Suffering Your Family

 

Suffering 10

 

          Thus far in this series on suffering, we have discussed what suffering is, and examined three who suffered in the Bible, God, Jesus, and Job. Before we move on to a different facet of this study, I want to examine one more individual who suffered much in the Word of God, namely, Joseph. We do not generally think of Joseph first when we think of suffering, but his suffering was acute. Further, what he endured and how he handled it over time contains some wonderfully practical lessons for us.

Joseph's Brothers Returning
by Pietro della Vecchia c 1650

          In looking at his life, I would argue that Joseph’s suffering revolved primarily around his family. In one way or another, he endured the loss of something precious via the death of his mother (Genesis 35.18-19), the favoritism of his father (Genesis 37.3-4), the scorn of his brothers (Genesis 37.4, 8), and the corresponding loss of peace in the home (Genesis 37.4). He was threatened with death by his brothers (Genesis 37.18, 20), sold into Egyptian slavery by his brothers (Genesis 37.27-28), endured the loss of his childhood home and family, the disorientation of being thrust suddenly into a foreign culture, sexual harassment (Genesis 39.7), slander by his abuser (Genesis 39.14-15), a serious legal charge of rape (Genesis 39.14, 17), and was forgotten in prison for years (Genesis 41.1).

          That paragraph reads like a counsellor’s nightmare. Twenty years after these events, the trauma of them still gripped Joseph. In the process of being reconciled with his family, the Word of God tells us that Joseph wept on six specific occasions. (Genesis 42.21, 43.30, 45.2, 46.29, 50.1, 50.17) And each of these six cases was directly tied to his family, and the loss he had suffered in that context over the decades.

          At the risk of being controversial, it is my contention that Joseph’s suffering was the result of generational sin. Ezekiel 18.2 tells us each of us is accountable for himself, but the choices I make, for good or ill, greatly affect the environment in which my children grow up. My choices influence them. Wrong actions – sin – are rooted in wrong thinking. Often, that wrong thinking is passed down generationally so those wrong actions are passed down generationally as well.

          When we find Joseph, favoritism and deceit are both part of his life, and no wonder – they were part of his forefather’s lives. Joseph’s grandfather, Isaac, viewed Esau much more favorably than Jacob. Joseph’s grandmother, Rebekah, did the exact opposite. (Genesis 35.28) In this environment, Jacob learned deceit at his mother’s knee as she sought to advance her chosen son. It was her idea to use the goats in place of the venison. It was her hands that cooked the meat. It was her idea to put Esau’s clothes on Jacob. It was her idea to put the goatskins on his hands. Is it any wonder that Jacob’s name literally came to mean deceiver? Or that he lived up to that name by deceiving Esau, Isaac, and Laban?

          The favoritism we see in Joseph’s grandparents we next find in his parents. Jacob expresses a clear preference for Rachel’s sons, Joseph and Benjamin. The deceit had even deeper roots. Joseph’s grandfather, Isaac, deceived the men of Gerar regarding his wife. He told them she was his sister. (Genesis 26.6-7) Where did Joseph’s grandfather learn that? From his own father, Abraham, who did it first in Egypt. (Genesis 12.10-13)

          In such a familial milieu it will little surprise us to find it in Joseph’s day. Deceit and favoritism run like a dark thread through four consecutive generations and Joseph is the victim of it. He is the favorite. His brothers beat him up, sell him into slavery, and deceive their father about it all.

          It is undeniable that Joseph suffered awfully as a result of all of this. How then did he handle it? I would argue that he dealt with his suffering via forgiveness in his heart.

Joseph, Son of Jacob, in Jail
by Mariano Barbasan c 1900

          Ultimately, sin is done against God. David’s penitential Psalm 51 shows us this. Sin is the violation of His law, not mine. This is why He and He alone has the duty and prerogative of dispensing justice and vengeance. (Romans 12.19) At the same time, however, sin is also against people. Generally, sin and especially the consequence of sin is toward or against someone. At the least, our sin almost always causes suffering, for ourselves and others. Thus, while most of the time Scripture says we sin against God, there is also the idea or concept of sinning against an individual. (I Samuel 19.4) Surely, Saul’s sin of murderous rage was also against David. Surely, David’s sin of adultery and murderous coverup was also against Uriah. Surely, the brothers violence, greed, and deceit was also against Joseph.

          If I can be sinned against – and I can – then I need to forgive. My forgiveness does not take away God’s responsibility to dispense justice, but it does lay my own sense of injustice and thus my own justified sense of vengeance aside. The damage is in me; the healing must begin there too. In Joseph’s case, literally four generations of family deceit had resulted in an accumulation of toxic sludge. Before he could cleanse that in his family he had to purge it in himself first.

          In a sense, too, this is more suffering. If suffering is loss, then when I forgive I must lose my sense of injury, of injustice. I must release my right to demand an accounting from them, release it into the hands of God, the Judge of all.

          Did you ever consider why God left Joseph in such misery for two long decades? Slavery, then prison, then being forgotten in prison? Because God was peeling him like an onion. The Joseph that started that journey was arrogant, and then arrogantly angry. Over many a painful hour, God sloughed that off of Joseph’s heart. Before Joseph could handle exaltation in Egypt, let alone heal the deep wounds in his family God had to heal Joseph. That healing began as he fought and won the battles of forgiveness in his heart.

          It is clear from the Word of God that Joseph forgave his brethren long before they showed back up in his courtroom decades later. Yet though he had forgiven them, Joseph still required of them repentance, and justifiably so. When they arrive, he recognizes them instantly. He now has the legal power and ability to enact vengeance, but he has already laid that aside in his heart. So why does he not extend that forgiveness to them immediately? Because he was not sure they were repentant.

          This was not payback on Joseph’s part; it was testing. A vengeful person does not weep as we have seen Joseph weeps during this period. He keeps Simeon, and sends the rest back, insisting they return with Benjamin. He spoils Benjamin, testing whether they will be jealous of Benjamin as they were of Joseph two decades prior. He then forces a confrontation over Benjamin. In the process, he discovers his brothers are conscious of their sin, that they refuse to bite at the temptation of jealousy, and they are willing to take Benjamin’s place in suffering.

Joseph does not ask them if they are sorry; he tests them if they are sorry. Actions speak so much more loudly than words, especially actions under pressure. Joseph pushes his brethren to the wall, and they respond beautifully with sorrow and humility. (Genesis 44.14-16) This reminds me so much of how God deals with us. The result of this difficult process was reconciliation, initially when Joseph revealed himself (Genesis 49.1), and ultimately after Jacob’s death. (Genesis 50.15-19)

          What do we learn from all this? Someone has to break the cycle of generational sin in a family, and the stop the corresponding damage that flows from it. Doing so will cost something. If someone in my family hurts me, I should seek to remember some of their decisions may be grounded in generational sin. I can and should forgive family members who have hurt me, whether they ever repent or not, but reconciliation is dependent on their repentance. Forgiveness in our heart greatly eases our own suffering; repentance alone can ease theirs. But both of these – heart forgiveness and thorough repentance – are necessary to heal the deep wounds of generational sin.

          It is probable that nothing will cause you more heartache in this life than your family. If it continues through you to another generation the devil wins. Forgive. Look for repentance. Welcome reconciliation.

Suffer your family well.