Marriage Myths: Punishing Them Works

 

Marriage 30

 

          We spent quite a few weeks earlier in this series looking at each partner’s scriptural responsibilities in marriage. I do not remember anything in which one partner was to parent the other. Certainly, the husband is to lead his family spiritually, including his wife, but that does not mean he is supposed to punish her.

          In the mid-16^th century, Richard Taverner issued a new English Bible. It contained minor revisions of an earlier one, the Matthews Bible. It is mostly remembered for an oddity, a note in the margin alongside I Peter 3.7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Taverner’s marginal note took this verse in a rather unusual direction. “And if she be not obedient and helpful unto him, endeavoreth to beat the fear of God into her head, that thereby she may be compelled to learn her duty and to do it.” For this reason, Taverner’s edition of the Matthews Bible is known in history as the wife beater’s bible.

          Although few married couples conduct themselves in such a manner, thankfully, what they do instead is only marginally different in effect. When they do not like what the other person is doing, they hold something back to get even with them or teach them a lesson. The (dys) functional idea is, "Well if I don't do ____________, then he (or she) will realize how it feels when they don't do _____________." Punishment, in plain language.

          At this point, I would like to pose a most pertinent question. Is this the scripturally mandated manner in which we are supposed to respond to personal trespass? Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. (Matthew 18.21-22) To which Paul expands beautifully in I Corinthians 13. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. You can strain that with a cheesecloth, and you will not find any punishment.

          I beg you to listen to this next sentence. It is not your job to fix your partner. Husband, it is your job to love and to lead and to provide for her. Wife, it is your job to respect and to follow him. Both of you, it is your job to minister the one to the other. But it is not your job to fix them. There is nothing in the Bible that would say such at all.

          In addition, not only is it unbiblical to punish your partner in an effort to change their behavior, but it is not even practical. How often do sanctions via the United Nations work on a rogue country? Zilch. More often than not, what develops is an antagonistic relationship ala the US/Iran/North Korea, rather than an adjustment of their actions to conform to our desires. Punishing your partner will not make your marriage heavenly; it will produce another Cold War.

          Emerson Eggerichs says it this way in his book, Love and Respect. “The rule that never changes is: you can’t get what you need by depriving your partner of what your partner needs.”

          You think you can. But it is a myth.