Marriage
8
This week, we turn from examining the
foundational beliefs necessary for marriage to the more practical side of
things. Just what are husbands and wives supposed to do in marriage? We will
spend a few weeks looking at each side of this, but we begin with this
necessity for husbands: He views his marriage as a ministry.
Paul phrased it this way in I
Corinthians 7.32-33: But I would have you without carefulness. He that is
unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the
Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how
he may please his wife. "Pleased" here carries in it the idea of
accommodating oneself to another, of adjusting or fitting yourself to another
in such a way that you can help them carry what they carry. Nor is this a
negative use; Paul is here commending this about the married man, asserting it
to be good and right. A husband correctly understands that he no longer has the
freedom he had when he was single, which allowed him to serve the Lord with
nary a thought of who else was involved. No, now he must adjust everything in
his life with one ruling principle in mind: how he may please his wife
and how he can help her carry what she carries in this life.
I begin here because it is a life-changing
truth. I start here also because it goes against the grain of so much taught
and presented about marriage. The independent Baptist movement has a wide macho
streak, a kind of get-back-in-the-kitchen-and-make-me-a-sammich kind of thing.
Of course, this is merely the carnal human weakness of selfishness masquerading
as manliness, but now I am meddling. I also begin here primarily because it is
biblical, as revealed in Paul's words above.
This next statement may sound harsh, but I
prefer to consider it realistic. The average marriage is often one of manipulation,
not ministry. A study in "The Journal of Marriage and the Family"
shows us this in a failure sort of way. Reasons men cited for divorce included
communication problems (59%), unhappiness (46%), incompatibility (44%), sexual
problems (30%), financial problems (28%), and emotional abuse (24%). The causes
women referenced as contributing to divorce were similar, though more sad in my
view, including communication problems (69%), unhappiness (59%),
incompatibility (56%), emotional abuse (55%), financial problems (32%), sexual
problems (32%), husband's drinking (30%), husband's infidelity (25%), and
physical abuse (21%).
Much of the above paragraph could be summed up with this phrase commonly uttered in counseling situations: "My needs just aren't being met." What needs? Communication, empathy, sympathy, support, respect, money, sex, happiness, peace, security, stability, etc.
Where is ministry in that?
The response to this type of teaching on
marriage usually sounds something like, "Well, you must just want me to be
a doormat then!" I would argue that such an expression reveals that you
still focus on yourself. It is not until you can forget yourself and focus on
the needs of those around you that you can truly be Christ-like. He said, The
Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his
life a ransom for many. (Matthew 20.28) Paul agreed, adding a clarifying
statement in Philippians 2.4-5: Look not every man on his own things, but
every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also
in Christ Jesus.
The typical book on marriage in the
bookstore's self-help section is chock full of techniques for you to use on
your wife to get your needs met. My brother, that is manipulation, plain and
clear. A self-centered approach to marriage cannot be biblical.
Marriage is rooted in and grows from
love. The foundation of love is giving. It follows that giving, selfless
expressions of love ought to fill marriage. Yet somehow, when vows are
exchanged, a mysterious metamorphosis occurs. What had been a how-can-I-show-you-my-love
attitude becomes a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude. Such a fact makes
me wonder if the marriage was rooted in love at all.
“Of course it was. I loved her then
and love her now. It’s not my fault she isn’t holding up her end of the deal.”
You know, enjoying how being in love
makes me feel good is not the same as loving another selflessly. I am convinced
such feelings drove men like Sinatra to marry four times and commit serial
adultery during most of them. It was not love; it was how being in love made
him feel. Ergo, since the "love" was selfish, so was the marriage and
the selfish manipulation that drove most of those wives away.
“But a man has needs, Pastor Brennan!”
May I kindly ask you to meditate on a
couple of passages?
But my God shall supply all your need
according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4.19)
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not
want. (Psalm 23.1)
My soul, wait thou only upon God;
for my expectation is from him. (Psalm 62.5)
If God truly meets our needs, and the
marriage is built upon a selfless, giving love, then the result will not be a
selfish husband who operates on manipulation; it will be a loving, Christ-like
husband whose marriage functions as a ministry to his wife, coming alongside,
carrying what she carries.
Now then, I would continue, but my
wife is hollering for me at the moment, and I must go help her… <grin>
Catch you next week.
As usual an excellent and Biblical answer to what many are asking about.
ReplyDeleteMark Rasmussen