Wife, Make Him Look Good

 

Marriage 19

 

          How do you boil a frog? Put him in a pan of water and slowly bring it up to temp. If you had dropped American Christians from 1924 into our society today, they would be horrified by a host of things we have long since begun to accept, including many of the tenets of feminism. The proof is how my title and essential point today will cause even good people to recoil immediately. Yet this is precisely part of God's plan for a wife in relation to her husband. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12.4)

          What does a crown do? Depending on the context in which it is worn, several things come to mind. Primarily, it sends the message that the wearer is a person of authority. Along the same lines, a crown causes an ordinary man or woman to look positively royal. In other words, a crown is a visible extension of the elevated position and authority of the one who wears it.

          A man looks like a better man when he has a capable, beautiful wife gazing up at him adoringly. And men, while they do not generally care how they physically look, care greatly about how they look to other people and what others think of them. I have often enough adjusted my own estimation of a man by the way his wife acts, for good or for ill. Occasionally, that mental adjustment on my part is rather drastic.

          Nor am I the only one who does so. Earlier today, I was reading William Taubman's Pulitzer Prize-winning biography of Mikhail Gorbachev. As a student at Moscow University, he was somewhat overlooked, being of poor peasant stock from a distant province. But when he won the hand of Raisa, in his words, he obtained instant prestige. How could he not? She was beautiful, cultured, intelligent, educated, and poised.

Here is a man I become acquainted with. I place his leadership ability and potential about the middle of the scale so to speak. Then I meet his wife. Suddenly, I realize I have enormously underestimated him. Consequently, I will act toward him differently going forward than I would have otherwise for the sole reason that his wife has made him look good. She is her husband's crown, revealing his otherwise unseen authority and high position.

          There are practical and philosophical ramifications to this, or perhaps I should say more noticeable and less noticeable applications of this. On the easily noticed negative side of the ledger, we see a wife who publicly interrupts her husband, disrespects his friends, dresses inappropriately, shares her disappointments and frustrations with him, nags him, compares him unfavorably to some other man, makes jokes at his expense, mocks him, or defies him, for example. Maketh ashamed, indeed. On the positive side, we see a wife who handles negative things in private, publicly speaks well of him, sees that he presents well in the sense of clothes and carriage, minds the children when he is otherwise occupied, encourages others to turn to him for advice or help, and affirms that she feels loved, satisfied, and content in her marriage. A crown, indeed.

          But I also think there is a deeper layer to this. Proverbs 31 famously shows us what is, in some real sense, the ideal wife. There we find the following: Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31.23) The implication here is that she has something to do with this. In other words, she does not just happen to be married to a publicly successful and accomplished husband. Rather, he is publicly successful and accomplished, at least in part because she married him.

          Many years ago, I heard a thought-provoking message entitled "Woman the Assembler." When she married her man, he had all or mostly all of the parts necessary to be a success, but it took a woman's deft touch and patient skill to assemble those into the man that everyone admired so much twenty years down the road.

          I feel this at the twenty-five-year mark in my marriage. My wife avoids/fulfills all or most of the surface illustrations I mentioned above. More importantly, living with her has changed me. It has grown me, molded me, shaping me into a better man. I am less sentimental and more sensible. I am more compassionate and less rattled. I am more groomed and less wild, and I am talking about the inside, not the outside. I am deeper, more wise, less angry, and less naïve than I was when I married her. And my ministry is more extensive. And the fact that this coincided with twenty-five years of living with her is not mere happenstance. She has (and is still) assembled me. If I am a king, she placed the crown on my head.

          The details of your marriage do not need to match my own, naturally, but your marriage arc should. God did not design the man and wife to share one address while building independent lives. He created the man to do a task and the woman to do all she could to help him do his task. And make him look good while he is doing it.

          If your husband is not a king, do not blame him. Look in the mirror. Repent. And go to work putting a crown on his head.     

         

 

           

Wife, Be Prudent

 

Marriage 18

 

          I believe marriage is a gift from God, both in the abstract and in the concrete. In other words, marriage is a gift to humanity, writ large, and to myself, personally. I view my wife in this way as God's gift to me. And that is the scriptural view. House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord. (Proverbs 19.14) If every good gift and every perfect gift cometh down from above, from the Father (James 1.17), my wife is undoubtedly chief among them. God saw my lack and sent me someone specifically designed to fill that lack.

          …but that is not actually my point with today's post. I draw your attention to the adjective in front of the word wife there. Prudent. This is what a God-given wife is supposed to be, amongst other things. And this character trait is tied explicitly to the fact that she is a gift directly from God.

          What is prudence? Loosely defined, it means to look forward, to see what is coming down the pike, and to adjust your current actions accordingly. Prudence thus implies two things. First, it implies a great deal of forward-looking. Prudence respects the past but faces forward. Prudence pays attention to the present but always keeps its gaze on the future. Having ascertained the future, second, prudence implies a great deal of thinking. If old age is coming, what does this mean for me? What does it mean for those I love? If I fail to adjust, what will result? If I succeed in adjusting, what does that look like in the present? Prudence is forward-facing contemplation.

          Let us now apply this to a wife's role in marriage. In what areas or in what ways does a wife exercise prudence?

          First, a wife should be prudent in her dealings with her husband. Scripture elsewhere tells a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge. (I Peter 3.7) Although it is not directly stated, the same is implied from the wife to the husband. A wife should ask the question, "If I do such and such, what will my husband do? How will he respond?" She should also know the answers to these questions. This is dwelling with him according to knowledge. She should then adjust her actions/non-actions accordingly. This is dwelling with him according to prudence.

          A prudent wife is almost never surprised by anything about her husband. In fact, it could be argued that a wife could and should be able to see things before her husband. And a husband who understands that listens most carefully to his wife. What has long been labeled womanly intuition is better labeled a prudent wife.

          Second, a wife should be prudent in her dealings with other men. Jealousy is a rage in a man (Proverbs 6.34). Such a fact does not make his jealousy acceptable in the eyes of God, but it does make it actual. This is my 25^th year of marriage. In all those years, I have never had one cause to be jealous. My wife has been conscious of her testimony, her integrity, and my heart. There are, of course, some women who have been taught to play with a man’s heart so as to arouse his jealousy. Foolish wives may do so; prudent wives know better.

          Third, a wife should be prudent in the handling of the children.

Each child gifted into our stewardship by the Lord is as unique as a snowflake. They are not built on assembly lines; they are created as individuals, first in the mind of God and then in the body of the mother. As such, they must be parented as individuals. Yes, certain things are true of boys, and other things are true of girls. Nevertheless, each child is its own person. A prudent mother knows her child better than any other human being ever will, perhaps. Applying that knowledge, she looks down the road to see what is coming and adjusts her mothering accordingly.

What a gift such a wife and such a mother is!

Fourth, a wife should be prudent in her handling of the household. Hopefully, my readers are familiar with the lady referenced in Proverbs 31 and will see the immediate connections. Scripturally, the Lord places upon the husband and father the responsibility of providing for the home. Just as scripturally, we see the wife and mother take the responsibility to ensure that what he provides she uses and spends and invests wisely. Ergo, she budgets, saves, and makes do. She plots how to subsidize the income. What she does not do is put even more pressure on her husband to produce a greater income. She is too prudent for that.  

It is ineffably sad when a wife fails in this area. She often hamstrings her husband’s ability to serve the Lord, and her children rarely rise up to call her blessed. (Proverbs 31.28)       

Fifth, a wife should be prudent in preparing for succeeding life stages. She looks forward and thinks about what she sees a great deal. Prior to marriage, she prepares herself for the honor and duties of marriage. Prior to motherhood, she prepares herself for the significant changes and opportunities it will bring. Prior to having children of school age, she plans for the schedule changes and life emphasis those years bring. Prior to having teenagers, she parents intentionally to prepare her children to succeed in those crucial years. Prior to being empty nesters, she trims the sails and adjusts the course of their marriage. Prior to retirement, she develops plans A, B, C, and D, all while trusting the Lord's word and work in their life. 

It is a peaceful June Sunday afternoon as I write this on my back porch. The sun is shining, the air is sweet with the fragrance of flowers, and the birds are cheerfully singing here at Saint’s Rest. My life is filled with the goodness of the Lord. But amongst all my earthly blessings, there is none other to be compared with my prudent wife. She is from the Lord, and I am deeply grateful to both of them for it.

Wife, You Have Influence

 

Marriage 17

 

          "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary."

          Who does not love It’s A Wonderful Life? Certainly, none of my readers would be so curmudgeonly. I am quite sure that each of you will sit down on Christmas Day in your slippers with your hot cocoa and watch it together as a family. This is the way. But I digress…

          When a man loves a woman, there is not much he will not do for her.

You can see this clearly and often in Scripture on the negative side. In the Garden of Eden, at the dawn of time, Eve was deceived by the devil, but Adam was not. (I Timothy 2.14) Adam disobeyed God knowingly and willfully. Why? The only argument that makes sense to me is that he did not want Eve to face the consequences alone. Moving forward a few millennia, we find a couple so godless, Ahab and Jezebel, that I have never met anyone with either name. Yet, who was the moving force behind their evil? But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the Lord, whom Jezebel his wife stirred up. (I Kings 21.25) Fast forward again to the time of Christ, and we see the beheading of a man Jesus said was equal to the greatest man ever to live, John the Baptist. (Matthew 11.11) What or who caused the death of this peerless prophet? A woman, Herodias. She urged her husband to imprison him. (Matthew 14.3) She pimped her own daughter out to her husband to motivate him to cut off John's head. (Matthew 14.8)

The point of the previous paragraph is not that women are evil. It is that women have an inherent ability to move a man in the direction they want him to go. Why did Jacob serve Laban for so long? Israel served for a wife, and for a wife he kept sheep. (Hosea 12.12) What motivated the Old Testament slave to willingly remain in slavery when he could have been set free? And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free. (Exodus 21.5) A man’s love for a good woman is at the heart of each of these scriptural illustrations as well.

There is an old saying, "Man is the head, but woman is the neck that turns the head."

"Sure, Pastor Brennan. Dream on. I've been trying to change my husband for nigh on twenty years now. It can't be done."

That is because you are trying to change him. Men resist being pushed around by a woman. Instinctively, when a woman overtly seeks to change them, the man sees it as a threat to his masculinity. Out of pure cussed orneriness, he will sometimes even move in the opposite direction. Solomon, who knew a thing or two about a woman's influence said, The contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. (Proverbs 19.13) Nagging him is not going to move him. It will only annoy him and build in him an increasing resistance to what you are trying to get him to do and be.

"Then explain it to me. You're telling me I have great influence over my husband with one breath and in the next breath telling me my man will grow more and more resistant."

The latter is true if he feels threatened, but the former is true if he feels love for you. When you as a wife concentrate on your primary responsibilities – to reverence and submit – your husband responds with his primary responsibility – love. God designed marriage this way. Each minister to the other and, in turn, produces what the other needs. Once that love is flowing from him to you, he will do just about anything for you. Not because you hassled him into it but because he wants to. Your influence is born out of his love. Up to and including lassoing the moon.

If you, as a wife, will dedicate yourself to your primary biblical responsibilities, you will hold his heart in the palm of your hand. For the love of all that is holy, do not waste that.

Use it wisely.         

Wife, View Your Marriage As a Ministry

 Marriage 16

 

          Several months ago, we began this series on marriage by exploring how God views marriage. We should get our view of marriage from Him as much as possible. Next, we turned our attention to the husband, and for two months, we looked at his responsibilities in marriage. Now, we will spend the next several weeks looking at the wife's obligations.

          I Corinthians 7 is one of the thorniest chapters in the entire Bible. This is both because it is somewhat complex in places and because the subject matter is not easily handled or often discussed. Having said that, there is much good material in it that pertains to marriage, including this verse: The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

          A careless reading assumes Paul is praising the single life and criticizing the married life. Such is not the case. As he develops in the context, there are advantages to being unmarried. You are more free to serve the Lord. You have more money, more available time, more mental focus, and can put more energy into serving the Lord than a husband or wife can, especially if they have children. Spouses have responsibilities toward one another, and parents have responsibilities toward children that can and often do limit their ability to serve the Lord freely. This is not wrong; it is how God designed it. There are downsides to being free of marital or parental duties, but surely one of the benefits is an increased ability to join in with the work of the Lord.

          Though that is Paul’s primary point in context, there is yet an application here for wives. She is supposed to take care to please her husband. I doubt any feminists read after me, but I care not if they do. God tells us in the Scripture record that a wife is to prioritize ministering to her husband above any other aspect of her life besides her relationship with the Lord. He is a more important ministry than your children, your parents,  your career, or your church. Once married, her husband is to be her primary duty and focus.

          We see this exemplified from the beginning. And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Genesis 2.18) The idea of the phrase help meet in the original language is that of one who is particularly suited for him. Think of a puzzle with a missing piece. You cannot throw just anything in there; it must be a piece that fits the absence precisely. In this sense, a man is essentially incomplete until he gets married. Assuming he chooses wisely, she completes him; she fits him.

          But why? So she can help him. God did not parachute a wife into my life so that I could walk into church with a trophy on my arm and impress everyone. I asked my wife once where she was all my life. She said, "Growing up." I searched meticulously for someone that would fit me and what I believed God wanted me to do with my life. While I was searching, God was painstakingly preparing her to suit my needs precisely as I serve Him. She fits me and then helps me as I seek to do God's will.

          I do not mean to imply here that a wife should not have a ministry beyond her husband, nor do I have much patience with those who would hide their carnality behind such sophistry. My wife is a soul winner, a counselor, a discipler, and a teacher at our church. She sings in the choir and plays a musical instrument in almost every service. She excels at coordinating events and extending hospitality. She leads a homeschool group. More importantly, she is an astonishingly good mother. Yet, in all this, she has not left the role of wife to second fiddle in the least. For twenty-four years, we have served the Lord together as man and wife. We are a team. She is the second half of me, the better half, as the term says. She is the best earthly gift God has ever given me.

          My sister, you have several God-given responsibilities in marriage. But amongst the rest, underneath them all, so to speak, is this one: your marriage is your most important ministry.   

An Opportunity or Two

 

   

      My wife, Mandy, and I made the decision to shift to homeschooling our children fifteen years ago. In that time, two of our children have finished high school. Though I have helped her in that she has borne the lion’s share of the responsibility. Along the way, we have used a variety of curriculums but the one Mandy finds the most versatile and well-rounded is BJU Press Homeschool. From her perspective, it is well-designed, academically solid, user friendly, and functions well with multiple children or grade levels. She also specifically cites in its favor the fact it uses the KJV and develops a biblical worldview in the student.

          Recently, Mandy made the decision to become a consultant for Homeworks by Precept, the organization that distributes BJU Press Homeschool. As she says in her bio, “I was helped more than ten years ago at a BJU Press Homeschool booth by a caring and knowledgeable consultant, and I hope to be that for you.”

          If you would like to reach out to her to discuss homeschooling in general and curriculum in particular, you can find her email and text contact information here: homeworksbyprecept.com/Mandy-Brennan

          On an unrelated note, one of the lesser known aspects of Brennan’s Pen is Brennan’s Pulpit. I do not stream our church services, but I do make each of my sermons available to anyone who is interested in them. This week, I am beginning a new Wednesday night series entitled, “Character is King.” Godly Christian character is disappearing rapidly in our generation, but it is an absolute essential if you are going to build a solid, successful, stable Christian life. Some of the related subjects we will consider is what character is, character and reputation, character and emotion, character and accountability, and how to build godly character. We will discuss what the Bible teaches about specific character traits such as compassion, loyalty, consistency, responsibility, stability, courage, perseverance, gratitude, excellence, patriotism, gentleness, diligence, cheerfulness, purity, toughness, duty, frugality, generosity, contentment, humility, respect, fairness, and the work ethic.

          If you are already a subscriber to Brennan’s Pulpit you do not need to do anything; you will receive these messages as you normally do. If you are not a subscriber but you would like to become one simply reply to this email or send me a direct message on social media and asked to be added and I will take care of it. There is no charge; expenses are underwritten by my Patreon supporters.

          The blog series on marriage resumes next Monday. See you then.