63 Things I Taught My Children About Dating, Part Four of Five

 

Dating 4

Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating. I have repeatedly been asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>

 

 

38) As you get older, always be looking but never be frantic.

          It is certainly not wrong to desire a partner for life. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” (Proverbs 18.22) That desire you have is a God-given one. Marriage was instituted by God, and blessed by Christ. It then logically and spiritually follows that finding involved looking. 

I believe that God provides our needs most often when we are working on providing them ourselves. While it would be foolish, by definition, to look in unwise places or in an unwise manner, it is not foolish to look; it is biblical. At the same time, what you must never do is panic, thinking that if this particular one doesn’t work you are doomed to a life of solitude and despair. Martyn Lloyd-Jones defined faith as a refusal to panic. I love that definition. Panicked people make bad decisions. Don’t panic.

 

39) Marry in haste; repent at leisure.

          The shorter and faster your dating process is the more risk in inherent in it. As you get older, that risk diminishes, for you know yourself and you know how to read people better. But dating as a younger person must include sufficient time for careful investigation and deliberation, as well as preparation to get marriage off on the right foot.

          If you ignore the above paragraph you will have nothing but time in which to wish you had not.

 

40) The older you get the less time you need in each stage of the dating progression.

          As mentioned above, this is because you know yourself and you know human nature better. You are more secure in who you are. Depending on your age, you also have less time in which to live together as man and wife. More of your important life decisions are behind you and thus your marriage is less influential in the entire arc of your life. There is no need in this scenario to be quite as deliberate and cautious.

 

41) Emma, a good man will lead you in dating, and in each date. Jack, a good woman will follow you in dating, and in each date.

          Scripture commands and models a home led by the husband. While you are dating those roles are not quite the same. A girlfriend is not bound to obey her boyfriend, for example, and should not actually. But the tendencies should be present, the understanding and desire to assume biblical roles should be there from the beginning. 

          This is why the old-fashioned idea of a man asking a woman out rather than vice versa is sound. This is why the man should plan, arrange, and pay for most of the dates. Etc. If what you discover is a feminist under that sweet smile your marriage will crash and break up on the shoals of conflict. Alternatively, as a husband, you can abandon building a scriptural marriage and build a worldly one instead. In which case your entire family will crash and burn on the shoals of worldliness.

          Their foundational belief about marriage roles matters an enormous amount. And while dating roles are not nearly the same there should be evidence of that underlying foundational biblical belief.

 

42) Keep track of your dates so you can vary them.

          Boredom is almost always a lack of mental discipline, either by the one in charge of planning events or the ones enduring, er, enjoying them. Foolish leadership crams the schedule down the throat of the follower while hollering about character. Wise leadership constantly cultivates creativity.

 

43) Within limits of behaviour and people, flirt.

          A marriage without flirtation is a marriage in trouble. Assuming the flirtation in that sentence is between the husband and wife. In the old King James term, Isaac was seen sporting with Rebekah. In the original language, that literally means to flirt. There is a way of speaking, acting, and conversing between lovers that is different than any relationship they have with anyone else. So learn how to do it.

          Within limits. Don’t cross the lines into disobedience of your own or others’ rules, let alone sin. Don’t flirt with people casually or carelessly any more than you would date someone carelessly or casually. But learn to speak and act the fun language of love. It is a good thing.

 

44) At the end of your date, the other person should be smiling.

          When they walk away, it should be with happiness in their heart about you, and about your time together.

 

45) Do little things for them in between dates.

          Back in the day, whippersnapper, we couldn’t just whip out our phones and shoot off a text or an email or a polo. We had to write letters and pay for stamps. We had to stand in line with a bunch of other people for our turn at a payphone. But I digress… <grin>

          Don’t stalk them. Don’t hover. But if you really like them do something in between dates to keep you in their mind. I used to keep Hershey’s Kisses in my pocket, and every time I passed my girlfriend in the hallway at college or saw her serving in the dining hall I would throw her one. On our second date, your mother brought me a drink I had mentioned in passing on our first date that I liked. Things like that stand out and say, “I care.”

 

46) Emma, it is acceptable for you to let a guy know you are interested in a backchannel sort of way. Jack, be (mostly) direct.

          Some girls pine away, waiting in vain to be noticed by the guy they are interested in. Some may differ with me, and that’s ok, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a girl letting a guy know she is interested in him. Use a room mate. Use a staff member at your church. Use a friend. Don’t ask him out, but let him know you are interested.

          Guys, on the other hand, shouldn’t hint as much as just plain ask. One of the worst things Barack Obama ever said was something to the effect that America was going to lead from behind. What an oxymoron. Without being rude or arrogant, be a leader. A girl should see a guy and think, “He’s going somewhere and I want to go with him.” So be going somewhere, and don’t be afraid to directly ask a girl to go with you.

 

47) If, during the course of dating, you discover a serious character flaw have the courage to break up even if your emotions are involved.

          No one is perfect. All of us are flawed. But there are flaws and then there are disqualifying flaws. You date a guy and he’s late to work a time or two, that’s human. You date a guy and he slaps you when he’s mad at you, that’s not just a red flag, it is a disqualifying exhibition of abhorrent character. Even if you have a whole lot invested in the relationship have the courage to walk away.

 

48) What constitutes a serious character flaw might be something you want to discuss with your mother and me.

          We’re not trying to run over your individuality and assert control in your life. But we’ve lived a lot longer than you. That means we’ve seen where a road leads. If you think the flaw you have discovered is a significant one it might be wise to bounce that off of us, and get our perspective. Perhaps it is not as bad as you think. Perhaps it is worse than you think. But maybe should ask us.

 

49) Jack, make her feel secure. Emma, make him feel taken care of.

          Security is more than just feeling protected from harm. The component of emotional security is probably even more important. Being stable, as a man, not lurching from idea to idea or from plan to plan suddenly on a whim is also important. Being confident without being arrogant also helps with providing a sense of security to a woman. 

          On the other hand, just as God made women with a desire for security God created men with a desire to be helped, to be cared for. Helpmeet is a wonderful word. So show him by your words/actions that you can take care of him and that you will take care of him.

          There are boundaries here, absolutely necessary ones. Dating is not remotely the same thing as marriage. But understanding that, you should seek to reveal with your life what kind of husband/wife you are going to be, and you should be looking as closely as possible to see what kind of husband/wife they are going to be. So show them.

63 Things I Taught My Children About Dating, Part Three of Five

 

Dating 3

 

Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating. I have repeatedly been asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>

 

26) When you get physical in a dating relationship you cloud your mind; that becomes all you think about and you cannot see clearly the road ahead.

          There is an old truism, love is blind. Much of the time, however, it is a self-inflicted blindness. Doing something that contributes to making that blindness worse is foolish. In the wisdom of God’s design, physical affection is a form of expressing love. But outside the bonds of matrimony it is rather an expression of selfishness. And no one is so blind as the self-centered person.

          The single most important decision you’ll ever make is who you choose to marry. You wouldn’t make such a decision while drunk, would you? No, you’re smarter than that. Then don’t make that decision while you are intoxicated in a similar albeit different manner. Keep a clear head. You’re going to need it. 

 

27) When you get physical in a dating relationship you run the risk of not knowing how to stop.

I am not here going to give you my belief/advice about what is acceptable in a dating relationship and what is not. That’s another blog post. But I will say there is a reason sexuality is called a drive, because it pushes you somewhere. It propels you. Fast.
          Last year, a mile or so from our church building here in Dubuque, three teenagers driving way too fast late at night lost control of their car, hit the side of a rock cut, and went out into eternity. At some point, toward the sudden end, they tried to stop. But it was too late.

 

28) You should be attracted physically to them.

          Put another way round, you should desire to express your love physically. You should just have the discipline and wisdom to wait.

          Love knows no restraint – except greater love. So love God more.

 

29) As PKs (preacher’s kids) and hopefully people of good reputation, understand your dating life will be watched.

          I do not believe there is one standard of right/wrong for preacher’s kids and a different one for factory worker’s kids. But the simple truth is you will be watched more closely by more people than others are. At this point in your life you are painfully aware of this, I’m sure. I was one, remember?

          Why am I bringing it up then? Because not just who you date but how you date, how you go about the process of dating, will be/is influential on others around you. You can move your peers, your younger siblings, and others of the generation behind you in the right direction. You can help those who follow in your footsteps. Or you can hurt them.

          As a senior in high school, an attractive college freshman came weeping to me one day. She had graduated from our high school the year prior. In the last two years of high school she had lived wrong, to put it mildly. Thankfully, she had since gotten right with the Lord. Why was she weeping then? Because the girls in the junior class behind me were acting like she had in high school - because she had influenced them. It marked her deeply.

          The spotlight is on you. What kind of a memory will you leave behind you?

 

30) Treat your date’s parents respectfully, even if you do not understand and/or agree with their rules.

          You have two choices here. You can strengthen your date’s relationship with their parents or you can weaken it. Which one do you think God would want you to do? Which one do you think their parent’s would want you to do? In years to come, when you have children of your own, which one will you wish you had done?

          Yeah. Do that one.

 

31) Getting married young is hard on your education, career, and finances.

          It isn’t wrong to get married young. It isn’t even necessarily unwise, though it can be. Maturity and age do not always equate. You can make a mature decision as a relatively young person about whom you want to marry and why. But even if you make that decision carefully and correctly, if you marry young some things are just harder.

          It is easier to focus on your education when the only one in your life you are responsible for is you. It is easier to pay for your education, in fact, to pay for everything else if the only person you have to support is you. Especially if you can ease into that process by living at home for a while. (Not forever, just saying.)

Put another way round, marriage complicates everything. Now there are two different sets of thoughts, dreams, feelings, and plans. Now there is a brand new and vitally important relationship to learn how to do right. Now there is a sudden need for an influx of cash. Now there is a hundred other things happening that weren’t happening before you got married. Often, soon after the now there is a baby on the way. You think marriage complicated everything? Wait until that child shows up.

          People who wait until all their ducks are in a row to get married often wait too long. People who rush out the door of their high school commencement and into marriage often never get their ducks in a row.

          Just some things to think about.

 

32) The more frequently you date the more you will become physically attracted and emotionally attached; if you aren’t ready for marriage have the character to stretch out your dating.

          I almost said wisdom but I think character matters more here. It takes character to discipline yourself, to limit how much time/attention you give each other. Especially in a day when your phone is always within arm’s reach and you can text/call each other at the drop of a hat. (I’m so glad I didn’t have that temptation to deal with in this context when I was dating.)

          I suppose some would say I am advocating being cold or calculating with your dating life. I’m not. I’m advocating being prudent. Prudence is a biblical character trait that looks down the road, sees what is coming, and adjusts itself accordingly. If you aren’t ready to get married for two more years then don’t date like you’re in the last three months now.

          Character, Dennis Corle says, is parenting yourself.

          Yeah, character is the right word here.

 

33) Pray for wisdom.

          I’ve spent scores of hours teaching you both the book of Proverbs. You know what wisdom is. It is how. It is all wrapped up in the decisions you make. Wisdom is the thing I pray for most as a pastor because my decisions affect so many other people. In a similar sense, wisdom is the thing you need most, for your dating/marriage decisions have such a long arc. They cast such a long shadow. They matter so much for so long in so many ways.

          There will be numerous times in your dating career where you simply do not know what to do. My counsel will not be helpful. All the preaching and teaching and classes and books you’ve read won’t be helpful. Your mother’s perspective won’t help either. You will simply have no idea what is the best thing to do in a particular situation.

          But God does. So pray for wisdom.

 

34) A healthy dating progression looks like this: first date, decision to continue dating them, decision to exclusively date them, engagement, marriage.

          Bro. Hyles used to say, “Don’t rush the washing machine.” It has cycles for a reason, and if you move to the rinse cycle before the wash cycle is done you’ll have problems.

          Don’t rush the washing machine.

 

35) A healthy dating progression enjoys each of these stages fully before going on to the next.

          I’ve already said as much. Don’t think more comment is needed here.

36) You will be disappointed and probably even heartbroken over a romantic attachment in your dating life.

          I’m aware the courtship philosophy uses this as a primary attack on dating. It doesn’t impress me much. But it is certainly helpful to understand that these sorts of things often happen so as to not be quite so surprised and/or devastated when they do.

          I don’t say “these sorts of things” lightly. Even you two don’t know how much and how deeply “these sorts of things” have marked my life. They often swallow your life, can for years.

          If that happens or some version of it happens, understand you are not Job. Shakespeare was wrong about much of what he said, but his line, “the course of true love never did run smooth” is close to spot on. It is difficult to mesh two sets of gears together, even gears purpose built to mesh together. It is eminently harder to mesh two lives together, two individuals. Your mother and I have been at it for nigh on a quarter century and it can still be very difficult.

          I preached months on suffering to my church because I don’t want them to be surprised when it comes. I want them to be prepared.

          Be prepared.

 

37) Let God help you with that.

          These sorts of heartbreaks are genuine heartbreaks. Your mother and I love you immeasurably and care about everything in your life. If it matters to you it matters to us, and the more it matters to you the more it matters to us. God has graciously given you friends who love you, and ministry leaders who have wisdom. But in the final analysis, no one can help you with such things. When you’re bleeding out emotionally on the inside the one to run to is Him.

          There are reasons my favorite verse is Psalm 62.5. “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” Take your shattered dreams and wounded spirit to Him. Find your rest in Him.

          Intimacy with Christ makes a good foundation to build intimacy with another human being upon. God almost always uses isolating pain to develop the former. Don’t be angry with Him; run toward Him.

          “His understanding is infinite.” (Psalm 147.5)

          “The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.” (Psalm 34.18)

63 Things I Taught My Children About Dating, Part Two of Five

 Note: Last year, I made reference in a podcast to the fact I had taught my teenage children 63 things about dating. I have repeatedly been asked to provide that list so I am going to do so, along with some brief commentary. Bear in mind, this was designed specifically for my own children. Also bear in mind, it is very much in the mode of a father giving his advice rather than a pastor preaching the Word of God. Understanding those caveats, proceed at your own risk. <grin>

 

 

13) Decide whether to play the field or date one person at a time.

          I don’t know who originated the phrase “play the field” to describe dating more than one person at a time, but that is essentially what it means. In a sense, I understand it. If you automatically limit yourself to dating one person at a time until you have decided to move on you may lose out on a different, better opportunity. On the other hand, if you are constantly on the lookout for who is next while you are dating someone at the moment how can you ever develop commitment let alone discern the will of the Lord in any real way?

          I’ve chosen all my life to do the latter, to date only one person at a time. It was more than a little problematic at times, but I believe I gained much more from it than what I lost. I’m not telling you what to do here, but I am suggesting you think both of these approaches through.

 

14) Look for a positive response.

          I was sitting in my freshman Old Testament Survey class when a student raised his hand. “What should I look for in a date?” The teacher looked at him, grinned, and said, “A positive response.” We howled with laughter.

          …but that teacher was right. If someone you are interested in is not interested in you, move on. Find someone who is interested in you. You'll save yourself an enormous amount of emotional trauma this way.

 

15) Don’t either over-estimate or under-estimate looks.

          Our culture is so rotten. It essentially equates everything in any way connected with dating as sexual, and sends the message loud and clear that physical attraction is all that matters. It does it with music, with advertising, with movies, with television, with coming of age stories, with everything. And it is flat wrong.

The person you are dating is a soul, a spirit, and a body. What they look like informs who they are but is not who they are. And who they are is both so much more and so much more important than how they look.

Having said that, if you do not find them attractive then I would argue you are dating foolishly. “Well, Dad, you told me to have character, to make a commitment.” I did. But if you don’t want to kiss them your marriage is going to be one long, dreary trudge.

 

16) I watched a girl for a month in college before I asked her out.

          This is one of those things that I occasionally tell people and they find it either hilarious or sad. I found it wise then and I find it wise now. I watched who she sat with in chapel and in the dining hall. (Who you choose as friends is highly revealing of who you are.) I figured out who her bus captain and favorite professors were and asked their confidential opinion of her character. I made an appointment with the pastor and asked his opinion. I drove to her home church, if it was within a few hours, and asked her home pastor about her. I borderline stalked her. Ok, maybe not borderline, but I wanted to know her character and spirituality level before I asked her out, before I got emotionally involved.

          My friends gave me enormous grief for that back in the day. They told me I was making it too hard, that I would miss out on Miss Right, that I would scare her off, that I would never find the right one.

          I don’t know much, but I know some of those friends are divorced now and I’m not. I know I married a woman who loves the Lord. I know I married a woman who could take a punch (metaphorically speaking, from life) and keep moving forward. I know I married one of the hardest working women I’ve ever known. I know I married a wonderful mother, an excellent homemaker, a frugal woman, a woman with a backbone of steel, a woman who has taken excellent care of me, of my children, and of my God-given ministry.

          I also know I dodged more than a few bullets along the way, women who from the vantage point of twenty four years of marriage I’m glad I avoided.

          Marriage is your whole life. Which makes dating enormously important. Which makes choosing who you date a critically important decision. So make it most carefully.

 

17) Be careful of dating someone who has emotional baggage from past abuse.

          God loves everyone. God’s forgiveness goes as deep as sin goes. God gives us in the Bible the tools we need to overcome bitterness, to deal with pain, to move forward in life in spite of our past.

          …but some wounds leave lasting scars. Perhaps a better illustration is an amputation. You can heal from what caused the loss of the limb but that limb is still going to be missing for the rest of your life; its absence is still going to impact you.

          Some people, either through no fault of their own or because of some bad decisions, carry a great weight of emotional baggage, to mix up my metaphors here. That will impact your marriage, your parenting, your finances, your ministry, your interactions with the opposite sex, your relationship with your family and hers, and a host of other things.

          I’m not saying you can’t do it or you shouldn’t do it. I’m asking you to weigh this carefully if you discover you are dating someone with a great deal of past in their past.

 

18) Marriage is a gamble at best.

With Mandy
Malibu, California 2015

          This sounds depressing, I know. I’m not down on marriage at all; I love being married. It has been the delight and honor of my life. But it is still a gamble at best. No matter how carefully you screen the other person’s character you do not know their heart. And neither of you can know what is coming in the future, or how either of you will react to what is coming in the future.

I think of Mandy and I burying your sister on that snowy Pennsylvania hillside less than a week after our first anniversary. Wow. Every study I have ever seen indicates the rates of divorce increase dramatically in such situations. It is a marvel that we did not, or that we did not quit the ministry at the least.

No, you cannot know what is coming, but you can be assured life, with all of its frailty and complications and suffering and success, with its “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” is coming straight at you both. You cannot stop it but you can prepare for it. By developing a deep and genuine walk with God. By knowing what you believe and why you believe it. By having a clear understanding of what God says about marriage and family and a clear vision to develop it.

…and by stacking the odds as much as you can in your favor. Marry someone with proven character, with a track record of loving God and people, with a desire for a biblical family, with the ability to live inexpensively, with the capacity to handle hurt. Marry someone you love and like. Marry someone you don’t fight with all the time. Marry someone who has a similar background and outlook as your own.

It will still be a gamble, but it will be a better gamble.

 

19) …so stack the odds in favor of a lasting marriage as much as you can.

          I see I have already written my way into this one so we’ll move on. 

20) Interracial marriage is not wrong by any means but it can be unwise.

          For the reasons I have just explained. It just makes everything harder. I know many interracial couples who have a beautiful marriage and you certainly can. I also think it makes marriage more difficult, especially in the first decade.

 

21) Their family background matters.

          Again, for the reasons I have just cited. Their concept of marriage is largely formed by their parents. Doesn’t mean you cannot date someone who’s parents divorced; I did. It just makes things more problematic in relation to ensuring the right philosophy of marriage, and it definitely makes things more problematic in relation to the in-laws after marriage. The latter and failures in relation to it is one of the leading causes of divorce.

          “Dad, I’m marrying them, not their family.”

          How can I put this gently… Don’t think I can so I’ll just say it. You’re wrong. You are marrying their family too. And you are marrying their concept of family.

 

22) Their financial history matters.

          Is he in debt? How much? Why? What has he done to get out of it? Will he provide for you?

          “Dad, that’s so old-fashioned. We’ll both work; it will be fine.”

          Ok, then who is going to take care of the kids when they are little? And what will having both parents work full time do to them? Setting that to the side, what will having a wife with expensive taste or a husband who is bad at managing money do to your marriage? Well, I can answer that in one word – pressure. It will put enormous and constant strain on your marriage.

          Moving all the time because you can’t pay the rent isn’t very romantic, especially when you have to cram four kids into a two room apartment. Constant car breakdowns or the inability to pay a babysitter so you can go out for dinner build resentment over time.

          I do not and you should not expect to find financial expertise in a twenty-something potential date. But you should expect to find honesty. You should expect to find little debt. And you should expect to find financial literacy.

          You’re going to need it.

 

23) Their work history matters.

          How often have they changed jobs? How often have they been fired? How often do they complain about work? How often do they call off work? How persistent are they at finding work?

          Or maybe it is a matter of how often do they work? Do they think twenty hours a week is full time, and more than that is unreasonable?

          Character shows up dressed in work clothes, not a tuxedo.

 

24) Their friends matter.

          I alluded to this above. Their friends reveal who they are, and indicate who they will become. “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: But a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”

 

25) Their relationship with the Lord matters.

          The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. In the final analysis, our flesh, our carnality is our worst enemy. No matter your background, family, philosophy, personality, or work experience, you still have flesh. You still have a carnal nature.

          The only thing that keeps that carnality in check is walking in the Spirit. I’ve needed Mandy’s patience, forgiveness, charity, longsuffering, mercy, and grace thousands of times through the years. Where does she get it? From her relationship with the Lord. A good marriage, someone has well said, is the union of two good forgivers. Only people that love the Lord are good forgivers. 

          …and that is just one aspect of this in relation marriage. There are many more. Give me someone who loves the Lord and walks with Him and violates most of the rest of these and I’ll show you a marriage win almost every time.

          The questions that occupy your mind are, “Do I love them? Do they love me?”

Don’t forget to ask, “Do they love Him?”