Husband, Trust Your Wife

 

Marriage 11

 

          Proverbs is an astounding book of the Bible. The staggering wealth of wisdom therein contained is indescribable. Amongst other gems, one chapter has become justifiably synonymous with an exemplary lady. We quietly point out such a one to our children and whisper, "There goes a Proverbs 31 woman." Yet, although that chapter does define what a good woman is, there are some overlooked instructions for the husband here as well. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (Proverbs 31.10-11)

          I accept that this is set before us primarily as an instruction for women, but the corollary we draw here today is likewise true: husband, trust your wife.

          The most foundational necessity in fulfilling this instruction is choosing the right kind of woman to be your wife. Many a man has a heart filled with doubts about his wife, and those doubts are well placed. She is not a good woman. She does not love the Lord. Her character and his experience make the trust issues between them deep and wide. But although that is true, it is almost certainly not true for most people who read this blog. Put another way round, in my pastoral experience, the lack of trust on the part of husbands for wives is not because of the wives' doubtful character; it is because the husbands have failed to cultivate that trust.

          Let me make three practical connections for you in this area.

          First, the husband should trust his wife in her interactions with others.

          I have known some overbearing, paranoid, ever-suspicious husbands in my lifetime. They remind me of nothing less than the typical Muslim husband who keeps his wife locked away from public life and allows her out only under tightly controlled and supervised circumstances. I have known some husbands who demand to know where she is at every moment of the day, demand to know who she talks to on the phone, and trawl through her personal emails and internet history routinely. Such men do not want their wives to have friends, preferring they remain home whenever possible. They get especially upset when she talks too much to any other man.

          Good parenting, at some level, always involves being suspicious about what your children are up to. Your wife is not your child. Do not treat her as one. If you do, she will not react well to it over the long term. If she has any sense of spirit, she will fight you, will resist the soul-crushing box into which you are putting her. If she does not have spirit, she will almost inevitably develop severe emotional or mental problems as a result of such treatment. Either way, a wedge will be driven into your marriage just where a weld ought to be.

          Second, the husband should trust his wife’s judgment.

          This is a bigger problem than the last one. I know a number of men who seem to think a weaker vessel means dumb or unspiritual. Such men combine this sketchy biblical interpretation with their natural arrogance, and consequently, they rarely, if ever, ask their wives what they think about anything. Let me address such men directly. If you believe your wife is dumb, what does that say about her choice of you? If you think your wife is unspiritual, what does that say about your leadership?

          My brother, ask your wife about everything. I do not mean in an investigative sense; I mean in a counsel sense. She is on your side. Her womanly perspective is highly valuable, and her intuition is often priceless.

I used to tell my son, “You don’t have to make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” In similar terms, you do not have to exhibit your leadership by refusing to ask your wife’s opinion. That does not demonstrate the authority you think it does; it reveals the insecurity you vainly struggle to hide. I am not asking you to cede your responsibility as a husband. I am not asking you to ask her to make your hard decisions. I am asking you to trust her judgment.

          Lastly, the husband should trust his wife with his heart.

          Every bit of my life experience, combined with every book on marriage I have ever read, has convinced me of two things. First, men are scared to reveal what is really in their hearts. They are afraid they will be laughed at and that their dreams will be mocked. Or worse, that their wife will be apathetic when this long-cherished, carefully-designed step into the future is laid before them. Second, women desperately want their men to do so. They deeply desire the soul intimacy that comes when a man trusts his heart in their hands.

          My brother, tell her. Take her aside to some quiet place, summon your courage, take her hand, look into her eyes, and tell her your dreams. You married her in order to merge your lives together. How can you ever accomplish that if you keep the most essential part of your heart to yourself because you are scared to show it to her? If she is the kind of woman I suspect her to be she will respect you more for it, not less. She will feel closer to you because of it. Trust her with your heart, and she will richly repay your love's vulnerability.

          Do husbands trust their wives because they are virtuous women, or are women virtuous because their husbands trust them? Perhaps the best answer to that question is yes. Either way, know this: a woman will not flourish under the care of a suspicious, arrogant, emotionally closed-off partner.

          Husband, trust your wife.