Husband, Lead Your Wife

 

Marriage 15

 

          If I had to choose the single most significant mistake husbands make in their marriage, it might be last week's post about prayer. But if it is not that one, then it is this one. I grow weary thinking of the catalog of men I have known who have failed in this area. Cowardice? Often. Fear? Maybe. Misguided ideas that equate leadership with dictatorship and thus avoid it? Perhaps. Acceptance of 21^st-century worldly philosophies of feminism? Possibly. Laziness? In some, I suppose. But for whatever "reason," entirely too many of God's people have built the kind of marriage where the husband does not lead. And that is well nigh a tragedy.

          How do I know a husband is supposed to lead his wife? Paul used that term in reference to a husband’s work in marriage in I Corinthians 9.5. Additionally, the plainly emphasized call for a wife to submit herself to her husband in Ephesians 5 strongly implies as much. The illustration here, of Christ's relationship to the church being the model of the husband/wife in marriage, practically demands the husband lead. Yes, I am aware of how unpopular such notions are nowadays. But I assume my readers already reject the notion of trying to square scriptural doctrine with the circles of the world's opinion. Suffice it to say that the biblical marriage designed by God contains a wife who follows a husband who leads.

          Having established that, or at least expostulated the idea, it begs the question: what is leadership then? Some years ago, I did a rather developed study of the subject. I offer three definitions, all of which apply to the husband leading his wife.

          First, leadership is serving. Jesus made that crystal clear in the Gospels: Whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant. (Mark 20.27) This is the most critical thing to understand about leadership. It is not getting those beneath you to do what you want; it is ministering to them so carefully and so well that they instinctively hand you influence over their lives.

Which is the second definition of leadership: influence. Have you ever heard that readers are leaders? That is because the more you read, the more you know, the more you know, the more people will turn to you for direction, and the more people turn to you for direction, the more they will move in line with your counsel. That is influence. In fact, that is precisely why I write: to influence or move people toward a particular belief or behavior.

The third definition of leadership is the one they gave me in school, and it is pretty good. Leadership is the ability to create in others the desire to follow you. Leadership is thus not dictatorship. It is not demanding as much as it is motivating. A good leader provokes within you a desire to go where he is going. He strikes the chords of sympathy and respect deftly, and the resulting music moves you. If you have experienced the blessing of serving under a good leader at some point, you understand me here.  

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should serve her, prioritizing her needs and figuring out how to meet them. The result will be a wife who trusts her husband and has her best interests at heart. She will follow him because he is good at helping her with what she needs.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should influence her. He should consciously seek to shape her thinking, her beliefs, her priorities, and her actions. Rather than mandating them, he should figure out how to move her to the positions and choices he deems wise. Without squelching her person or stifling her individuality. Without treating her as a child. With patience, tact, wisdom, prayer, service, and love.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should create in her the desire to go where he wants their marriage to go. I do not mean that he should manipulate her into thinking the precise way he thinks. That would be foolish and useless. I mean that a wise husband seeks to cultivate his wife’s desire to be one flesh. He builds on their union and brings them together to face the same direction as they move forward in life. Because she wants to. How, you ask? Well, he created within her the desire to marry him, did he not? Copy that. Do it again.

Allow me two other brief thoughts here in conclusion. First, the husband leads by example. He does not recline in the easy chair and tell her to work harder. The scriptural illustration is Christ and the church. One of the remarkable things about Jesus is that He never asks us to do what He Himself has not done first, never asks us to go where He Himself has not gone, never calls on us to be what He Himself has not first been. The same is true of the husband in relation to his wife.

Second, a husband's leadership must include initiative. There is wisdom in knowing the right time to move. Patience is sometimes required as things develop. But for the love of all that is holy, make a decision. Move in a direction. Do not sit there, content to watch the slow-motion deterioration of your family, and then come to my office and tell me there was nothing you could do. There absolutely is. Lead. Be out front. Be going somewhere. Bring them along with you.

Now then, I commend you, men, for your patience. I have spoken to you first as is appropriate for your leadership position. Beginning next week, I will turn my attention to the other side of the marriage. What should a wife be and do in a marriage? We will tackle that next. Stay tuned.