The Philosophy of A Good Fight

 

Marriage 24

 

          Love and hurt come together. Love is created and nurtered in an atmosphere of trust, openness, and vulnerability but these very things create the potential for emotional pain. When we love and are misunderstood, we hurt. When we love and are disappointed, we hurt. When we love and are rejected, we hurt. When we love and are ignored, we hurt. When we love and are frustrated, we hurt. Etc.

          There are good and bad ways to respond to this hurt. One of the poorer responses, however, is all too common—they lash out in attack.

What next? When we (unintentionally or intentionally) hurt the one we love and they lash out in attack the question then comes: What next? Often, our reflexes kick in and we automatically defend ourselves. Alternatively, if we have a bit more self-control we respond with silence. Sometimes, we attempt a hurried, conversation-stopping apology so as to head off more verbal fireworks. Worse yet, we react to attack by an attack of our own.  

The Apostle Paul gives us a helpful screen to strain all of our conversations, including marital. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. (Ephesians 4.29) In this context, I am forced to recognize that defending myself when I am attacked does not minister grace. Attacking my attacker, in turn, certainly does not minister grace either. There is wisdom in silence, and sometimes, simply taking in our partner's anger is the most gracious thing we can do, but other times, silence is not golden; it is just plain yellow. Nor is a conversation-shortening apology going to minister grace either, for all it does is wall off the problem without dealing with it.

Most of these are bad options most of the time because none of them deal with the hurt back of the attack. To deal with the hurt I must understand what caused it so that I may strive to avoid causing it again. It then follows that I must know what they are thinking or feeling in order to understand what caused the attack.

Solomon tells us this in relation to the family dynamic in Proverbs 24.3, Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established. There must needs be a good how and a good why in dealing with the verbal attacks that happen in every marriage from time to time. Peter builds on this specifically in the context of marriage. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel. (I Peter 3.7) In a fight, I need to know what we are fighting about (knowledge), how to respond best in that fight (wisdom), and why I ought to respond that way (understanding).

What ought to be my overall goal in these types of conversations? To minister grace. To do that, I need three things: knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. Practically speaking, when I defend myself, attack them in turn, ignore them in sullen silence, or cut off the conversation with a hurried apology, I gain none of these things. Responding so unwisely adds little to my necessary base of knowledge and understanding and thus prevents me from ministering grace.

Grasping this, what is my aim in a good fight? When I am attacked, what philosophical thought process should guide my response? Simply this: I want to know and understand my partner. Defending myself is not a priority. Calming them down is often helpful but only sometimes a priority. Defusing the situation so we return to the status quo is not the priority either. I want to know what my partner feels and why they feel that way. Only with this knowledge and understanding may I respond in wisdom to minister grace.

The most crucial thing in a fight is to understand each other.

Next week, we will talk about how to do that.