Husband, View Your Marriage As a Ministry

Marriage 8

 

          This week, we turn from examining the foundational beliefs necessary for marriage to the more practical side of things. Just what are husbands and wives supposed to do in marriage? We will spend a few weeks looking at each side of this, but we begin with this necessity for husbands: He views his marriage as a ministry.

Paul phrased it this way in I Corinthians 7.32-33: But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. "Pleased" here carries in it the idea of accommodating oneself to another, of adjusting or fitting yourself to another in such a way that you can help them carry what they carry. Nor is this a negative use; Paul is here commending this about the married man, asserting it to be good and right. A husband correctly understands that he no longer has the freedom he had when he was single, which allowed him to serve the Lord with nary a thought of who else was involved. No, now he must adjust everything in his life with one ruling principle in mind: how he may please his wife and how he can help her carry what she carries in this life.

I begin here because it is a life-changing truth. I start here also because it goes against the grain of so much taught and presented about marriage. The independent Baptist movement has a wide macho streak, a kind of get-back-in-the-kitchen-and-make-me-a-sammich kind of thing. Of course, this is merely the carnal human weakness of selfishness masquerading as manliness, but now I am meddling. I also begin here primarily because it is biblical, as revealed in Paul's words above.

This next statement may sound harsh, but I prefer to consider it realistic. The average marriage is often one of manipulation, not ministry. A study in "The Journal of Marriage and the Family" shows us this in a failure sort of way. Reasons men cited for divorce included communication problems (59%), unhappiness (46%), incompatibility (44%), sexual problems (30%), financial problems (28%), and emotional abuse (24%). The causes women referenced as contributing to divorce were similar, though more sad in my view, including communication problems (69%), unhappiness (59%), incompatibility (56%), emotional abuse (55%), financial problems (32%), sexual problems (32%), husband's drinking (30%), husband's infidelity (25%), and physical abuse (21%).

Much of the above paragraph could be summed up with this phrase commonly uttered in counseling situations: "My needs just aren't being met." What needs? Communication, empathy, sympathy, support, respect, money, sex, happiness, peace, security, stability, etc. 

Where is ministry in that?

The response to this type of teaching on marriage usually sounds something like, "Well, you must just want me to be a doormat then!" I would argue that such an expression reveals that you still focus on yourself. It is not until you can forget yourself and focus on the needs of those around you that you can truly be Christ-like. He said, The Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. (Matthew 20.28) Paul agreed, adding a clarifying statement in Philippians 2.4-5: Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.  

The typical book on marriage in the bookstore's self-help section is chock full of techniques for you to use on your wife to get your needs met. My brother, that is manipulation, plain and clear. A self-centered approach to marriage cannot be biblical.

          Marriage is rooted in and grows from love. The foundation of love is giving. It follows that giving, selfless expressions of love ought to fill marriage. Yet somehow, when vows are exchanged, a mysterious metamorphosis occurs. What had been a how-can-I-show-you-my-love attitude becomes a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude. Such a fact makes me wonder if the marriage was rooted in love at all.

          “Of course it was. I loved her then and love her now. It’s not my fault she isn’t holding up her end of the deal.”

          You know, enjoying how being in love makes me feel good is not the same as loving another selflessly. I am convinced such feelings drove men like Sinatra to marry four times and commit serial adultery during most of them. It was not love; it was how being in love made him feel. Ergo, since the "love" was selfish, so was the marriage and the selfish manipulation that drove most of those wives away.

          “But a man has needs, Pastor Brennan!”

          May I kindly ask you to meditate on a couple of passages?

          But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4.19)

          The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Psalm 23.1)

          My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. (Psalm 62.5)

          If God truly meets our needs, and the marriage is built upon a selfless, giving love, then the result will not be a selfish husband who operates on manipulation; it will be a loving, Christ-like husband whose marriage functions as a ministry to his wife, coming alongside, carrying what she carries.

          Now then, I would continue, but my wife is hollering for me at the moment, and I must go help her… <grin>

          Catch you next week.