Husband, Praise Your Wife

 

Marriage 12

 

          A wife should praise her husband exuberantly, excitedly, exquisitely, and extravagantly. Or at least that is what is often said, with some justification. (We will get to that after a while in this series.) What is not as usually said but bears saying is that a husband should praise his wife. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. (Proverbs 31.28)

When I reach back into the dim recesses of my memory, I can recall my mother emphasizing the first part of this verse to me. I did not understand why she did then; I understand it now and have consciously sought to do so. I have also heard the same from those preaching about or referencing the Proverbs 31 lady. But with rare exceptions, the latter portion of the verse has been notoriously neglected. Almost always, when praise or respect or reverencing comes up in the marriage discussion, the street we find ourselves on is one way à from the wife to the husband. My point is not a criticism of the call for a wife to reverence her husband; it is that this respect and commendation is not a one-way street.

A husband should praise his wife to his children.

It would be too much to say that a husband understands what a mother is and does, but it would not be too much to say a husband knows better than anybody what his children's mother is and does. He was there when each child was conceived, carried, and born, with all the attendant trouble to the mother. He was there when the child exhausted her in the infant stage. He was there when the child wearied her in the toddler stage. He has been there through the labour and sorrow of each successive stage of parenting as well. He knows the cost, for he has watched her pay it unselfishly hour by hour, week by week, month by month, and year by year.

Husband, tell your children how wonderful their mother is.

A husband should praise his wife to his friends.

The natural human condition is one of complaint. "Let me tell you about my lumbago, sonny." This tendency to complain is aggravated when we are amongst friends such that we can relax around them. Then it is our troubles pour out as we lean into the sympathetic ear. Sometimes, we even subconsciously seek to outdo the other complainers around us in an effort to gain more sympathy and admiration for what we endure. In the context of this blog post, it represents itself as the husband complaining to the boys while they are bowling of a Tuesday night.

"You think your old lady is bad? I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Wow. She's in rare form tonight, giving me grief for all kinds of stuff I didn't even do. And you would think, with as much time as she has sitting on her duff, that she could get dinner on the stove in time and clean up a bit around the place. Watch me now, fellas. This one'll be a strike for sure."

There are several ways to ensure the foolishness of the prior paragraph does not come to life, but one of the best is surely this: praise your wife to your friends. It turns the conversation onto a higher plane and prevents you from griping later when you have a mind to. Such praise can also motivate the husband listening to find reasons to do the same for his own wife.

Husband, praise your wife to your coworkers—especially the female ones. Indeed, the more attractive a coworker is, the more your conversations around her ought to reference the joy, happiness, and satisfaction you find in your marriage.

This praise does not have to be ugly. “My wife is gorgeous. You could take a lesson here, Bertha." Rather, the praise of a wife comes up naturally in a man's conversation when he discusses his life. His wife is a major part of his life, and his discussion should thus naturally be filled with references to her. Choose to make them positive references. All the other women in the place will get the point.

Above all, husband, praise your wife to her. Although word of your praise of her to others will get back to her, it will do her soul a world of good when you praise her in her presence. A good wife constantly gives of herself. The devil loves to tempt her with the lie that no one notices, no one cares. Encourage her heart by telling her you notice.

Did you ever hear the term self-fulfilling prophecy? It implies a statement regarding the future which impacts the future in the very way you state. It produces the conditions that create the fulfillment it predicted. A husband who complains about his wife to all and sundry will find his wife shrinks away from the selfless toil necessary to be a good wife. His very criticism produces the result he says he does not want.

Well, beloved, the reverse is also true. People become their praise. Tell her how valuable she is, and she will become yet more valuable. Remind her of her true worth to you and to others. Never let her forget it. Insulate her from discontent and the disease of feeling like a failure. It is not pride you will produce, but joy and contentment and a willingness to continue to give herself away.

All glory and praise belong to God, surely, but Scripture makes plain that some of it belongs to deserving people. Your wife is the most deserving of people. Praise her.

      

Husband, Trust Your Wife

 

Marriage 11

 

          Proverbs is an astounding book of the Bible. The staggering wealth of wisdom therein contained is indescribable. Amongst other gems, one chapter has become justifiably synonymous with an exemplary lady. We quietly point out such a one to our children and whisper, "There goes a Proverbs 31 woman." Yet, although that chapter does define what a good woman is, there are some overlooked instructions for the husband here as well. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (Proverbs 31.10-11)

          I accept that this is set before us primarily as an instruction for women, but the corollary we draw here today is likewise true: husband, trust your wife.

          The most foundational necessity in fulfilling this instruction is choosing the right kind of woman to be your wife. Many a man has a heart filled with doubts about his wife, and those doubts are well placed. She is not a good woman. She does not love the Lord. Her character and his experience make the trust issues between them deep and wide. But although that is true, it is almost certainly not true for most people who read this blog. Put another way round, in my pastoral experience, the lack of trust on the part of husbands for wives is not because of the wives' doubtful character; it is because the husbands have failed to cultivate that trust.

          Let me make three practical connections for you in this area.

          First, the husband should trust his wife in her interactions with others.

          I have known some overbearing, paranoid, ever-suspicious husbands in my lifetime. They remind me of nothing less than the typical Muslim husband who keeps his wife locked away from public life and allows her out only under tightly controlled and supervised circumstances. I have known some husbands who demand to know where she is at every moment of the day, demand to know who she talks to on the phone, and trawl through her personal emails and internet history routinely. Such men do not want their wives to have friends, preferring they remain home whenever possible. They get especially upset when she talks too much to any other man.

          Good parenting, at some level, always involves being suspicious about what your children are up to. Your wife is not your child. Do not treat her as one. If you do, she will not react well to it over the long term. If she has any sense of spirit, she will fight you, will resist the soul-crushing box into which you are putting her. If she does not have spirit, she will almost inevitably develop severe emotional or mental problems as a result of such treatment. Either way, a wedge will be driven into your marriage just where a weld ought to be.

          Second, the husband should trust his wife’s judgment.

          This is a bigger problem than the last one. I know a number of men who seem to think a weaker vessel means dumb or unspiritual. Such men combine this sketchy biblical interpretation with their natural arrogance, and consequently, they rarely, if ever, ask their wives what they think about anything. Let me address such men directly. If you believe your wife is dumb, what does that say about her choice of you? If you think your wife is unspiritual, what does that say about your leadership?

          My brother, ask your wife about everything. I do not mean in an investigative sense; I mean in a counsel sense. She is on your side. Her womanly perspective is highly valuable, and her intuition is often priceless.

I used to tell my son, “You don’t have to make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” In similar terms, you do not have to exhibit your leadership by refusing to ask your wife’s opinion. That does not demonstrate the authority you think it does; it reveals the insecurity you vainly struggle to hide. I am not asking you to cede your responsibility as a husband. I am not asking you to ask her to make your hard decisions. I am asking you to trust her judgment.

          Lastly, the husband should trust his wife with his heart.

          Every bit of my life experience, combined with every book on marriage I have ever read, has convinced me of two things. First, men are scared to reveal what is really in their hearts. They are afraid they will be laughed at and that their dreams will be mocked. Or worse, that their wife will be apathetic when this long-cherished, carefully-designed step into the future is laid before them. Second, women desperately want their men to do so. They deeply desire the soul intimacy that comes when a man trusts his heart in their hands.

          My brother, tell her. Take her aside to some quiet place, summon your courage, take her hand, look into her eyes, and tell her your dreams. You married her in order to merge your lives together. How can you ever accomplish that if you keep the most essential part of your heart to yourself because you are scared to show it to her? If she is the kind of woman I suspect her to be she will respect you more for it, not less. She will feel closer to you because of it. Trust her with your heart, and she will richly repay your love's vulnerability.

          Do husbands trust their wives because they are virtuous women, or are women virtuous because their husbands trust them? Perhaps the best answer to that question is yes. Either way, know this: a woman will not flourish under the care of a suspicious, arrogant, emotionally closed-off partner.

          Husband, trust your wife.                   

Husband, Love Your Wife

 

Marriage 10

 

          Husband, love your wife.

          "Well, duh. Whaddya think I got married for?"

          Agreed. Hopefully, you chose to get married for this good reason. But there are some layers here that may not perhaps be seen at first glance. Let us look a little more closely, shall we?

          The first reference we find in Scripture to a husband loving his wife is in relation to Isaac and Rebekah. And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her. (Genesis 24.67) By all accounts, Isaac and Rebekah lived out this same principle over the intervening decades and are a worthy example for us. In complete contrast, Solomon, a failure as a husband if ever there was one, tells us as an older man, Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity. (Ecclesiastes 9.9)

Regardless of the human source of the advice, it is excellent advice. Husband, love your wife.

          This love is not simply an emotional high produced by pheromones. As we can see from the two passages above, it is supposed to last for a lifetime. By implication then, it must be able to weather a lifetimes worth of storms.

One potential problem area here is bitterness. Occasionally, a man will begin to look at what he had to give up to get married – his toys, his vaunted freedom, his nights out with the boys, perhaps a career opportunity or two – and the black mold of bitterness will begin to grow in the secret, dark places of his heart.

Another route to the same sin may be an obsession with things she said or did years ago that hurt you. Nothing is so large and yet so fragile as a man's ego. Perhaps she laughed at you or compared you unfavorably in some way to another man. In a trying season, she was unfaithful, and despite what you told her, you have not forgiven her from the heart.

Heed Paul’s counsel here: Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Colossians 3.19)

The extent of a husband’s love is revealed in the earthly example of how men love their own selves. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it. (Ephesians 5.28-29) We baby ourselves. The budget may be stretched to the breaking point, but if there is something we want, we find a way to afford it. We pamper ourselves; we eat our favorite foods in our favorite chair while watching our favorite team and expect everyone else in the family to orbit around our choices.

What would our marriages be like if we shifted that from ourselves to our wives? For the Word is clear here; this ought to be done.

The question naturally follows: how? How can a man love his wife so well?

The answer, I think, as in so many things spiritual, is to look to Christ. How does Christ love the church? For there is a direct relation between my marriage and Christ’s example. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5.25) Jesus loved/s the church by giving, a character trait demonstrated equally well by His Father. (John 3.16)

How was Christ's love demonstrated to the church? He gave up His eternal position and spotless reputation to come to Earth. He gave His time in patiently teaching and building the earthly foundation of the church, the Apostles. On the cross, He took all the blame upon Himself, endured the pain, and shed His blood to purchase the church. Down to the present day, He lavishes gifts on the church, pastors and teachers. He allows the church to represent Him on Earth while He is away. He keeps the espousal intact regardless of how unattractive we become at times. He will someday marry us forever.

Put another way round, what we see in Christ is constant sacrifice, a never-ending giving. Love is sacrifice, and men are capable of great sacrifice when driven by love. The flags that flutter from the graves of fallen heroes each Memorial Day stand in silent witness to the fact.

“Well, it’s all good then. I have given up lots of stuff for her.”

Good. But your perspective is not the answer to the question; her perspective is.

There are several candidates for the title of best chapter in the Bible about love, but one of them is undoubtedly I John 4. There, amongst other gems, we find this truth about love: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (I John 4.18) The only One Who loves perfectly is God. How perfect is He at doing so? I have no doubt that He loves me; I have zero fear in that regard.

As I write this, it is Sunday afternoon. The weather is balmy for an Iowa Spring. I am sitting on my screened-in porch, enjoying the sunshine and the singing of the birds. But I do not feel like God loves me due to the sunshine and the birds. I am convinced God loves me because of a lifetime of lovingkindness, of grace and mercy poured out during the bleakest of times, of tender provisions of strength and faith in the harsh winters of life. Consequently, I am utterly convinced He loves me. That is how good God is at loving.

This, my brother, is what you and I are supposed to provide for our wives, this absence of any fear in relation to our affections. It is often said that wives crave security. I may speak to that in a later post. But right here, we find the scriptural command to meet the depths of such a soul's need. Putting these passages together, we are called to love our wives so well they have no fear at all that we love someone or something more or that we may do so at some point.

Husband, love your wife. Like you love yourself. Sacrifice happily for her, as our Saviour did for us. And love her so well her insecurities vanish as the dew dries in the warmth of June morning.

Then do it again tomorrow.  

Husband, Bring Your Wife Rest

 

Marriage 9

 

          Naomi makes an interesting statement about marriage in Ruth 1. I am not talking about Ruth's statement to her, which is often used in marriage ceremonies. I am talking about a previous part of Naomi's conversation with her two widowed daughters-in-law, during which she implored them to stay in Moab. And Naomi said unto her two daughters in law, Go, return each to her mother’s house: the Lord deal kindly with you, as ye have dealt with the dead, and with me. The Lord grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Then she kissed them; and they lifted up their voice, and wept. (Ruth 1.8-9) Ruth would, in the house of Boaz. Here, we see an underrated aspect of a husband's duties in marriage: he is to give his wife rest.

          “Fat chance, Pastor Brennan. I’ve got approximately twelve children, give or take, seventy-five loads of laundry a week, twenty-one meals a week times fourteen, and the errands and the budget to worry about. And then he expects me to homeschool on top of all that. Rest? What are you smoking?”

          I get your point, and perhaps should write something to that. But this is not that blog post or that point. I am not talking primarily about physical rest because I do not think Naomi was talking mainly about physical rest. Women who kept the home in that era did so without running water and electricity; there was precious little physical rest in that environment.

          What am I talking about then?

          Peter tells us under the inspiration of the Spirit that the wife is the weaker vessel. (I Peter 3.7) This is not her fault, as if she somehow failed to maintain her strength. God has designed her with different tolerances for different purposes than He designed the husband. In this context, it means the typical wife is not prepared to carry the load that her husband is ready to take. Not physically, primarily here, but emotionally, in the sense of stress and pressure.

Think of a pie chart for a moment. God made men with an inherent ability to compartmentalize. They can move from task to task, and as they lay down the tools for one task and pick up the tools for the next, they can usually do the same with the stresses involved. On the other hand, think of a basket in which everything has been piled together, not necessarily haphazardly, but still all in one container. This is generally how women carry things, not physically but mentally and emotionally. Whatever they have, they are carrying all of it all the time.

It is precisely here that God designed the husband to enter; her man should help her carry that basket or, better yet, prevent things from getting piled into it in the first place.

What brings stress and pressure to the wife? Every woman is an individual, and her answers to this question will reflect that, but perhaps some of these… A lack of money. Disrespectful and disobedient sons. An exceedingly busy period in her schedule. Health situations. Her own or yours. Or both. Concern for the future. And each of these could be and often is further spun out into its own plots and subplots.

In my opinion, this is why Moses gave specific instructions in Numbers 30 that a husband or father can release his wife or daughter from a vow. He knows her capacity and what she can carry without being overwhelmed. In his judgment, her vow will necessarily produce an overloaded basket. Ergo, he has the authority to cancel her promise. The purpose here is not to abrogate her personhood in the least; rather, the intent is to give her rest.

Feminism is an awful thing in the lies it tells, and the relationship structures it produces. It is precisely here we find one of them. Feminism says that not only can a woman do all that a man can do, furthermore a woman should do all that a man does. Balderdash. In front of my window is a bright red Iowa cardinal. God designed and created it for different purposes than He designed and created me. If it tried to do my work or I tried to do its work, the result would be frustration, disappointment, grief, and failure. Which is precisely what feminism delivers.

          My dear sister, it is not that you are a lesser form of humanity, less critical, less valued, less loved, or less necessary. Balderdash to that, too, I say. It is that God designed you and your husband differently. My dear brother, it is not that you are a higher form of humanity, more important, more valued, more loved, or more necessary. No, it is that God designed you and your wife differently.

Husband, is your marriage patterned after God's design? Are you taking the stress and pressure off of your wife, placing it upon yourself, and so bringing her rest? This is the model of a marriage based on ministry. Or are you piling item after item into her basket and then standing around perplexed and frustrated when she seems to break down in carrying it all?

Seek to discover what is weighing on her mind and heart. Then lift it. This is your task.