your love physically. You should just have the discipline and wisdom to wait.
Love knows no restraint – except greater love. So love God more.
29) As PKs (preacher’s kids) and hopefully people of good reputation, understand your dating life will be watched.
I do not believe there is one standard of right/wrong for preacher’s kids and a different one for factory worker’s kids. But the simple truth is you will be watched more closely by more people than others are. At this point in your life you are painfully aware of this, I’m sure. I was one, remember?
Why am I bringing it up then? Because not just who you date but how you date, how you go about the process of dating, will be/is influential on others around you. You can move your peers, your younger siblings, and others of the generation behind you in the right direction. You can help those who follow in your footsteps. Or you can hurt them.
As a senior in high school, an attractive college freshman came weeping to me one day. She had graduated from our high school the year prior. In the last two years of high school she had lived wrong, to put it mildly. Thankfully, she had since gotten right with the Lord. Why was she weeping then? Because the girls in the junior class behind me were acting like she had in high school - because she had influenced them. It marked her deeply.
The spotlight is on you. What kind of a memory will you leave behind you?
30) Treat your date’s parents respectfully, even if you do not understand and/or agree with their rules.
You have two choices here. You can strengthen your date’s relationship with their parents or you can weaken it. Which one do you think God would want you to do? Which one do you think their parent’s would want you to do? In years to come, when you have children of your own, which one will you wish you had done?
Yeah. Do that one.
31) Getting married young is hard on your education, career, and finances.
It isn’t wrong to get married young. It isn’t even necessarily unwise, though it can be. Maturity and age do not always equate. You can make a mature decision as a relatively young person about whom you want to marry and why. But even if you make that decision carefully and correctly, if you marry young some things are just harder.
It is easier to focus on your education when the only one in your life you are responsible for is you. It is easier to pay for your education, in fact, to pay for everything else if the only person you have to support is you. Especially if you can ease into that process by living at home for a while. (Not forever, just saying.)
Put another way round, marriage complicates everything. Now there are two different sets of thoughts, dreams, feelings, and plans. Now there is a brand new and vitally important relationship to learn how to do right. Now there is a sudden need for an influx of cash. Now there is a hundred other things happening that weren’t happening before you got married. Often, soon after the now there is a baby on the way. You think marriage complicated everything? Wait until that child shows up.
People who wait until all their ducks are in a row to get married often wait too long. People who rush out the door of their high school commencement and into marriage often never get their ducks in a row.
Just some things to think about.
32) The more frequently you date the more you will become physically attracted and emotionally attached; if you aren’t ready for marriage have the character to stretch out your dating.
I almost said wisdom but I think character matters more here. It takes character to discipline yourself, to limit how much time/attention you give each other. Especially in a day when your phone is always within arm’s reach and you can text/call each other at the drop of a hat. (I’m so glad I didn’t have that temptation to deal with in this context when I was dating.)
I suppose some would say I am advocating being cold or calculating with your dating life. I’m not. I’m advocating being prudent. Prudence is a biblical character trait that looks down the road, sees what is coming, and adjusts itself accordingly. If you aren’t ready to get married for two more years then don’t date like you’re in the last three months now.
Character, Dennis Corle says, is parenting yourself.
Yeah, character is the right word here.
33) Pray for wisdom.
I’ve spent scores of hours teaching you both the book of Proverbs. You know what wisdom is. It is how. It is all wrapped up in the decisions you make. Wisdom is the thing I pray for most as a pastor because my decisions affect so many other people. In a similar sense, wisdom is the thing you need most, for your dating/marriage decisions have such a long arc. They cast such a long shadow. They matter so much for so long in so many ways.
There will be numerous times in your dating career where you simply do not know what to do. My counsel will not be helpful. All the preaching and teaching and classes and books you’ve read won’t be helpful. Your mother’s perspective won’t help either. You will simply have no idea what is the best thing to do in a particular situation.
But God does. So pray for wisdom.
34) A healthy dating progression looks like this: first date, decision to continue dating them, decision to exclusively date them, engagement, marriage.
Bro. Hyles used to say, “Don’t rush the washing machine.” It has cycles for a reason, and if you move to the rinse cycle before the wash cycle is done you’ll have problems.
Don’t rush the washing machine.
35) A healthy dating progression enjoys each of these stages fully before going on to the next.
I’ve already said as much. Don’t think more comment is needed here.
36) You will be disappointed and probably even heartbroken over a romantic
attachment in your dating life.
I’m aware the courtship philosophy uses this as a primary attack on dating. It doesn’t impress me much. But it is certainly helpful to understand that these sorts of things often happen so as to not be quite so surprised and/or devastated when they do.
I don’t say “these sorts of things” lightly. Even you two don’t know how much and how deeply “these sorts of things” have marked my life. They often swallow your life, can for years.
If that happens or some version of it happens, understand you are not Job. Shakespeare was wrong about much of what he said, but his line, “the course of true love never did run smooth” is close to spot on. It is difficult to mesh two sets of gears together, even gears purpose built to mesh together. It is eminently harder to mesh two lives together, two individuals. Your mother and I have been at it for nigh on a quarter century and it can still be very difficult.
I preached months on suffering to my church because I don’t want them to be surprised when it comes. I want them to be prepared.
Be prepared.
37) Let God help you with that.
These sorts of heartbreaks are genuine heartbreaks. Your mother and I love you immeasurably and care about everything in your life. If it matters to you it matters to us, and the more it matters to you the more it matters to us. God has graciously given you friends who love you, and ministry leaders who have wisdom. But in the final analysis, no one can help you with such things. When you’re bleeding out emotionally on the inside the one to run to is Him.
There are reasons my favorite verse is Psalm 62.5. “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” Take your shattered dreams and wounded spirit to Him. Find your rest in Him.
Intimacy with Christ makes a good foundation to build intimacy with another human being upon. God almost always uses isolating pain to develop the former. Don’t be angry with Him; run toward Him.
“His understanding is infinite.” (Psalm 147.5)
“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.” (Psalm 34.18)
No comments:
Post a Comment