Marriage 30
We spent quite a few weeks earlier in
this series looking at each partner’s scriptural responsibilities in marriage.
I do not remember anything in which one partner was to parent the other.
Certainly, the husband is to lead his family spiritually, including his wife,
but that does not mean he is supposed to punish her.
In the mid-16th century,
Richard Taverner issued a new English Bible. It contained minor revisions of an
earlier one, the Matthews Bible. It is mostly remembered for an oddity, a note
in the margin alongside I Peter 3.7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them
according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel,
and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not
hindered. Taverner’s marginal note took this verse in a rather unusual
direction. “And if she be not obedient and helpful unto him, endeavoreth to
beat the fear of God into her head, that thereby she may be compelled to learn
her duty and to do it.” For this reason, Taverner’s edition of the Matthews
Bible is known in history as the wife beater’s bible.
Although few married couples conduct
themselves in such a manner, thankfully, what they do instead is only
marginally different in effect. When they do not like what the other person is
doing, they hold something back to get even with them or teach them a lesson.
The (dys) functional idea is, "Well if I don't do ____________, then he
(or she) will realize how it feels when they don't do _____________."
Punishment, in plain language.
At this point, I would like to pose a
most pertinent question. Is this the scripturally mandated manner in which we
are supposed to respond to personal trespass? Then came Peter to him, and
said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till
seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but,
Until seventy times seven. (Matthew 18.21-22) To which Paul expands
beautifully in I Corinthians 13. Charity suffereth long, and is kind;
charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not
behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh
no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all
things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. You
can strain that with a cheesecloth, and you will not find any punishment.
I beg you to listen to this next
sentence. It is not your job to fix your partner. Husband, it is your job to
love and to lead and to provide for her. Wife, it is your job to respect and to
follow him. Both of you, it is your job to minister the one to the other. But
it is not your job to fix them. There is nothing in the Bible that would say
such at all.
In addition, not only is it unbiblical
to punish your partner in an effort to change their behavior, but it is not
even practical. How often do sanctions via the United Nations work on a rogue
country? Zilch. More often than not, what develops is an antagonistic
relationship ala the US/Iran/North Korea, rather than an adjustment of their
actions to conform to our desires. Punishing your partner will not make your
marriage heavenly; it will produce another Cold War.
Emerson Eggerichs says it this way in
his book, Love and Respect. “The rule that never changes is: you can’t
get what you need by depriving your partner of what your partner needs.”
You think you can. But it is a
myth.
Brother Tom, this series is both brilliant and a blessing. Thank you for putting into simple, biblical language, in a meek and loving manner, what needs to be said. I also appreciate this format, in that each truth is presented in a bite-sized portion with time in between to savor, personalize, and allow the Holy Spirit to minister to our hearts.
ReplyDeleteI’ve found this series on marriage helpful. I appreciate your work. However, the last analogy is certainly faulty, and I’d suggest you rethink and rewrite it. Navigating a life partnership in marriage in no way is similar to dealing with rogue or likely enemy nations. Punishment, deterrence, and consequences have a just and rightful place in those situations; whereas in marriage they do not.
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