Wife, Be Sweet to Your Husband

 

Marriage 22

 

For three things the earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: For a servant when he reigneth; and a fool when he is filled with meat; For an odious woman when she is married; and an handmaid that is heir to her mistress. (Proverbs 30.21-23)

 

          The simplest definition of the word "odious" is hateful. When a hateful woman enters the bonds of matrimony, the whole world marvels, and not in a good way. How can he stand to be married to that? She is a grouchy, nagging, bitter, argumentative battle axe of a harpie, always yelling at him, always complaining about him, always criticizing him, always finding fault with whatever he does or does not do or say.

          By contrast, and a startling one at that, place a sweet, affectionate, admiring, agreeable gem of a woman on the other side, one always complimenting her husband, always thanking him, always talking good about him, always praising him.

          Which one do you want to be married to?

          Which one do you want to be?

          Many years ago, my doorbell rang on a weekday mid-afternoon. I was startled to see one of our ladies standing at my front door. With a scowl, she thrust a folded-up piece of paper out toward me and growled, "He left me." I reached for it, unfolded it, and read the scrawled note inside. You can guess what it contained. I did the best I could at that moment to help her and continued to do so in years to come as I had already done in years past. But, as God is my witness, my first conscious thought was, "What took him so long?"

          I am here reminded of Winston Churchill's famous rejoinder in a similar scene. Seated next to a particular vociferous opponent of a woman, she gave him the business all through dinner. Finally, as if to crown her marvelous takedown of the 20^th century's most important man, she said, "Mr. Prime Minister, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea." Without missing a beat, he demolished her by replying, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

          In a different millennium on a different continent, another wise man said, It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. (Proverbs 21.9) Ten verses later, he reiterated and thus strengthened the thought. It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. (Proverbs 21.19)

          My dear sister, all the world howls after your husband. If he is the kind of man he ought to be, he battles all day long. When he comes home, he should not have to face more battles. Indeed, if he does, do not be surprised if he begins to avoid coming home. In such situations, he may and often does stop coming home altogether. A foolish woman chases her husband away; a wise woman makes him want to come home. She builds a refuge there, a castle for her king, a home for his soul, a rest for his spirit.

          Be sweet to him. Be the woman he wants to be around the most. This is the way.  

Wife, Reverence Your Husband

 

Marriage 21 

 

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5.32-33)

 

          The picture here is so helpful. On the one hand, we have Christ’s sacrificial love and tender care for the church. On the other hand, we have the church’s complete obedience and deep honor directed toward Christ. It is the wife’s portion of this picture we want to examine today.

          The dictionary defines reverence as a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe. Synonyms include admiration, adoration, approbation, approval, awe, bow, deference, deification, devotion, esteem, fealty, fear, genuflection, high esteem, homage, honor, love, loyalty, obeisance, obsequiousness, praise, prostration, respect, veneration, and worship.

          Of the three specific commands in this chapter directed toward the wife – to love her husband, to submit to her husband, and to reverence her husband – this is the more difficult one, in my opinion. After all, mothers are familiar with the idea of unconditional love no matter what the child does or is, and every mother is a woman. Generally speaking, women are better instinctively at all sorts of emotional things, including love. Respect, on the other hand, is often viewed as something that must be earned. Unconditional respect is a bit of an oxymoron. 

          In other contexts, I agree that respect should be earned, but bringing that into marriage is problematic at best. Why? Because the closer you get in a relationship the harder it is to maintain respect. Put your face six inches from the mirror, and you will clearly see all the flaws that are veiled at a distance of six feet. In a marriage, there is humanity without mystique; there is frailty, weakness, hesitation, insecurity, and sin visible. There is no earthly relationship quite so revealing or unveiling of the inner person as a long marriage.

          Put another way round, the greater the distance between us, the easier it is to cultivate respect. But the closer the relationship, the more you discover my humanity and the harder it becomes to maintain a respect so deep as to be called reverence. Of course, you can try to remind yourself of the things about me you respect in the first place, but it will be a constant battle in the face of my unveiled humanity. This is why the concept of earned respect is often damaging in a marriage; a wife knows her husband's humanity too well.

          So respect him unconditionally.

          How can you possibly do that?

          The same way you submit to him – through him to God.

          We see an Old Testament example of this in the relationship established between Moses and Aaron. And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God. (Exodus 4.16) God instructed Aaron in this context to view his brother – a man about whom he surely knew more than one or two peccadilloes – as if his brother was God. Aaron failed at this, as indicated by his and Miriam's rebellion against Moses, but if Aaron had followed God's instructions, he would not have failed.

          Many years ago, I spent two summers traveling with an older evangelist named Joe Boyd. I was just a teenager; he was in his upper sixties at the time. He had taken young men training for ministry with him every summer for years. I can only imagine the nonsense he had to put up with over those years. From time to time, Dr. Boyd would attempt to prevent the outbreak of such nonsense by preemptively warning us. On one such occasion, he was describing an interaction he had with an unruly preacher boy. The boy flatly disagreed with an instruction given to him by Dr. Boyd and said, "The Holy Spirit is leading me not to." Dr. Boyd looked at him and said, "Son, I am your Holy Spirit."

          I do not know that I would have said that, but it was not as blasphemous as it sounds. There was a clear biblical line of authority from the parent through Dr. Boyd to that young man. Just as that young man did not have the right to look at his parents and tell them the Spirit was leading him to disobey them, he could not use that line on Dr. Boyd either. Joe Boyd was to him instead of God, so to speak.

          Turning yet again to the Old Testament, we find a bad example of this. 

 

II Sam 6.15  So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

16  And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

...

20 Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!

21  And David said unto Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel: therefore will I play before the LORD.

22  And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour.

23  Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

 

          Michal’s failure here is even more startling when placed against Sarah for contrast. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. (I Peter 3.6) Sarah and Michal both were aware of unpleasant facts about their husbands, yet Sarah managed to box that out and maintain her reverence toward Abraham, while Michal signally failed at doing the same thing with David.

          The position of husband merits deep respect and reverence, as the King James Version puts it. The man in the position is not the point. Just as the wife submits through her husband to the Lord, so she extends reverence in the same manner.

          I suspect if that last sentence were carried out it would revolutionize more than a few homes in our midst.

Wife, Submit to Your Husband

 Marriage 20

 

 

          A godly wife submits to her husband. This is an exceedingly unpopular view of a wife's role in today's society. Still, as we discussed earlier in this series, we are not to get our view of marriage from society. Instead, we ought to inculcate it from the Word of God. It is to the Scriptures that I turn today. In them, we find several references to a wife submitting to her husband. Let us briefly examine them to discover what we can learn.

          First, we see that a wife’s submission to her husband came about as a result of the Fall. Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule  over thee. (Genesis 3.16) Make no mistake, women are not alone cursed as a result of sin. Men are, too. A man's curse revolves around the necessity of work to fight off a perpetual, never-ending financial insecurity he is never free of this side of the grave. A woman's curse is two-fold, as we see in this passage. First, she experiences sorrow and lives with a life-long concern for her children. Second, she is now placed in a position of submission in her marriage. I argued earlier in this series that a wife has great influence, but that influence is balanced by authority, an authority carried by her husband alone.

          Second, we see that a wife does not merely submit to her husband; she submits through her husband to the Lord. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5.22) Consequently, you are not in submission to God, no matter how much you know and do spiritually than your husband, if you are not in submission to your husband.

          Whoever bears the authority bears the responsibility also. Truman famously had a plaque on his desk that said, "The buck stops here." Your husband, not you, bears the responsibility for your family's actions and direction before God. In other words, you are not responsible for him; you are responsible to him. Many a wife of my acquaintance feels it is her job to practically be her husband's mother, or failing that, at the least, his conscience. Such a view is a failure to understand where the responsibility lies.

          Put another way round, you are responsible to him, but more so through Him to God. Your task is to submit to your husband and thus follow his leadership. Your husband's task is to submit to God and thus follow His leadership. Ergo, your husband is thus held responsible by God for his family's spiritual direction and actions.

          Long ago, one wag said it this way: submission is the fine art of ducking so God hits your husband. Since the blow will not be landing on you, the authority and responsibility do not rest on you either. Thus, in submitting to your husband's rule, you fulfill your duties to God. How can He have a problem with you in the result?

          Let us say, for example, that your husband wants to leave your church, and you do not. You should express your opinion that you desire to stay openly with him, but pair that with an explanation that you will follow him no matter what he decides. Then do it. When you conduct yourself in such a matter, you are obeying the Lord's directive for your life. The responsibility before God for the good or bad result of the decision at hand thus rests with your husband, for you have fulfilled what God intended for you.

          Alternatively, let us say for the moment that you want to leave your church, but your husband does not. You express your opinion that you desire to leave openly and frankly to him. He disagrees. You nag, bother, berate, and insist until he gives in, even though he does think it is wise and does not want to. If and when it comes from God, the blow will land on both of you, him because he failed to lead and you because you failed to follow.

          In simplest terms, you are submitting to God when you submit to your husband.

          Third, a wife’s model in this is the way the church submits to Jesus Christ. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5.24) We see a thorough submission here, literally in everything. At the same time, this thorough submission is not without the expression of your own request or opinion. Does not the church pray? Is that not, by definition, conveying its requests to the Lord? Of course. But once the Lord makes His will plainly known, the only acceptable response on the part of the church is obedience.

          If you can find room in this passage to refuse your husband, nag him to death, and whine until you get what you want, I shudder to think what your concept of church is like. On the other hand, just as with a church, a warm, sweet, intimate, joyous relationship blossoms when the bride submits in faith and good cheer to the groom.

          Fourth, a wife is to submit to her own husband. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Colossians 3.18) There may well be other men who exercise some authority over you in other areas of life, i.e., your boss at work, your pastor at church, and the policeman in the community. But what they say should never override what your husband says, nor should you ever grant them the same entire submission you grant him. Follow a designated authority in that authority’s sphere? Yes. Grant them the same blanket pledge of submission in all things? No.

          Fifth, a wife’s submission is designed to be a powerful force in drawing the husband closer to the Lord. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they may also without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. (I Peter 3.1) When you seek to follow your husband as the church follows Christ, i.e., cheerfully, in faith, thoroughly, and immediately, one would assume that the lost husband's reaction would be one of pride, arrogance, control, and bluster. And some do react in such a manner. I propose to you that such men are simply indicating their own insecurity in their leadership in the home. On the other hand, when a husband truly knows and feels that his wife trusts him and God in her submission, the opposite effect is produced. He develops an expanded sense of responsibility for her and to God. This, in turn, drives him to make careful, scriptural, spiritual decisions for his family. A godly wife's submission to her ungodly husband is a powerful force pulling him toward Christ.

          Lastly, this scriptural model of marital submission makes the wife look beautiful. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands. (I Peter 3.5) This verse summarizes the entire teaching of submission. Holy, as in a wife cannot be holy if she is not submissive. Trusted in God, as in her submission is through her husband to God, trusting in God to take care of her and hold her husband accountable. Their own husbands, as in marital submission is not to every man. The result of this is visible to all and sundry. Adorn themselves, as in making themselves look good. Women spend countless hours of time, dollars of money, and bucketloads of worry and effort seeking to beautify themselves and gain attention. Some of these things, in a proper place, are even appropriate. Yet a woman who scripturally submits to her husband has adorned herself with beauty long before she lays a brush upon her cheek.

          Any woman, or man for that matter, reading this is certainly welcome to disagree with me. As I have written this, I am conscious that for all the care I have taken, I could have worded something better here or there. I do not want to be unbalanced or to influence marriages in an unbalanced manner. But having said that, I am absolutely sure I am not mistaken about the primary point in question. Submission is not about the man's native intelligence or, power or glory. It has nothing to do with that. It is all about obeying the Lord.

          Wife, obey the Lord; submit to your husband. This may not be society's way anymore, but it is the way, for it is God's way. And when you stand before God you will be grateful you have obeyed Him in this, as in all things.