Dating 4
Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating. I have repeatedly been asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>
38) As you get older, always be looking but never be frantic.
It is certainly not wrong to desire a partner for life. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” (Proverbs 18.22) That desire you have is a God-given one. Marriage was instituted by God, and blessed by Christ. It then logically and spiritually follows that finding involved looking.
I believe that God provides our needs most often when we are working on providing them ourselves. While it would be foolish, by definition, to look in unwise places or in an unwise manner, it is not foolish to look; it is biblical. At the same time, what you must never do is panic, thinking that if this particular one doesn’t work you are doomed to a life of solitude and despair. Martyn Lloyd-Jones defined faith as a refusal to panic. I love that definition. Panicked people make bad decisions. Don’t panic.
38) Marry in haste; repent at leisure.
The shorter and faster your dating process is the more risk in inherent in it. As you get older, that risk diminishes, for you know yourself and you know how to read people better. But dating as a younger person must include sufficient time for careful investigation and deliberation, as well as preparation to get marriage off on the right foot.
If you ignore the above paragraph you will have nothing but time in which to wish you had not.
40) The older you get the less time you need in each stage of the dating progression.
As mentioned above, this is because you know yourself and you know human nature better. You are more secure in who you are. Depending on your age, you also have less time in which to live together as man and wife. More of your important life decisions are behind you and thus your marriage is less influential in the entire arc of your life. There is no need in this scenario to be quite as deliberate and cautious.
41) Emma, a good man will lead you in dating, and in each date. Jack, a good woman will follow you in dating, and in each date.
Scripture commands and models a home led by the husband. While you are dating those roles are not quite the same. A girlfriend is not bound to obey her boyfriend, for example, and should not actually. But the tendencies should be present, the understanding and desire to assume biblical roles should be there from the beginning.
This is why the old-fashioned idea of a man asking a woman out rather than vice versa is sound. This is why the man should plan, arrange, and pay for most of the dates. Etc. If what you discover is a feminist under that sweet smile your marriage will crash and break up on the shoals of conflict. Alternatively, as a husband, you can abandon building a scriptural marriage and build a worldly one instead. In which case your entire family will crash and burn on the shoals of worldliness.
Their foundational belief about marriage roles matters an enormous amount. And while dating roles are not nearly the same there should be evidence of that underlying foundational biblical belief.
42) Keep track of your dates so you can vary them.
Boredom is almost always a lack of mental discipline, either by the one in charge of planning events or the ones enduring, er, enjoying them. Foolish leadership crams the schedule down the throat of the follower while hollering about character. Wise leadership constantly cultivates creativity.
43) Within limits of behaviour and people, flirt.
A marriage without flirtation is a marriage in trouble. Assuming the flirtation in that sentence is between the husband and wife. In the old King James term, Isaac was seen sporting with Rebekah. In the original language, that literally means to flirt. There is a way of speaking, acting, and conversing between lovers that is different than any relationship they have with anyone else. So learn how to do it.
Within limits. Don’t cross the lines into disobedience of your own or others’ rules, let alone sin. Don’t flirt with people casually or carelessly any more than you would date someone carelessly or casually. But learn to speak and act the fun language of love. It is a good thing.
44) At the end of your date, the other person should be smiling.
When they walk away, it should be with happiness in their heart about you, and about your time together.
45) Do little things for them in between dates.
Back in the day, whippersnapper, we couldn’t just whip out our phones and shoot of a text or an email or a polo. We had to write letters and pay for stamps. We had to stand in line with a bunch of other people for our turn at a payphone. But I digress… <grin>
Don’t stalk them. Don’t hover. But if you really like them do something in between dates to keep you in their mind. I used to keep a Hershey’s Kisses in my pocket, and every time I passed my girlfriend in the hallway at college or saw her serving in the dining hall I would throw her one. On our second date, your mother brought me a drink I had mentioned in passing on our first date that I liked. Things like that stand out and say, “I care.”
46) Emma, it is acceptable for you to let a guy know you are interested in a backchannel sort of way. Jack, be (mostly) direct.
Some girls pine away, waiting in vain to be noticed by the guy they are interested in. Some may differ with me, and that’s ok, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a girl letting a guy know she is interested in him. Use a room mate. Use a staff member at your church. Use a friend. Don’t ask him out, but let him know you are interested.
Guys, on the other hand, shouldn’t hint as much as just plain ask. One of the worst things Barack Obama ever said was something to the effect that America was going to lead from behind. What an oxymoron. Without being rude or arrogant, be a leader. A girl should see a guy and think, “He’s going somewhere and I want to go with him.” So be going somewhere, and don’t be afraid to directly ask a girl to go with you.
47) If, during the course of dating, you discover a serious character flaw have the courage to break up even if your emotions are involved.
No one is perfect. All of us are flawed. But there are flaws and then there are disqualifying flaws. You date a guy and he’s late to work a time or two, that’s human. You date a guy and he slaps you when he’s mad at you, that’s not just a red flag, it is a disqualifying exhibition of abhorrent character. Even if you have a whole lot invested in the relationship have the courage to walk away.
48) What constitutes a serious character flaw might be something you want to discuss with your mother and me.
We’re not trying to run over your individuality and assert control in your life. But we’ve lived a lot longer than you. That means we’ve seen where a road leads. If you think the flaw you have discovered is a significant one it might be wise to bounce that off of us, and get our perspective. Perhaps it is not as bad as you think. Perhaps it is worse than you think. But maybe should ask us.
49) Jack, make her feel secure. Emma, make him feel taken care of.
Security is more than just feeling protected from harm. The component of emotional security is probably even more important. Being stable, as a man, not lurching from idea to idea or from plan to plan suddenly on a whim is also important. Being confident without being arrogant also helps with providing a sense of security to a woman.
On the other hand, just as God made women with a desire for security God created men with a desire to be helped, to be cared for. Helpmeet is a wonderful word. So show him by your words/actions that you can take care of him and that you will take care of him.
There are boundaries here, absolutely necessary ones. Dating is not remotely the same thing as marriage. But understanding that, you should seek to reveal with your life what kind of husband/wife you are going to be, and you should be looking as closely as possible to see what kind of husband/wife they are going to be. So show them.
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