Marriage 24
Love and hurt come together. Love is
created and nurtered in an atmosphere of trust, openness, and vulnerability but
these very things create the potential for emotional pain. When we love and are
misunderstood, we hurt. When we love and are disappointed, we hurt. When we
love and are rejected, we hurt. When we love and are ignored, we hurt. When we
love and are frustrated, we hurt. Etc.
There are good and bad ways to respond
to this hurt. One of the poorer responses, however, is all too common—they lash
out in attack.
What next? When we (unintentionally or
intentionally) hurt the one we love and they lash out in attack the question
then comes: What next? Often, our reflexes kick in and we automatically defend
ourselves. Alternatively, if we have a bit more self-control we respond with
silence. Sometimes, we attempt a hurried, conversation-stopping apology so as
to head off more verbal fireworks. Worse yet, we react to attack by an attack
of our own.
The Apostle Paul gives us a helpful screen
to strain all of our conversations, including marital. Let no corrupt
communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of
edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. (Ephesians 4.29) In
this context, I am forced to recognize that defending myself when I am attacked
does not minister grace. Attacking my attacker, in turn, certainly does not
minister grace either. There is wisdom in silence, and sometimes, simply taking
in our partner's anger is the most gracious thing we can do, but other times,
silence is not golden; it is just plain yellow. Nor is a
conversation-shortening apology going to minister grace either, for all it does
is wall off the problem without dealing with it.
Most of these are bad options most of the
time because none of them deal with the hurt back of the attack. To deal with
the hurt I must understand what caused it so that I may strive to avoid causing
it again. It then follows that I must know what they are thinking or feeling in
order to understand what caused the attack.
Solomon tells us this in relation to the
family dynamic in Proverbs 24.3, Through wisdom is an house builded;
and by understanding it is established. There must needs be a good
how and a good why in dealing with the verbal attacks that happen in every
marriage from time to time. Peter builds on this specifically in the context of
marriage. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge,
giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel. (I Peter 3.7) In a
fight, I need to know what we are fighting about (knowledge), how to respond
best in that fight (wisdom), and why I ought to respond that way
(understanding).
What ought to be my overall goal in these
types of conversations? To minister grace. To do that, I need three things:
knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. Practically speaking, when I defend
myself, attack them in turn, ignore them in sullen silence, or cut off the
conversation with a hurried apology, I gain none of these things. Responding so
unwisely adds little to my necessary base of knowledge and understanding and
thus prevents me from ministering grace.
Grasping this, what is my aim in a good
fight? When I am attacked, what philosophical thought process should guide my
response? Simply this: I want to know and understand my partner. Defending
myself is not a priority. Calming them down is often helpful but only sometimes
a priority. Defusing the situation so we return to the status quo is not the
priority either. I want to know what my partner feels and why they feel that
way. Only with this knowledge and understanding may I respond in wisdom to
minister grace.
The most crucial thing in a fight is to
understand each other.
Next week, we will talk about how to do
that.
Love this. Only thing I would add concerning ministering grace is the recognition that pride has no part in grace. Emptying of self is essential to grace which would challenge our motives and push out lascivious actions or lust. A constant push back in conversation may be an indication of someone who has to be right and is simply full of pride. It’s better to seek truth than to be deemed the victor of an argument.
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