Eight Things to Keep When You Go to College

 

Note: Today, I am answering a time-specific question from my mailbag. The series on marriage will resume next week.

 

          It is the only time I have seen my Dad cry. We were standing together on a gravel parking lot in Indiana. We had just unloaded my stuff, schlepping it up the stairs into my dorm room at Hyles-Anderson College. It was just him and me. He looked at me, got a weird choking sound in his throat, and said, “I feel like I’m losing my right arm.” I had in me a curious mix of trepidation and excitement, with a dash of sorrow for my parents thrown in. But it was time. Time for me to build my own life. The world was my oyster. Let’s goooooooo!

          There are several before and afters in my life, events from which all that flowed was different than that which went before. Leaving for college was one of those. As we speak, all across America, young men and women are experiencing this precise moment in their lives. Just this week, someone I care about left home to attend Bible college in another state. They asked me for advice. Today’s post is my answer.

          Here are eight things to keep when you go to college.

Keep Your Mind Open 

          I do not know who said it first, but it was well said: "A mind is like a parachute; it only functions when open." I am known for being stubborn, for clinging with determination to positions and ideas. I think there is wisdom in this, generally speaking. But if you are not willing to listen to an alternate view or weigh the considered merits of another idea, do not go to college. It will be a waste of time and money.

          If you have chosen your school carefully, then show up with a mind open to the influences you will find there. Obviously, one should never accept any idea or person whole cloth, but the main idea of going to school is learning something new to become something better. So soak it all in.

          I am not talking about the truth. Truth, though debatable, is not relative or plural. But so much about life and ministry is. If you have grown up in a stable home and church environment you have been granted a huge blessing. By the same token, you also almost certainly have a rather narrow, parochial view formed by the culture of your home, your community, and your church. One of the great benefits of going away to college is not only exposure to an entirely different culture, but exposure to young people from a wide variety of cultures. College exposed me to a much wider perspective than I would have experienced otherwise. It expanded my vision, but only because I was receptive enough to keep my mind open. 

Keep Your Walk With God 

          There will never be a time or stage or age in your life when you do not need the Lord. Your soul will always need to be fed with the Word of God. Your spirit must needs constantly fly to the Lord for refuge. And this is true no matter how rich the spiritual environment in which you live.

          You will be busy. Keep your walk with God anyway. You will be pulled in ten different directions by priorities that scream at you, demanding time and attention. Keep your walk with God anyway. If you attend a Bible college, you will spend hours in the Word of God every day of the week. Keep your walk with God anyway.

          No professor or mentor can replace it. No spirit of enthusiasm can replace it. Constant chapel services and church services cannot replace it. Nothing can. The most important thing you will do each day while you are away at school is to carve out a few minutes alone with God somewhere. Open your Bible, open your heart, and let Him minister grace and truth to your soul and spirit.

Keep Your Budget 

          The typical independent Baptist young person going to college is largely self-funding. In plain speech, you are paying your own way. Many people will solemnly tell you what a crime that is. I am not one of them. It is exceedingly helpful. It will push you, and you must be pushed if you are going to develop into a helpful tool for the Lord's use. I paid every dime necessary for the diploma that hangs on the wall in my office. That process was as important to me as anything else that happened while I was in school.

          None of the above paragraph, though, is the point. Here is the point: the only way you are ever going to accomplish that is serious discipline – time management discipline, relationship discipline, academic discipline, emotional discipline, and financial discipline. A budget is not complicated. Your income must exceed your outgo. Make one. Stick to it religiously. If you have to take a semester off to make money, fine. If you have to eat bad dining hall food, fine. If you have to walk to work in the rain and snow, fine. If you have to wash your clothes in the sink, fine. But stay on budget.

          I graduated with a Bachelor of Theology degree four years after I enrolled, and I had zero debt when I walked across that platform. I drove a beater, wore old clothes, and functioned on little sleep because I worked so much, but I got that degree without debt. In today’s world, and tomorrow’s too probably, that is priceless.

          Keep your budget.

Keep Your Schedule

          At first, college will feel like camp, only better. Everyone will be excited. All the experiences will be fresh. You will make new friends every day. The world will be happy with you, and you with the world.

          …for a time. Gradually and inevitably, however, what was thrilling will become sheer drudgery. Emotion will not keep you going; character will. Your body will demand more sleep; your character will haul you out of bed in time (barely) for your first class. Your friends will beckon to you at the snack shop; your character will send you back to an empty dorm room to do your reading. Your mind will insist you cannot carry the workload; character will prevent you from dropping a class. In our world, the independent Baptist world, you cannot graduate from school without character. That is awesome, actually.

          When it is time for class, go to class. When you have only twenty minutes to eat lunch, eat lunch in twenty minutes. When your alarm goes off, get out of bed. Do the next right thing, no matter what else you want to do at the moment. Live by schedule. Let it be the boss of your life.

          You can thank me later.

Keep Your Purity 

          I was startled to see him. I was in California for a pastor's conference. It had been close to twenty years since I had last seen him. In the intervening time, he had planted a church or two and been faithful to the Lord. He still is.

          He walked up to me, held out his hand, and said, “Hello, Bro. Brennan, it is good to see you.” Awkwardly but sincerely, I looked him in the eye, reached for that hand, and said something similar. We parted a minute or two later, and I have not seen him since that day.

          Why does this matter? Because he married my girlfriend. She and I dated for most of two years at college, and I thought we were going to get married. Life went in a different direction. I am thrilled with the woman God led me to and the family I have. I am sure he feels the same as I do decades later.

          Here is the thing: I looked him in the eye and shook his hand, and my conscience was clear. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I had taken nothing from him of what was rightfully his. There are numerous reasons to cultivate moral purity – your relationship with God, to keep a clear head, because you agreed to keep the rules, because immorality is deceitful, etc. – but one that is rarely thought of is your conscience.

          Keep your purity. Someday, you may find yourself shaking hands at a meeting two decades later, and your conscience will be mighty grateful to you.

Keep Your Roots 

          The early months of college are a whirlwind of experiences, emotions, and relationships. Excellent. Plunge in. Seriously, soak it all up. Throw open your mind and your heart and let the world in. The teaching will be world-class. The music will make you shout. The preaching will be endlessly interesting and convicting. The friendships will be fast and deep.

          …but do not forget the folks back home. No matter where you go in life or who you become or who you become it with, to your Mom and Dad, you are the same person. In a similar yet different way, just as you will never outgrow your need for the Word of God, you will never outgrow your parents. When you go home for the holidays, spend your first evening with them. When you pass the hard test, tell them. When that first date turns into the third or fourth, tell them. When you need prayer, tell them. When you succeed or when you fail or when you just muddle along, share it with them. You do not understand this yet, but you are their entire world. Try to remember that when you are building your own world.

          And do not forget the folks at your home church either. They loved you, ministered to you, were patient with you, taught you, served with you first. You will hear a thousand preachers better than your pastor while you are at school, but never let him think that. Your pastor is better than all of them put together, anyway. He is your shepherd; they are just preachers rotating in and out of your life for a time. Ask his counsel and listen to it. Let his lifetime of wisdom infuse your decision-making and thought process. Let your gratitude remain as continual as his influence.

          They say you can never go home again. They may be right. So when you leave home, do not leave your roots. Keep them. And you will always be able to go home.

Keep Your Cool 

          Pressure does funny things. Hundreds of feet underwater, it cracks rivets and sows terror in the hearts of submariners. In the military, it produces Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and 22 veteran suicides every day. In the ministry, it breaks up marriages and brings devastation to a family and a church. In the police department, it brings unjustified shootings and the riots that follow. And hundreds of feet underground, it slowly turns coal into diamonds.

          When – and mark that I said when, not if – the pressure comes to you, keep your cool. Martyn Lloyd-Jones said, “Faith is a refusal to panic.” I love that. When you fail a class, keep your cool. When your car breaks down for the third time in a week, keep your cool. When you get unjustified demerits, keep your coal. When you think your professor is heretical, keep your cool. When you have too much month at the end of your money, keep your cool. When your boyfriend breaks up with you, keep your cool. When you get laid off, keep your cool. When you fall asleep in church, and someone accuses you of not loving the Lord, keep your cool. About the only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions; let them. But keep your cool.

          Precious little is built well when you build in a frazzled panic, your life included. Keep your cool.

Keep Your Eyes On Jesus 

          If you can only remember one of these, remember this one. Jesus is both the means and aim of our Christian life. It is His Calvary love which redeemed you and His grace alone that can sustain you. No goal He does not prize is worth a bucket of warm spit. No applause other than His matters in the end. No one else is worthy of your heart’s fire, your arm’s vigor, and your life’s service.

          The devil wants you focused anywhere but Christ. He will troll you, condemn you, deceive you, worry you, anger you, distract you, tempt you, gaslight you, flatter you, attack you, befriend you, sympathize with you, buy you off, beat you down, and a dozen other things in an effort to abort your usefulness to the Lord. He will give you a score of reasons to quit. Some of them will be genuine; most will not. He will seek to redirect you ever so slightly away from the mark God is aiming you at.

          Ignore them all. You have the Holy Spirit indwelling you. You have the grace of God available to you. You have a Book sufficient for your needs. Tell the devil to go back to the hell that spawned him and look to Christ.

          Someday soon, we will kneel before the Throne. I hope I am near you. I want to see your face when you hear, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. (Matthew 25.21) As the hymnwriter said, “It will be worth it all.”

          No matter who does what or says what, no matter the circumstance that arises, no matter the unbridgable gulf or unclimbable barrier between you and the will of God, keep your eyes on Jesus.

          He is enough.

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Have A Good Fight

 

Marriage 25

 

          Every union of two people will come to inevitable disagreements over time. Each gender has different strengths, and each individual has different personalities. Conflict happens, even in the best of marriages. Last week, we looked at the philosophy of a good fight. In a marital disagreement, our intent ought to be to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling so that we may minister grace to them. This week, I want to give you seven practical ideas to help you do so.

First, choose your fight time wisely.

Do not fight when the discussion must be hurried by the rush of time or

events. This will entirely shortcut understanding. Do not fight in public. More than just bad form, it defeats one of the cardinal purposes of marriage: publicly representing the love Christ has for His church. Do not fight in the heat of emotion. As a rule, the more emotion you experience, the less thinking you do. Logic may lead to emotion, but the reverse rarely happens. As well, do not fight upon first coming together i.e. waking up in the morning, returning from work in the evening. Let your (re) unions be peaceful and happy.

          Second, do not interrupt each other.

It is natural to want to defend yourself when you feel you are being misrepresented or even misunderstood. But your whole approach in this fight is not to make yourself understood; it is to understand your partner. The more they talk, the more chance you will have of getting to the root of their real thoughts and feelings. So let them talk.

          One particular book I read on marriage spoke of a couple that had trouble in this precise area. They could not keep from interrupting each other. So, they devised the spoon rule. When it was time for a fight, one of them brought a spoon. Whoever was holding the spoon got to talk. And only one person could hold the spoon at a time. Maybe you should bring a spoon to your next fight.

          Three, use soft words to reveal your hurt.   

          Words mean things. The things those words mean are amplified when they are spoken in emotion by someone for whom you care deeply. “You are a _________________ son of a ____________ for …” lands entirely differently than, “I don’t think you meant to come across this way when you did… but this is how I felt when you did it.” I know grown men and women who still struggle with something their parents voiced to them decades ago, voiced in a harsh manner. Words are tools that reveal what we think and feel, and no tool should be used as a weapon.

          Fourth, boomerang their comments.   

          When it is your turn to speak, you ought to begin by reiterating what you understood them to say. "What I heard you say was… Did I get that right?" Often, the one most hurt is the one not communicating clearly. As such, clarifying statements like this reveal that lack of communication and allow it to be resolved before the hurt metastasizes.

          Fifth, resist the temptation to bring up past issues.

          In a trial, a judge must rule carefully on what past events a prosecutor is allowed to bring up for precisely this reason. Past hurled forward is prejudice. I agree that context is often helpful in resolving issues; I disagree that context needs to be developed in granular detail. When you bring up the past, you make the current argument too big and too complicated to deal with in one conversation. Additionally, your memory and interpretation of those events are often one-sided, if not downright unfair. Deal with the problem at hand, not ten years' worth of complaints. If you keep short accounts with each other, you will find it most helpful here.

          Six, make what is important to them important to you.

          At the risk of being too transparent, let me tell you about the only time Mandy almost left me. We had not been married more than a year or two when I returned from work to find her suitcase packed and sitting in the hall. We had had an argument that morning, and in the course of the argument, I had uttered an entirely forgettable throwaway phrase, "You're an idiot." It was a phrase I had said a thousand times to a thousand people in my life. What I did not know was that this phrase was deeply painful to her and always had been. It was not to me. To me, it was just the way people talked when they were venting. To her, it was highly offensive, provoking enough to cause her to pack her bags to go home to Momma for a night or two.

          When I discovered this, I was flabbergasted. If anything was idiotic, overreacting to being called an idiot seemed to be a perfect example. But as I processed it, I realized it did not matter how it felt to me; it mattered how it felt to her. It was important to her that I not call her an idiot. Since that day, I never have.

          Seventh, above all, remember your goal is to know and understand the other person. If you will pursue that knowledge and understanding, you will almost always find wisdom arrives with it. In other words, once you know how and why they did what they did and feel how they feel, you will know how best to respond. And your response will be edifying.

          “Pastor Brennan, you keep talking about a good fight. I thought fights were never good.”

          If you will do these seven things it will be a good fight. Because good will come out of it.     

The Philosophy of A Good Fight

 

Marriage 24

 

          Love and hurt come together. Love is created and nurtered in an atmosphere of trust, openness, and vulnerability but these very things create the potential for emotional pain. When we love and are misunderstood, we hurt. When we love and are disappointed, we hurt. When we love and are rejected, we hurt. When we love and are ignored, we hurt. When we love and are frustrated, we hurt. Etc.

          There are good and bad ways to respond to this hurt. One of the poorer responses, however, is all too common—they lash out in attack.

What next? When we (unintentionally or intentionally) hurt the one we love and they lash out in attack the question then comes: What next? Often, our reflexes kick in and we automatically defend ourselves. Alternatively, if we have a bit more self-control we respond with silence. Sometimes, we attempt a hurried, conversation-stopping apology so as to head off more verbal fireworks. Worse yet, we react to attack by an attack of our own.  

The Apostle Paul gives us a helpful screen to strain all of our conversations, including marital. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. (Ephesians 4.29) In this context, I am forced to recognize that defending myself when I am attacked does not minister grace. Attacking my attacker, in turn, certainly does not minister grace either. There is wisdom in silence, and sometimes, simply taking in our partner's anger is the most gracious thing we can do, but other times, silence is not golden; it is just plain yellow. Nor is a conversation-shortening apology going to minister grace either, for all it does is wall off the problem without dealing with it.

Most of these are bad options most of the time because none of them deal with the hurt back of the attack. To deal with the hurt I must understand what caused it so that I may strive to avoid causing it again. It then follows that I must know what they are thinking or feeling in order to understand what caused the attack.

Solomon tells us this in relation to the family dynamic in Proverbs 24.3, Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established. There must needs be a good how and a good why in dealing with the verbal attacks that happen in every marriage from time to time. Peter builds on this specifically in the context of marriage. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel. (I Peter 3.7) In a fight, I need to know what we are fighting about (knowledge), how to respond best in that fight (wisdom), and why I ought to respond that way (understanding).

What ought to be my overall goal in these types of conversations? To minister grace. To do that, I need three things: knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. Practically speaking, when I defend myself, attack them in turn, ignore them in sullen silence, or cut off the conversation with a hurried apology, I gain none of these things. Responding so unwisely adds little to my necessary base of knowledge and understanding and thus prevents me from ministering grace.

Grasping this, what is my aim in a good fight? When I am attacked, what philosophical thought process should guide my response? Simply this: I want to know and understand my partner. Defending myself is not a priority. Calming them down is often helpful but only sometimes a priority. Defusing the situation so we return to the status quo is not the priority either. I want to know what my partner feels and why they feel that way. Only with this knowledge and understanding may I respond in wisdom to minister grace.

The most crucial thing in a fight is to understand each other.

Next week, we will talk about how to do that.     

 

         

Decide to Love

 

Marriage 23

 

          There may not be a worse phrase in the English language than “fall in love.” In today’s post, I intend to prove that to you scripturally. More importantly, I want to permanently remove from your mind the validity of falling out of love with your mate.

          It is undeniable that a husband is emphatically told to love his wife. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5.25) Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Colossians 3.19) A wife is also instructed to love her husband. That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. (Titus 2.4) Yet I know what it is like to have spouses sit in my office and tell me, “I just don’t love her/him anymore.”

          This marriage-killing excuse is rational if love is something that happens to you by accident, a feeling that is produced in you by another person's actions. But such an approach to love, while widely held in our society, has no basis in Scripture. Love is not an accident. Love is not a reaction on your part to how likable or nice others are toward you. Love has feeling, but it is not a feeling. Love is an attitude of affection and giving on your part which you choose to extend to another. In short, love is a choice you can decide to offer to someone.

          If I am right, each partner permanently loses the right to say to the other, "I don't love you anymore," because that partner has become unlovable or someone else has become more lovable. If I am right, each partner permanently loses the justification for falling out of love.

          So why do I assert this? What is my scriptural support?

          I say this first because love is a decision of the will. I will love thee, O Lord, my strength. (Psalm 18.1) The psalmist’s love for God was not based on his perception or knowledge of or reaction to God’s goodness; it was based on a decision of the will.

          I say this second because love is a command. Eight times in Scripture we are faced with the command to love our neighbor. Twelve times we are told to love one another. Additionally, husbands and wives are commanded to love each other. Indeed, the greatest commandments in the Bible revolve around mandates that we love. A command that is dependent on how another person makes you feel is nonsensical. Put another way round, if fulfilling the command to love is dependent on what another person does to make me feel something then that commandment is not a valid commandment; it is a suggestion. A command to be a command must only require God and me in order to fulfill it.

          I say this third because where God commands, He enables. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (II Timothy 1.7) Do not tell me you cannot love those whom God tells you to love. Tell me you do not want to anymore, that it is not enjoyable anymore, but do not tell me you cannot. The Holy Spirit gives us the wherewithal to obey these instructions just as He does other biblical mandates. The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. (Romans 5.5) But the fruit of the Spirit is love. (Galatians 5.22)

          I say this fourth because God's love toward us is clearly not related to how lovable we are. Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God. (I John 3.1) God’s love for us is a bestowal, a choosing to love us, but to Israel in the Old Testament and to the church in the New Testament. Not a single individual reading this post will ever qualify to be loved by God; we do not qualify, we accept.

          I say this, fifth, because there is no example in Scripture of someone who stopped loving due to the recipient being unlovable. Love is mentioned 405 times in the Bible. If falling out of love is truly as prevalent as our society has trained us to think you would think it would be mentioned in there somewhere. But is is not. I cannot find one justified instance of anybody who actually loved someone not loving them anymore.

Lloys (l) and John R. Rice (r)

          Many years ago, Jack Hyles was being driven to a meeting. He was in the front passenger seat, and John R. Rice and his wife, Lloys, were seated in the back. Jack Hyles overheard the following snippet of conversation:

Lloys: John R., do you love me?

John R.: Yes

Lloys: Why do you love me?

John R.: Because God commanded me to.

Lloys: John R., that doesn’t turn me on.

John R.: But it won’t turn me off either.

          I suppose some readers may find that it strains credulity, but I do not. I have read Rice's books on marriage and the home; it tracks with their content. John R. Rice understood that the foundation of his love for his wife was not her physical attractiveness, her mental agility, her emotional brightness, or her spiritual fervor. His love for her did not depend on how well she kept the house, raised the children, or did the laundry. It did not depend on how tasty her cooking was, her response to his advances, or how well she managed the family budget. It depended instead on his willingness to be obedient to his Heavenly Father’s commands. It was thus a decision of his will.

          Love is a choice. Decide to love the one to whom you are married. Regardless of the circumstances.

Wife, Be Sweet to Your Husband

 

Marriage 22

 

For three things the earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: For a servant when he reigneth; and a fool when he is filled with meat; For an odious woman when she is married; and an handmaid that is heir to her mistress. (Proverbs 30.21-23)

 

          The simplest definition of the word "odious" is hateful. When a hateful woman enters the bonds of matrimony, the whole world marvels, and not in a good way. How can he stand to be married to that? She is a grouchy, nagging, bitter, argumentative battle axe of a harpie, always yelling at him, always complaining about him, always criticizing him, always finding fault with whatever he does or does not do or say.

          By contrast, and a startling one at that, place a sweet, affectionate, admiring, agreeable gem of a woman on the other side, one always complimenting her husband, always thanking him, always talking good about him, always praising him.

          Which one do you want to be married to?

          Which one do you want to be?

          Many years ago, my doorbell rang on a weekday mid-afternoon. I was startled to see one of our ladies standing at my front door. With a scowl, she thrust a folded-up piece of paper out toward me and growled, "He left me." I reached for it, unfolded it, and read the scrawled note inside. You can guess what it contained. I did the best I could at that moment to help her and continued to do so in years to come as I had already done in years past. But, as God is my witness, my first conscious thought was, "What took him so long?"

          I am here reminded of Winston Churchill's famous rejoinder in a similar scene. Seated next to a particular vociferous opponent of a woman, she gave him the business all through dinner. Finally, as if to crown her marvelous takedown of the 20^th century's most important man, she said, "Mr. Prime Minister, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea." Without missing a beat, he demolished her by replying, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

          In a different millennium on a different continent, another wise man said, It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. (Proverbs 21.9) Ten verses later, he reiterated and thus strengthened the thought. It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. (Proverbs 21.19)

          My dear sister, all the world howls after your husband. If he is the kind of man he ought to be, he battles all day long. When he comes home, he should not have to face more battles. Indeed, if he does, do not be surprised if he begins to avoid coming home. In such situations, he may and often does stop coming home altogether. A foolish woman chases her husband away; a wise woman makes him want to come home. She builds a refuge there, a castle for her king, a home for his soul, a rest for his spirit.

          Be sweet to him. Be the woman he wants to be around the most. This is the way.  

Wife, Reverence Your Husband

 

Marriage 21 

 

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5.32-33)

 

          The picture here is so helpful. On the one hand, we have Christ’s sacrificial love and tender care for the church. On the other hand, we have the church’s complete obedience and deep honor directed toward Christ. It is the wife’s portion of this picture we want to examine today.

          The dictionary defines reverence as a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe. Synonyms include admiration, adoration, approbation, approval, awe, bow, deference, deification, devotion, esteem, fealty, fear, genuflection, high esteem, homage, honor, love, loyalty, obeisance, obsequiousness, praise, prostration, respect, veneration, and worship.

          Of the three specific commands in this chapter directed toward the wife – to love her husband, to submit to her husband, and to reverence her husband – this is the more difficult one, in my opinion. After all, mothers are familiar with the idea of unconditional love no matter what the child does or is, and every mother is a woman. Generally speaking, women are better instinctively at all sorts of emotional things, including love. Respect, on the other hand, is often viewed as something that must be earned. Unconditional respect is a bit of an oxymoron. 

          In other contexts, I agree that respect should be earned, but bringing that into marriage is problematic at best. Why? Because the closer you get in a relationship the harder it is to maintain respect. Put your face six inches from the mirror, and you will clearly see all the flaws that are veiled at a distance of six feet. In a marriage, there is humanity without mystique; there is frailty, weakness, hesitation, insecurity, and sin visible. There is no earthly relationship quite so revealing or unveiling of the inner person as a long marriage.

          Put another way round, the greater the distance between us, the easier it is to cultivate respect. But the closer the relationship, the more you discover my humanity and the harder it becomes to maintain a respect so deep as to be called reverence. Of course, you can try to remind yourself of the things about me you respect in the first place, but it will be a constant battle in the face of my unveiled humanity. This is why the concept of earned respect is often damaging in a marriage; a wife knows her husband's humanity too well.

          So respect him unconditionally.

          How can you possibly do that?

          The same way you submit to him – through him to God.

          We see an Old Testament example of this in the relationship established between Moses and Aaron. And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God. (Exodus 4.16) God instructed Aaron in this context to view his brother – a man about whom he surely knew more than one or two peccadilloes – as if his brother was God. Aaron failed at this, as indicated by his and Miriam's rebellion against Moses, but if Aaron had followed God's instructions, he would not have failed.

          Many years ago, I spent two summers traveling with an older evangelist named Joe Boyd. I was just a teenager; he was in his upper sixties at the time. He had taken young men training for ministry with him every summer for years. I can only imagine the nonsense he had to put up with over those years. From time to time, Dr. Boyd would attempt to prevent the outbreak of such nonsense by preemptively warning us. On one such occasion, he was describing an interaction he had with an unruly preacher boy. The boy flatly disagreed with an instruction given to him by Dr. Boyd and said, "The Holy Spirit is leading me not to." Dr. Boyd looked at him and said, "Son, I am your Holy Spirit."

          I do not know that I would have said that, but it was not as blasphemous as it sounds. There was a clear biblical line of authority from the parent through Dr. Boyd to that young man. Just as that young man did not have the right to look at his parents and tell them the Spirit was leading him to disobey them, he could not use that line on Dr. Boyd either. Joe Boyd was to him instead of God, so to speak.

          Turning yet again to the Old Testament, we find a bad example of this. 

 

II Sam 6.15  So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

16  And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

...

20 Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!

21  And David said unto Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel: therefore will I play before the LORD.

22  And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour.

23  Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

 

          Michal’s failure here is even more startling when placed against Sarah for contrast. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. (I Peter 3.6) Sarah and Michal both were aware of unpleasant facts about their husbands, yet Sarah managed to box that out and maintain her reverence toward Abraham, while Michal signally failed at doing the same thing with David.

          The position of husband merits deep respect and reverence, as the King James Version puts it. The man in the position is not the point. Just as the wife submits through her husband to the Lord, so she extends reverence in the same manner.

          I suspect if that last sentence were carried out it would revolutionize more than a few homes in our midst.

Wife, Submit to Your Husband

 Marriage 20

 

 

          A godly wife submits to her husband. This is an exceedingly unpopular view of a wife's role in today's society. Still, as we discussed earlier in this series, we are not to get our view of marriage from society. Instead, we ought to inculcate it from the Word of God. It is to the Scriptures that I turn today. In them, we find several references to a wife submitting to her husband. Let us briefly examine them to discover what we can learn.

          First, we see that a wife’s submission to her husband came about as a result of the Fall. Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule  over thee. (Genesis 3.16) Make no mistake, women are not alone cursed as a result of sin. Men are, too. A man's curse revolves around the necessity of work to fight off a perpetual, never-ending financial insecurity he is never free of this side of the grave. A woman's curse is two-fold, as we see in this passage. First, she experiences sorrow and lives with a life-long concern for her children. Second, she is now placed in a position of submission in her marriage. I argued earlier in this series that a wife has great influence, but that influence is balanced by authority, an authority carried by her husband alone.

          Second, we see that a wife does not merely submit to her husband; she submits through her husband to the Lord. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5.22) Consequently, you are not in submission to God, no matter how much you know and do spiritually than your husband, if you are not in submission to your husband.

          Whoever bears the authority bears the responsibility also. Truman famously had a plaque on his desk that said, "The buck stops here." Your husband, not you, bears the responsibility for your family's actions and direction before God. In other words, you are not responsible for him; you are responsible to him. Many a wife of my acquaintance feels it is her job to practically be her husband's mother, or failing that, at the least, his conscience. Such a view is a failure to understand where the responsibility lies.

          Put another way round, you are responsible to him, but more so through Him to God. Your task is to submit to your husband and thus follow his leadership. Your husband's task is to submit to God and thus follow His leadership. Ergo, your husband is thus held responsible by God for his family's spiritual direction and actions.

          Long ago, one wag said it this way: submission is the fine art of ducking so God hits your husband. Since the blow will not be landing on you, the authority and responsibility do not rest on you either. Thus, in submitting to your husband's rule, you fulfill your duties to God. How can He have a problem with you in the result?

          Let us say, for example, that your husband wants to leave your church, and you do not. You should express your opinion that you desire to stay openly with him, but pair that with an explanation that you will follow him no matter what he decides. Then do it. When you conduct yourself in such a matter, you are obeying the Lord's directive for your life. The responsibility before God for the good or bad result of the decision at hand thus rests with your husband, for you have fulfilled what God intended for you.

          Alternatively, let us say for the moment that you want to leave your church, but your husband does not. You express your opinion that you desire to leave openly and frankly to him. He disagrees. You nag, bother, berate, and insist until he gives in, even though he does think it is wise and does not want to. If and when it comes from God, the blow will land on both of you, him because he failed to lead and you because you failed to follow.

          In simplest terms, you are submitting to God when you submit to your husband.

          Third, a wife’s model in this is the way the church submits to Jesus Christ. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5.24) We see a thorough submission here, literally in everything. At the same time, this thorough submission is not without the expression of your own request or opinion. Does not the church pray? Is that not, by definition, conveying its requests to the Lord? Of course. But once the Lord makes His will plainly known, the only acceptable response on the part of the church is obedience.

          If you can find room in this passage to refuse your husband, nag him to death, and whine until you get what you want, I shudder to think what your concept of church is like. On the other hand, just as with a church, a warm, sweet, intimate, joyous relationship blossoms when the bride submits in faith and good cheer to the groom.

          Fourth, a wife is to submit to her own husband. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Colossians 3.18) There may well be other men who exercise some authority over you in other areas of life, i.e., your boss at work, your pastor at church, and the policeman in the community. But what they say should never override what your husband says, nor should you ever grant them the same entire submission you grant him. Follow a designated authority in that authority’s sphere? Yes. Grant them the same blanket pledge of submission in all things? No.

          Fifth, a wife’s submission is designed to be a powerful force in drawing the husband closer to the Lord. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they may also without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. (I Peter 3.1) When you seek to follow your husband as the church follows Christ, i.e., cheerfully, in faith, thoroughly, and immediately, one would assume that the lost husband's reaction would be one of pride, arrogance, control, and bluster. And some do react in such a manner. I propose to you that such men are simply indicating their own insecurity in their leadership in the home. On the other hand, when a husband truly knows and feels that his wife trusts him and God in her submission, the opposite effect is produced. He develops an expanded sense of responsibility for her and to God. This, in turn, drives him to make careful, scriptural, spiritual decisions for his family. A godly wife's submission to her ungodly husband is a powerful force pulling him toward Christ.

          Lastly, this scriptural model of marital submission makes the wife look beautiful. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands. (I Peter 3.5) This verse summarizes the entire teaching of submission. Holy, as in a wife cannot be holy if she is not submissive. Trusted in God, as in her submission is through her husband to God, trusting in God to take care of her and hold her husband accountable. Their own husbands, as in marital submission is not to every man. The result of this is visible to all and sundry. Adorn themselves, as in making themselves look good. Women spend countless hours of time, dollars of money, and bucketloads of worry and effort seeking to beautify themselves and gain attention. Some of these things, in a proper place, are even appropriate. Yet a woman who scripturally submits to her husband has adorned herself with beauty long before she lays a brush upon her cheek.

          Any woman, or man for that matter, reading this is certainly welcome to disagree with me. As I have written this, I am conscious that for all the care I have taken, I could have worded something better here or there. I do not want to be unbalanced or to influence marriages in an unbalanced manner. But having said that, I am absolutely sure I am not mistaken about the primary point in question. Submission is not about the man's native intelligence or, power or glory. It has nothing to do with that. It is all about obeying the Lord.

          Wife, obey the Lord; submit to your husband. This may not be society's way anymore, but it is the way, for it is God's way. And when you stand before God you will be grateful you have obeyed Him in this, as in all things.     

Wife, Make Him Look Good

 

Marriage 19

 

          How do you boil a frog? Put him in a pan of water and slowly bring it up to temp. If you had dropped American Christians from 1924 into our society today, they would be horrified by a host of things we have long since begun to accept, including many of the tenets of feminism. The proof is how my title and essential point today will cause even good people to recoil immediately. Yet this is precisely part of God's plan for a wife in relation to her husband. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12.4)

          What does a crown do? Depending on the context in which it is worn, several things come to mind. Primarily, it sends the message that the wearer is a person of authority. Along the same lines, a crown causes an ordinary man or woman to look positively royal. In other words, a crown is a visible extension of the elevated position and authority of the one who wears it.

          A man looks like a better man when he has a capable, beautiful wife gazing up at him adoringly. And men, while they do not generally care how they physically look, care greatly about how they look to other people and what others think of them. I have often enough adjusted my own estimation of a man by the way his wife acts, for good or for ill. Occasionally, that mental adjustment on my part is rather drastic.

          Nor am I the only one who does so. Earlier today, I was reading William Taubman's Pulitzer Prize-winning biography of Mikhail Gorbachev. As a student at Moscow University, he was somewhat overlooked, being of poor peasant stock from a distant province. But when he won the hand of Raisa, in his words, he obtained instant prestige. How could he not? She was beautiful, cultured, intelligent, educated, and poised.

Here is a man I become acquainted with. I place his leadership ability and potential about the middle of the scale so to speak. Then I meet his wife. Suddenly, I realize I have enormously underestimated him. Consequently, I will act toward him differently going forward than I would have otherwise for the sole reason that his wife has made him look good. She is her husband's crown, revealing his otherwise unseen authority and high position.

          There are practical and philosophical ramifications to this, or perhaps I should say more noticeable and less noticeable applications of this. On the easily noticed negative side of the ledger, we see a wife who publicly interrupts her husband, disrespects his friends, dresses inappropriately, shares her disappointments and frustrations with him, nags him, compares him unfavorably to some other man, makes jokes at his expense, mocks him, or defies him, for example. Maketh ashamed, indeed. On the positive side, we see a wife who handles negative things in private, publicly speaks well of him, sees that he presents well in the sense of clothes and carriage, minds the children when he is otherwise occupied, encourages others to turn to him for advice or help, and affirms that she feels loved, satisfied, and content in her marriage. A crown, indeed.

          But I also think there is a deeper layer to this. Proverbs 31 famously shows us what is, in some real sense, the ideal wife. There we find the following: Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31.23) The implication here is that she has something to do with this. In other words, she does not just happen to be married to a publicly successful and accomplished husband. Rather, he is publicly successful and accomplished, at least in part because she married him.

          Many years ago, I heard a thought-provoking message entitled "Woman the Assembler." When she married her man, he had all or mostly all of the parts necessary to be a success, but it took a woman's deft touch and patient skill to assemble those into the man that everyone admired so much twenty years down the road.

          I feel this at the twenty-five-year mark in my marriage. My wife avoids/fulfills all or most of the surface illustrations I mentioned above. More importantly, living with her has changed me. It has grown me, molded me, shaping me into a better man. I am less sentimental and more sensible. I am more compassionate and less rattled. I am more groomed and less wild, and I am talking about the inside, not the outside. I am deeper, more wise, less angry, and less naïve than I was when I married her. And my ministry is more extensive. And the fact that this coincided with twenty-five years of living with her is not mere happenstance. She has (and is still) assembled me. If I am a king, she placed the crown on my head.

          The details of your marriage do not need to match my own, naturally, but your marriage arc should. God did not design the man and wife to share one address while building independent lives. He created the man to do a task and the woman to do all she could to help him do his task. And make him look good while he is doing it.

          If your husband is not a king, do not blame him. Look in the mirror. Repent. And go to work putting a crown on his head.