Marriage 11
Proverbs is an astounding book
of the Bible. The staggering wealth of wisdom therein contained is
indescribable. Amongst other gems, one chapter has become justifiably
synonymous with an exemplary lady. We quietly point out such a one to our
children and whisper, "There goes a Proverbs 31 woman." Yet, although
that chapter does define what a good woman is, there are some overlooked
instructions for the husband here as well. Who can find a virtuous woman?
for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely
trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (Proverbs 31.10-11)
I accept that this is set before us
primarily as an instruction for women, but the corollary we draw here today is
likewise true: husband, trust your wife.
The most foundational necessity in
fulfilling this instruction is choosing the right kind of woman to be your
wife. Many a man has a heart filled with doubts about his wife, and those
doubts are well placed. She is not a good woman. She does not love the Lord.
Her character and his experience make the trust issues between them deep and
wide. But although that is true, it is almost certainly not true for most
people who read this blog. Put another way round, in my pastoral experience,
the lack of trust on the part of husbands for wives is not because of the
wives' doubtful character; it is because the husbands have failed to cultivate
that trust.
Let me make three practical
connections for you in this area.
First, the husband should trust his
wife in her interactions with others.
I have known some overbearing,
paranoid, ever-suspicious husbands in my lifetime. They remind me of nothing
less than the typical Muslim husband who keeps his wife locked away from public
life and allows her out only under tightly controlled and supervised
circumstances. I have known some husbands who demand to know where she is at
every moment of the day, demand to know who she talks to on the phone, and
trawl through her personal emails and internet history routinely. Such men do
not want their wives to have friends, preferring they remain home whenever
possible. They get especially upset when she talks too much to any other man.
Good parenting, at some level, always
involves being suspicious about what your children are up to. Your wife is not
your child. Do not treat her as one. If you do, she will not react well to it
over the long term. If she has any sense of spirit, she will fight you, will
resist the soul-crushing box into which you are putting her. If she does not
have spirit, she will almost inevitably develop severe emotional or mental
problems as a result of such treatment. Either way, a wedge will be driven into
your marriage just where a weld ought to be.
Second, the husband should trust his
wife’s judgment.
This is a bigger problem than the last
one. I know a number of men who seem to think a weaker vessel means dumb
or unspiritual. Such men combine this sketchy biblical interpretation with
their natural arrogance, and consequently, they rarely, if ever, ask their
wives what they think about anything. Let me address such men directly. If you
believe your wife is dumb, what does that say about her choice of you? If you
think your wife is unspiritual, what does that say about your leadership?
My brother, ask your wife about
everything. I do not mean in an investigative sense; I mean in a counsel sense.
She is on your side. Her womanly perspective is highly valuable, and her
intuition is often priceless.
I used to tell my son, “You don’t have to
make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” In similar terms, you do
not have to exhibit your leadership by refusing to ask your wife’s opinion.
That does not demonstrate the authority you think it does; it reveals the
insecurity you vainly struggle to hide. I am not asking you to cede your
responsibility as a husband. I am not asking you to ask her to make your hard
decisions. I am asking you to trust her judgment.
Lastly, the husband should trust his
wife with his heart.
Every bit of my life experience,
combined with every book on marriage I have ever read, has convinced me of two
things. First, men are scared to reveal what is really in their hearts. They
are afraid they will be laughed at and that their dreams will be mocked. Or
worse, that their wife will be apathetic when this long-cherished,
carefully-designed step into the future is laid before them. Second, women
desperately want their men to do so. They deeply desire the soul intimacy that
comes when a man trusts his heart in their hands.
My brother, tell her. Take her aside
to some quiet place, summon your courage, take her hand, look into her eyes,
and tell her your dreams. You married her in order to merge your lives
together. How can you ever accomplish that if you keep the most essential part
of your heart to yourself because you are scared to show it to her? If she is
the kind of woman I suspect her to be she will respect you more for it, not
less. She will feel closer to you because of it. Trust her with your heart, and
she will richly repay your love's vulnerability.
Do husbands trust their wives because
they are virtuous women, or are women virtuous because their husbands trust
them? Perhaps the best answer to that question is yes. Either way, know this: a
woman will not flourish under the care of a suspicious, arrogant, emotionally
closed-off partner.
Husband, trust your wife.
Excellent insight
ReplyDeleteTremendous wisdom, Brother!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the insight, instruction and application.
Excellent. Just excellent!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this wonderful and insightful article. I need to hear this
ReplyDeleteReminds me of a message I preached regarding being a trustworthy wife from this verse in Proverbs
ReplyDelete