63 Things I Taught My Children About Dating, Part Two of Five

 Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating. I have repeatedly been asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>

 

 

13) Decide whether to play the field or date one person at a time.

          I don’t know who originated the phrase “play the field” to describe dating more than one person at a time, but that is essentially what it means. In a sense, I understand it. If you automatically limit yourself to dating one person at a time until you have decided to move on you may lose out on a different, better opportunity. On the other hand, if you are constantly on the lookout for who is next while you are dating someone at the moment how can you ever develop commitment let alone discern the will of the Lord in any real way?

          I’ve chosen all my life to do the latter, to date only one person at a time. It was more than a little problematic at times, but I believe I gained much more from it than what I lost. I’m not telling you what to do here, but I am suggesting you think both of these approaches through.

 

14) Look for a positive response.

          I was sitting in my freshman Old Testament Survey class when a student raised his hand. “What should I look for in a date?” The teacher looked at him, grinned, and said, “A positive response.” We howled with laughter.

          …but that teacher was right. If someone you are interested in is not interested in you, move on. Find someone who is interested in you. You'll save yourself an enormous amount of emotional trauma this way.

 

15) Don’t either over-estimate or under-estimate looks.

          Our culture is so rotten. It essentially equates everything in any way connected with dating as sexual, and sends the message loud and clear that physical attraction is all that matters. It does it with music, with advertising, with movies, with television, with coming of age stories, with everything. And it is flat wrong.

The person you are dating is a soul, a spirit, and a body. What they look like informs who they are but is not who they are. And who they are is both so much more and so much more important than how they look.

Having said that, if you do not find them attractive then I would argue you are dating foolishly. “Well, Dad, you told me to have character, to make a commitment.” I did. But if you don’t want to kiss them your marriage is going to be one long, dreary trudge.

 

16) I watched a girl for a month in college before I asked her out.

          This is one of those things that I occasionally tell people and they find it either hilarious or sad. I found it wise then and I find it wise now. I watched who she sat with in chapel and in the dining hall. (Who you choose as friends is highly revealing of who you are.) I figured out who her bus captain and favorite professors were and asked their confidential opinion of her character. I made an appointment with the pastor and asked his opinion. I drove to her home church, if it was within a few hours, and asked her home pastor about her. I borderline stalked her. Ok, maybe not borderline, but I wanted to know her character and spirituality level before I asked her out, before I got emotionally involved.

          My friends gave me enormous grief for that back in the day. They told me I was making it too hard, that I would miss out on Miss Right, that I would scare her off, that I would never find the right one.

          I don’t know much, but I know some of those friends are divorced now and I’m not. I know I married a woman who loves the Lord. I know I married a woman who could take a punch (metaphorically speaking, from life) and keep moving forward. I know I married one of the hardest working women I’ve ever known. I know I married a wonderful mother, an excellent homemaker, a frugal woman, a woman with a backbone of steel, a woman who has taken excellent care of me, of my children, and of my God-given ministry.

          I also know I dodged more than a few bullets along the way, women who from the vantage point of twenty four years of marriage I’m glad I avoided.

          Marriage is your whole life. Which makes dating enormously important. Which makes choosing who you date a critically important decision. So make it most carefully.

 

17) Be careful of dating someone who has emotional baggage from past abuse.

          God loves everyone. God’s forgiveness goes as deep as sin goes. God gives us in the Bible the tools we need to overcome bitterness, to deal with pain, to move forward in life in spite of our past.

          …but some wounds leave lasting scars. Perhaps a better illustration is an amputation. You can heal from what caused the loss of the limb but that limb is still going to be missing for the rest of your life; its absence is still going to impact you.

          Some people, either through no fault of their own or because of some bad decisions, carry a great weight of emotional baggage, to mix up my metaphors here. That will impact your marriage, your parenting, your finances, your ministry, your interactions with the opposite sex, your relationship with your family and hers, and a host of other things.

          I’m not saying you can’t do it or you shouldn’t do it. I’m asking you to weigh this carefully if you discover you are dating someone with a great deal of past in their past.

 

18) Marriage is a gamble at best.

With Mandy
Malibu, California 2015

          This sounds depressing, I know. I’m not down on marriage at all; I love being married. It has been the delight and honor of my life. But it is still a gamble at best. No matter how carefully you screen the other person’s character you do not know their heart. And neither of you can know what is coming in the future, or how either of you will react to what is coming in the future.

I think of Mandy and I burying your sister on that snowy Pennsylvania hillside less than a week after our first anniversary. Wow. Every study I have ever seen indicates the rates of divorce increase dramatically in such situations. It is a marvel that we did not, or that we did not quit the ministry at the least.

No, you cannot know what is coming, but you can be assured life, with all of its frailty and complications and suffering and success, with its “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” is coming straight at you both. You cannot stop it but you can prepare for it. By developing a deep and genuine walk with God. By knowing what you believe and why you believe it. By having a clear understanding of what God says about marriage and family and a clear vision to develop it.

…and by stacking the odds as much as you can in your favor. Marry someone with proven character, with a track record of loving God and people, with a desire for a biblical family, with the ability to live inexpensively, with the capacity to handle hurt. Marry someone you love and like. Marry someone you don’t fight with all the time. Marry someone who has a similar background and outlook as your own.

It will still be a gamble, but it will be a better gamble.

 

19) …so stack the odds in favor of a lasting marriage as much as you can.

          I see I have already written my way into this one so we’ll move on. 

20) Interracial marriage is not wrong by any means but it can be unwise.

          For the reasons I have just explained. It just makes everything harder. I know many interracial couples who have a beautiful marriage and you certainly can. I also think it makes marriage more difficult, especially in the first decade.

 

21) Their family background matters.

          Again, for the reasons I have just cited. Their concept of marriage is largely formed by their parents. Doesn’t mean you cannot date someone who’s parents divorced; I did. It just makes things more problematic in relation to ensuring the right philosophy of marriage, and it definitely makes things more problematic in relation to the in-laws after marriage. The latter and failures in relation to it is one of the leading causes of divorce.

          “Dad, I’m marrying them, not their family.”

          How can I put this gently… Don’t think I can so I’ll just say it. You’re wrong. You are marrying their family too. And you are marrying their concept of family.

 

22) Their financial history matters.

          Is he in debt? How much? Why? What has he done to get out of it? Will he provide for you?

          “Dad, that’s so old-fashioned. We’ll both work; it will be fine.”

          Ok, then who is going to take care of the kids when they are little? And what will having both parents work full time do to them? Setting that to the side, what will having a wife with expensive taste or a husband who is bad at managing money do to your marriage? Well, I can answer that in one word – pressure. It will put enormous and constant strain on your marriage.

          Moving all the time because you can’t pay the rent isn’t very romantic, especially when you have to cram four kids into a two room apartment. Constant car breakdowns or the inability to pay a babysitter so you can go out for dinner build resentment over time.

          I do not and you should not expect to find financial expertise in a twenty-something potential date. But you should expect to find honesty. You should expect to find little debt. And you should expect to find financial literacy.

          You’re going to need it.

 

23) Their work history matters.

          How often have they changed jobs? How often have they been fired? How often do they complain about work? How often do they call off work? How persistent are they at finding work?

          Or maybe it is a matter of how often do they work? Do they think twenty hours a week is full time, and more than that is unreasonable?

          Character shows up dressed in work clothes, not a tuxedo.

 

24) Their friends matter.

          I alluded to this above. Their friends reveal who they are, and indicate who they will become. “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: But a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”

 

25) Their relationship with the Lord matters.

          The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. In the final analysis, our flesh, our carnality is our worst enemy. No matter your background, family, philosophy, personality, or work experience, you still have flesh. You still have a carnal nature.

          The only thing that keeps that carnality in check is walking in the Spirit. I’ve needed Mandy’s patience, forgiveness, charity, longsuffering, mercy, and grace thousands of times through the years. Where does she get it? From her relationship with the Lord. A good marriage, someone has well said, is the union of two good forgivers. Only people that love the Lord are good forgivers. 

          …and that is just one aspect of this in relation marriage. There are many more. Give me someone who loves the Lord and walks with Him and violates most of the rest of these and I’ll show you a marriage win almost every time.

          The questions that occupy your mind are, “Do I love them? Do they love me?”

Don’t forget to ask, “Do they love Him?”