Wife, Make Him Look Good

 

Marriage 19

 

          How do you boil a frog? Put him in a pan of water and slowly bring it up to temp. If you had dropped American Christians from 1924 into our society today, they would be horrified by a host of things we have long since begun to accept, including many of the tenets of feminism. The proof is how my title and essential point today will cause even good people to recoil immediately. Yet this is precisely part of God's plan for a wife in relation to her husband. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12.4)

          What does a crown do? Depending on the context in which it is worn, several things come to mind. Primarily, it sends the message that the wearer is a person of authority. Along the same lines, a crown causes an ordinary man or woman to look positively royal. In other words, a crown is a visible extension of the elevated position and authority of the one who wears it.

          A man looks like a better man when he has a capable, beautiful wife gazing up at him adoringly. And men, while they do not generally care how they physically look, care greatly about how they look to other people and what others think of them. I have often enough adjusted my own estimation of a man by the way his wife acts, for good or for ill. Occasionally, that mental adjustment on my part is rather drastic.

          Nor am I the only one who does so. Earlier today, I was reading William Taubman's Pulitzer Prize-winning biography of Mikhail Gorbachev. As a student at Moscow University, he was somewhat overlooked, being of poor peasant stock from a distant province. But when he won the hand of Raisa, in his words, he obtained instant prestige. How could he not? She was beautiful, cultured, intelligent, educated, and poised.

Here is a man I become acquainted with. I place his leadership ability and potential about the middle of the scale so to speak. Then I meet his wife. Suddenly, I realize I have enormously underestimated him. Consequently, I will act toward him differently going forward than I would have otherwise for the sole reason that his wife has made him look good. She is her husband's crown, revealing his otherwise unseen authority and high position.

          There are practical and philosophical ramifications to this, or perhaps I should say more noticeable and less noticeable applications of this. On the easily noticed negative side of the ledger, we see a wife who publicly interrupts her husband, disrespects his friends, dresses inappropriately, shares her disappointments and frustrations with him, nags him, compares him unfavorably to some other man, makes jokes at his expense, mocks him, or defies him, for example. Maketh ashamed, indeed. On the positive side, we see a wife who handles negative things in private, publicly speaks well of him, sees that he presents well in the sense of clothes and carriage, minds the children when he is otherwise occupied, encourages others to turn to him for advice or help, and affirms that she feels loved, satisfied, and content in her marriage. A crown, indeed.

          But I also think there is a deeper layer to this. Proverbs 31 famously shows us what is, in some real sense, the ideal wife. There we find the following: Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31.23) The implication here is that she has something to do with this. In other words, she does not just happen to be married to a publicly successful and accomplished husband. Rather, he is publicly successful and accomplished, at least in part because she married him.

          Many years ago, I heard a thought-provoking message entitled "Woman the Assembler." When she married her man, he had all or mostly all of the parts necessary to be a success, but it took a woman's deft touch and patient skill to assemble those into the man that everyone admired so much twenty years down the road.

          I feel this at the twenty-five-year mark in my marriage. My wife avoids/fulfills all or most of the surface illustrations I mentioned above. More importantly, living with her has changed me. It has grown me, molded me, shaping me into a better man. I am less sentimental and more sensible. I am more compassionate and less rattled. I am more groomed and less wild, and I am talking about the inside, not the outside. I am deeper, more wise, less angry, and less naïve than I was when I married her. And my ministry is more extensive. And the fact that this coincided with twenty-five years of living with her is not mere happenstance. She has (and is still) assembled me. If I am a king, she placed the crown on my head.

          The details of your marriage do not need to match my own, naturally, but your marriage arc should. God did not design the man and wife to share one address while building independent lives. He created the man to do a task and the woman to do all she could to help him do his task. And make him look good while he is doing it.

          If your husband is not a king, do not blame him. Look in the mirror. Repent. And go to work putting a crown on his head.     

         

 

           

Wife, Be Prudent

 

Marriage 18

 

          I believe marriage is a gift from God, both in the abstract and in the concrete. In other words, marriage is a gift to humanity, writ large, and to myself, personally. I view my wife in this way as God's gift to me. And that is the scriptural view. House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord. (Proverbs 19.14) If every good gift and every perfect gift cometh down from above, from the Father (James 1.17), my wife is undoubtedly chief among them. God saw my lack and sent me someone specifically designed to fill that lack.

          …but that is not actually my point with today's post. I draw your attention to the adjective in front of the word wife there. Prudent. This is what a God-given wife is supposed to be, amongst other things. And this character trait is tied explicitly to the fact that she is a gift directly from God.

          What is prudence? Loosely defined, it means to look forward, to see what is coming down the pike, and to adjust your current actions accordingly. Prudence thus implies two things. First, it implies a great deal of forward-looking. Prudence respects the past but faces forward. Prudence pays attention to the present but always keeps its gaze on the future. Having ascertained the future, second, prudence implies a great deal of thinking. If old age is coming, what does this mean for me? What does it mean for those I love? If I fail to adjust, what will result? If I succeed in adjusting, what does that look like in the present? Prudence is forward-facing contemplation.

          Let us now apply this to a wife's role in marriage. In what areas or in what ways does a wife exercise prudence?

          First, a wife should be prudent in her dealings with her husband. Scripture elsewhere tells a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge. (I Peter 3.7) Although it is not directly stated, the same is implied from the wife to the husband. A wife should ask the question, "If I do such and such, what will my husband do? How will he respond?" She should also know the answers to these questions. This is dwelling with him according to knowledge. She should then adjust her actions/non-actions accordingly. This is dwelling with him according to prudence.

          A prudent wife is almost never surprised by anything about her husband. In fact, it could be argued that a wife could and should be able to see things before her husband. And a husband who understands that listens most carefully to his wife. What has long been labeled womanly intuition is better labeled a prudent wife.

          Second, a wife should be prudent in her dealings with other men. Jealousy is a rage in a man (Proverbs 6.34). Such a fact does not make his jealousy acceptable in the eyes of God, but it does make it actual. This is my 25^th year of marriage. In all those years, I have never had one cause to be jealous. My wife has been conscious of her testimony, her integrity, and my heart. There are, of course, some women who have been taught to play with a man’s heart so as to arouse his jealousy. Foolish wives may do so; prudent wives know better.

          Third, a wife should be prudent in the handling of the children.

Each child gifted into our stewardship by the Lord is as unique as a snowflake. They are not built on assembly lines; they are created as individuals, first in the mind of God and then in the body of the mother. As such, they must be parented as individuals. Yes, certain things are true of boys, and other things are true of girls. Nevertheless, each child is its own person. A prudent mother knows her child better than any other human being ever will, perhaps. Applying that knowledge, she looks down the road to see what is coming and adjusts her mothering accordingly.

What a gift such a wife and such a mother is!

Fourth, a wife should be prudent in her handling of the household. Hopefully, my readers are familiar with the lady referenced in Proverbs 31 and will see the immediate connections. Scripturally, the Lord places upon the husband and father the responsibility of providing for the home. Just as scripturally, we see the wife and mother take the responsibility to ensure that what he provides she uses and spends and invests wisely. Ergo, she budgets, saves, and makes do. She plots how to subsidize the income. What she does not do is put even more pressure on her husband to produce a greater income. She is too prudent for that.  

It is ineffably sad when a wife fails in this area. She often hamstrings her husband’s ability to serve the Lord, and her children rarely rise up to call her blessed. (Proverbs 31.28)       

Fifth, a wife should be prudent in preparing for succeeding life stages. She looks forward and thinks about what she sees a great deal. Prior to marriage, she prepares herself for the honor and duties of marriage. Prior to motherhood, she prepares herself for the significant changes and opportunities it will bring. Prior to having children of school age, she plans for the schedule changes and life emphasis those years bring. Prior to having teenagers, she parents intentionally to prepare her children to succeed in those crucial years. Prior to being empty nesters, she trims the sails and adjusts the course of their marriage. Prior to retirement, she develops plans A, B, C, and D, all while trusting the Lord's word and work in their life. 

It is a peaceful June Sunday afternoon as I write this on my back porch. The sun is shining, the air is sweet with the fragrance of flowers, and the birds are cheerfully singing here at Saint’s Rest. My life is filled with the goodness of the Lord. But amongst all my earthly blessings, there is none other to be compared with my prudent wife. She is from the Lord, and I am deeply grateful to both of them for it.

Wife, You Have Influence

 

Marriage 17

 

          "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary."

          Who does not love It’s A Wonderful Life? Certainly, none of my readers would be so curmudgeonly. I am quite sure that each of you will sit down on Christmas Day in your slippers with your hot cocoa and watch it together as a family. This is the way. But I digress…

          When a man loves a woman, there is not much he will not do for her.

You can see this clearly and often in Scripture on the negative side. In the Garden of Eden, at the dawn of time, Eve was deceived by the devil, but Adam was not. (I Timothy 2.14) Adam disobeyed God knowingly and willfully. Why? The only argument that makes sense to me is that he did not want Eve to face the consequences alone. Moving forward a few millennia, we find a couple so godless, Ahab and Jezebel, that I have never met anyone with either name. Yet, who was the moving force behind their evil? But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the Lord, whom Jezebel his wife stirred up. (I Kings 21.25) Fast forward again to the time of Christ, and we see the beheading of a man Jesus said was equal to the greatest man ever to live, John the Baptist. (Matthew 11.11) What or who caused the death of this peerless prophet? A woman, Herodias. She urged her husband to imprison him. (Matthew 14.3) She pimped her own daughter out to her husband to motivate him to cut off John's head. (Matthew 14.8)

The point of the previous paragraph is not that women are evil. It is that women have an inherent ability to move a man in the direction they want him to go. Why did Jacob serve Laban for so long? Israel served for a wife, and for a wife he kept sheep. (Hosea 12.12) What motivated the Old Testament slave to willingly remain in slavery when he could have been set free? And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free. (Exodus 21.5) A man’s love for a good woman is at the heart of each of these scriptural illustrations as well.

There is an old saying, "Man is the head, but woman is the neck that turns the head."

"Sure, Pastor Brennan. Dream on. I've been trying to change my husband for nigh on twenty years now. It can't be done."

That is because you are trying to change him. Men resist being pushed around by a woman. Instinctively, when a woman overtly seeks to change them, the man sees it as a threat to his masculinity. Out of pure cussed orneriness, he will sometimes even move in the opposite direction. Solomon, who knew a thing or two about a woman's influence said, The contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. (Proverbs 19.13) Nagging him is not going to move him. It will only annoy him and build in him an increasing resistance to what you are trying to get him to do and be.

"Then explain it to me. You're telling me I have great influence over my husband with one breath and in the next breath telling me my man will grow more and more resistant."

The latter is true if he feels threatened, but the former is true if he feels love for you. When you as a wife concentrate on your primary responsibilities – to reverence and submit – your husband responds with his primary responsibility – love. God designed marriage this way. Each minister to the other and, in turn, produces what the other needs. Once that love is flowing from him to you, he will do just about anything for you. Not because you hassled him into it but because he wants to. Your influence is born out of his love. Up to and including lassoing the moon.

If you, as a wife, will dedicate yourself to your primary biblical responsibilities, you will hold his heart in the palm of your hand. For the love of all that is holy, do not waste that.

Use it wisely.         

Wife, View Your Marriage As a Ministry

 Marriage 16

 

          Several months ago, we began this series on marriage by exploring how God views marriage. We should get our view of marriage from Him as much as possible. Next, we turned our attention to the husband, and for two months, we looked at his responsibilities in marriage. Now, we will spend the next several weeks looking at the wife's obligations.

          I Corinthians 7 is one of the thorniest chapters in the entire Bible. This is both because it is somewhat complex in places and because the subject matter is not easily handled or often discussed. Having said that, there is much good material in it that pertains to marriage, including this verse: The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

          A careless reading assumes Paul is praising the single life and criticizing the married life. Such is not the case. As he develops in the context, there are advantages to being unmarried. You are more free to serve the Lord. You have more money, more available time, more mental focus, and can put more energy into serving the Lord than a husband or wife can, especially if they have children. Spouses have responsibilities toward one another, and parents have responsibilities toward children that can and often do limit their ability to serve the Lord freely. This is not wrong; it is how God designed it. There are downsides to being free of marital or parental duties, but surely one of the benefits is an increased ability to join in with the work of the Lord.

          Though that is Paul’s primary point in context, there is yet an application here for wives. She is supposed to take care to please her husband. I doubt any feminists read after me, but I care not if they do. God tells us in the Scripture record that a wife is to prioritize ministering to her husband above any other aspect of her life besides her relationship with the Lord. He is a more important ministry than your children, your parents,  your career, or your church. Once married, her husband is to be her primary duty and focus.

          We see this exemplified from the beginning. And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Genesis 2.18) The idea of the phrase help meet in the original language is that of one who is particularly suited for him. Think of a puzzle with a missing piece. You cannot throw just anything in there; it must be a piece that fits the absence precisely. In this sense, a man is essentially incomplete until he gets married. Assuming he chooses wisely, she completes him; she fits him.

          But why? So she can help him. God did not parachute a wife into my life so that I could walk into church with a trophy on my arm and impress everyone. I asked my wife once where she was all my life. She said, "Growing up." I searched meticulously for someone that would fit me and what I believed God wanted me to do with my life. While I was searching, God was painstakingly preparing her to suit my needs precisely as I serve Him. She fits me and then helps me as I seek to do God's will.

          I do not mean to imply here that a wife should not have a ministry beyond her husband, nor do I have much patience with those who would hide their carnality behind such sophistry. My wife is a soul winner, a counselor, a discipler, and a teacher at our church. She sings in the choir and plays a musical instrument in almost every service. She excels at coordinating events and extending hospitality. She leads a homeschool group. More importantly, she is an astonishingly good mother. Yet, in all this, she has not left the role of wife to second fiddle in the least. For twenty-four years, we have served the Lord together as man and wife. We are a team. She is the second half of me, the better half, as the term says. She is the best earthly gift God has ever given me.

          My sister, you have several God-given responsibilities in marriage. But amongst the rest, underneath them all, so to speak, is this one: your marriage is your most important ministry.   

An Opportunity or Two

 

   

      My wife, Mandy, and I made the decision to shift to homeschooling our children fifteen years ago. In that time, two of our children have finished high school. Though I have helped her in that she has borne the lion’s share of the responsibility. Along the way, we have used a variety of curriculums but the one Mandy finds the most versatile and well-rounded is BJU Press Homeschool. From her perspective, it is well-designed, academically solid, user friendly, and functions well with multiple children or grade levels. She also specifically cites in its favor the fact it uses the KJV and develops a biblical worldview in the student.

          Recently, Mandy made the decision to become a consultant for Homeworks by Precept, the organization that distributes BJU Press Homeschool. As she says in her bio, “I was helped more than ten years ago at a BJU Press Homeschool booth by a caring and knowledgeable consultant, and I hope to be that for you.”

          If you would like to reach out to her to discuss homeschooling in general and curriculum in particular, you can find her email and text contact information here: homeworksbyprecept.com/Mandy-Brennan

          On an unrelated note, one of the lesser known aspects of Brennan’s Pen is Brennan’s Pulpit. I do not stream our church services, but I do make each of my sermons available to anyone who is interested in them. This week, I am beginning a new Wednesday night series entitled, “Character is King.” Godly Christian character is disappearing rapidly in our generation, but it is an absolute essential if you are going to build a solid, successful, stable Christian life. Some of the related subjects we will consider is what character is, character and reputation, character and emotion, character and accountability, and how to build godly character. We will discuss what the Bible teaches about specific character traits such as compassion, loyalty, consistency, responsibility, stability, courage, perseverance, gratitude, excellence, patriotism, gentleness, diligence, cheerfulness, purity, toughness, duty, frugality, generosity, contentment, humility, respect, fairness, and the work ethic.

          If you are already a subscriber to Brennan’s Pulpit you do not need to do anything; you will receive these messages as you normally do. If you are not a subscriber but you would like to become one simply reply to this email or send me a direct message on social media and asked to be added and I will take care of it. There is no charge; expenses are underwritten by my Patreon supporters.

          The blog series on marriage resumes next Monday. See you then.

Husband, Lead Your Wife

 

Marriage 15

 

          If I had to choose the single most significant mistake husbands make in their marriage, it might be last week's post about prayer. But if it is not that one, then it is this one. I grow weary thinking of the catalog of men I have known who have failed in this area. Cowardice? Often. Fear? Maybe. Misguided ideas that equate leadership with dictatorship and thus avoid it? Perhaps. Acceptance of 21^st-century worldly philosophies of feminism? Possibly. Laziness? In some, I suppose. But for whatever "reason," entirely too many of God's people have built the kind of marriage where the husband does not lead. And that is well nigh a tragedy.

          How do I know a husband is supposed to lead his wife? Paul used that term in reference to a husband’s work in marriage in I Corinthians 9.5. Additionally, the plainly emphasized call for a wife to submit herself to her husband in Ephesians 5 strongly implies as much. The illustration here, of Christ's relationship to the church being the model of the husband/wife in marriage, practically demands the husband lead. Yes, I am aware of how unpopular such notions are nowadays. But I assume my readers already reject the notion of trying to square scriptural doctrine with the circles of the world's opinion. Suffice it to say that the biblical marriage designed by God contains a wife who follows a husband who leads.

          Having established that, or at least expostulated the idea, it begs the question: what is leadership then? Some years ago, I did a rather developed study of the subject. I offer three definitions, all of which apply to the husband leading his wife.

          First, leadership is serving. Jesus made that crystal clear in the Gospels: Whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant. (Mark 20.27) This is the most critical thing to understand about leadership. It is not getting those beneath you to do what you want; it is ministering to them so carefully and so well that they instinctively hand you influence over their lives.

Which is the second definition of leadership: influence. Have you ever heard that readers are leaders? That is because the more you read, the more you know, the more you know, the more people will turn to you for direction, and the more people turn to you for direction, the more they will move in line with your counsel. That is influence. In fact, that is precisely why I write: to influence or move people toward a particular belief or behavior.

The third definition of leadership is the one they gave me in school, and it is pretty good. Leadership is the ability to create in others the desire to follow you. Leadership is thus not dictatorship. It is not demanding as much as it is motivating. A good leader provokes within you a desire to go where he is going. He strikes the chords of sympathy and respect deftly, and the resulting music moves you. If you have experienced the blessing of serving under a good leader at some point, you understand me here.  

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should serve her, prioritizing her needs and figuring out how to meet them. The result will be a wife who trusts her husband and has her best interests at heart. She will follow him because he is good at helping her with what she needs.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should influence her. He should consciously seek to shape her thinking, her beliefs, her priorities, and her actions. Rather than mandating them, he should figure out how to move her to the positions and choices he deems wise. Without squelching her person or stifling her individuality. Without treating her as a child. With patience, tact, wisdom, prayer, service, and love.

A husband is supposed to lead his wife. He should create in her the desire to go where he wants their marriage to go. I do not mean that he should manipulate her into thinking the precise way he thinks. That would be foolish and useless. I mean that a wise husband seeks to cultivate his wife’s desire to be one flesh. He builds on their union and brings them together to face the same direction as they move forward in life. Because she wants to. How, you ask? Well, he created within her the desire to marry him, did he not? Copy that. Do it again.

Allow me two other brief thoughts here in conclusion. First, the husband leads by example. He does not recline in the easy chair and tell her to work harder. The scriptural illustration is Christ and the church. One of the remarkable things about Jesus is that He never asks us to do what He Himself has not done first, never asks us to go where He Himself has not gone, never calls on us to be what He Himself has not first been. The same is true of the husband in relation to his wife.

Second, a husband's leadership must include initiative. There is wisdom in knowing the right time to move. Patience is sometimes required as things develop. But for the love of all that is holy, make a decision. Move in a direction. Do not sit there, content to watch the slow-motion deterioration of your family, and then come to my office and tell me there was nothing you could do. There absolutely is. Lead. Be out front. Be going somewhere. Bring them along with you.

Now then, I commend you, men, for your patience. I have spoken to you first as is appropriate for your leadership position. Beginning next week, I will turn my attention to the other side of the marriage. What should a wife be and do in a marriage? We will tackle that next. Stay tuned. 

Husband, Pray for Your Wife

 

Marriage 14

 

          There is little, if anything, more difficult in a woman's life than the inability to bear children. In a real sense, it attacks her at the very core of who she is and how she views herself. It ruins her purpose, so to speak. In our modern society, it is not unusual to find women who have willingly set this off to the side as they pursue their own agendas, but in God's people, such thinking is rare, and rightly so. A woman has more purpose than to bear and rear children but make no mistake, that is a significant part of her purpose.

          Understanding this, then, I want to set before you two examples in Scripture of women who were unable to bear children. Perhaps I should say rather, two examples of husbands with wives in that condition since this post is aimed at husbands. One of these husbands handled it well; the other handled it poorly.

          In I Samuel 1 we find the story of a broken-hearted Hannah, desperate because she cannot conceive. Her husband, displaying a staggering ignorance of the depth of his wife’s pain, responded horrifically. Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons? (I Samuel 1.8) I am not surprised the Word of God does not record her answer. It probably involved hurling a plate at the man’s head.

          Isaac, on the other hand, responded much better to Rachel. Though Scripture does not tell us what he said, it does tell us what he did: And Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren: and the Lord was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. (Genesis 25.21) There is so much left unsaid there, but what is said is spoken beautifully. He saw the depth of her need, and he got down on the knees of his heart and begged God to be gracious to his wife. As He always does, God heard. As He often does, God answered lavishly.

          My brother, if you truly see your marriage as a ministry, what greater way could you minister to her than by praying for her? Ministry of any sort is entirely dependent on prayer. This one is no different. What does she need? What does she want? When these are beyond your power, as they often will be, ask God. Ask Him repeatedly. Ask Him fervently. Ask Him in all seasons of life. Take your precious wife in your hands and lift them up before the throne of grace.

          I realize that only some people who read my blog are in vocational ministry. Nevertheless, a large portion of those who read it do have such a ministry, and I would venture to say most of the rest are active in serving the Lord through their church. I grew up in a ministry home. My father accepted his first pastorate mere weeks before I was born. All too often, preacher's kids, as they are called, resent the ministry because it seems to pull their father away from them. Such was not my experience, and I am grateful. My father did not prioritize his public ministry above the one found in the confines of his own home. Yet you and I both know men who have and wives and children who have suffered as a result.

          Shame on you if you pray more for somebody else’s family members than you do for your own family members. You have no higher earthly relationship than the wife of your youth and the mother of your children. You have no higher calling than that of being her husband. You have no more compelling responsibility than her.

It may be you find within yourself the inability to bring your wife rest, to love your wife, to trust your wife, to praise your wife, or to tell her she is beautiful sincerely. Take that need in your heart to Him; it is at the throne you will find the grace to help you in your time of need, to help you be to her what she needs you to be. 

Alternatively, the lack you sense may not be in your heart, but in your wallet or your circumstances or something else. Go to Him, my brother. Tell Him how much you love her, how much she needs, what it is that you cannot give, and ask the Lord to provide it out of His bounteous wealth. Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves… He will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (Luke 11.5-9)  

I do not know any perfect pastors. I certainly am not one myself. I know what it is like to sit in my car, weeping, parked in front of some church member's house at midnight, and ask God to make up for the lack in my pastoring. I also know what it is like to bow before Him and beseech Him to make up for the lack in my husbanding. Tonight, as I lay down in bed beside my wife of twenty-four years, I will do so as the recipient of the largesse of God's grace at work in my marriage. It would be wise, indeed, for me to ask Him for more. I need it. She needs it. We need it.

So ask.   

Husband, Tell Your Wife She Is Beautiful

 

Marriage 13

 

          There are various schools of thought on interpreting the Song of Solomon. I lean toward the one that views it as celebrating an actual love story rather than an allegorized representation of something else. If I am correct, it is interesting to note that the husband in the Song of Solomon told his wife on at least ten occasions that she was beautiful. These were said directly to her. That is in addition to numerous other similes and metaphors that express similar thoughts.

1:15  Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes.

1:16  Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.

2:10  My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

2:13  The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

4:1  Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

4:7  Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.

6:4  Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners.

6:10  Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners?

7:1  How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

7:6  How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

          Of course, every long marriage is a love story of lifelong proportions. In that love story, there will be many chapters. When they first meet and decide to marry, she is naturally beautiful to him. They are both young, and God is gracious to allow young people the gift and burden of being attractive to one another. But as the pages of their love story turn and the chapters mount, that natural, early beauty transitions to something else. By no means is it gone. No, that is not the right word. Not gone, but grown deeper.

          I am thinking here of that wonderful turn of phrase, the beauty of holiness. There is something ineffably and gloriously beautiful about an old soul that has served God and loved Him for many years. The beauty may shine out of a face creased with lines and worn with care, but shine it does nonetheless.

          In a similar manner, both the young and the old husband may genuinely and frequently compliment their wife on her beauty. The former does so as naturally as breathing, but the latter's compliments are deeper. They are born of a lifetime of care lived in service to her husband and her children. Everything about her life is beautiful. And when he looks at her, that is what he actually sees: a woman who is most beautiful to him. Could he find someone younger? Always. Could he find someone more beautiful to him? Never.

          So tell her.

          Men and women are similarly different in this respect. A man of every age walks past a mirror and sees himself automatically as devastatingly handsome. A woman of every age walks past a mirror and is automatically assaulted by her devastating series of flaws. They both care how they look, to some extent, but the man does not need reassurance; he needs his delusion checked. The woman, however, needs reassured. So tell her.

          How often? As often as she needs you to do so. As often as the example husband in the Song of Solomon. As often as she is beautiful. There are a number of good answers here, but they all involve one particular term: often.

          Husband, tell your wife she is beautiful. It is biblical. It is correct. It is needed. It is good for both of you.

          Tell her.   

Husband, Praise Your Wife

 

Marriage 12

 

          A wife should praise her husband exuberantly, excitedly, exquisitely, and extravagantly. Or at least that is what is often said, with some justification. (We will get to that after a while in this series.) What is not as usually said but bears saying is that a husband should praise his wife. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. (Proverbs 31.28)

When I reach back into the dim recesses of my memory, I can recall my mother emphasizing the first part of this verse to me. I did not understand why she did then; I understand it now and have consciously sought to do so. I have also heard the same from those preaching about or referencing the Proverbs 31 lady. But with rare exceptions, the latter portion of the verse has been notoriously neglected. Almost always, when praise or respect or reverencing comes up in the marriage discussion, the street we find ourselves on is one way à from the wife to the husband. My point is not a criticism of the call for a wife to reverence her husband; it is that this respect and commendation is not a one-way street.

A husband should praise his wife to his children.

It would be too much to say that a husband understands what a mother is and does, but it would not be too much to say a husband knows better than anybody what his children's mother is and does. He was there when each child was conceived, carried, and born, with all the attendant trouble to the mother. He was there when the child exhausted her in the infant stage. He was there when the child wearied her in the toddler stage. He has been there through the labour and sorrow of each successive stage of parenting as well. He knows the cost, for he has watched her pay it unselfishly hour by hour, week by week, month by month, and year by year.

Husband, tell your children how wonderful their mother is.

A husband should praise his wife to his friends.

The natural human condition is one of complaint. "Let me tell you about my lumbago, sonny." This tendency to complain is aggravated when we are amongst friends such that we can relax around them. Then it is our troubles pour out as we lean into the sympathetic ear. Sometimes, we even subconsciously seek to outdo the other complainers around us in an effort to gain more sympathy and admiration for what we endure. In the context of this blog post, it represents itself as the husband complaining to the boys while they are bowling of a Tuesday night.

"You think your old lady is bad? I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Wow. She's in rare form tonight, giving me grief for all kinds of stuff I didn't even do. And you would think, with as much time as she has sitting on her duff, that she could get dinner on the stove in time and clean up a bit around the place. Watch me now, fellas. This one'll be a strike for sure."

There are several ways to ensure the foolishness of the prior paragraph does not come to life, but one of the best is surely this: praise your wife to your friends. It turns the conversation onto a higher plane and prevents you from griping later when you have a mind to. Such praise can also motivate the husband listening to find reasons to do the same for his own wife.

Husband, praise your wife to your coworkers—especially the female ones. Indeed, the more attractive a coworker is, the more your conversations around her ought to reference the joy, happiness, and satisfaction you find in your marriage.

This praise does not have to be ugly. “My wife is gorgeous. You could take a lesson here, Bertha." Rather, the praise of a wife comes up naturally in a man's conversation when he discusses his life. His wife is a major part of his life, and his discussion should thus naturally be filled with references to her. Choose to make them positive references. All the other women in the place will get the point.

Above all, husband, praise your wife to her. Although word of your praise of her to others will get back to her, it will do her soul a world of good when you praise her in her presence. A good wife constantly gives of herself. The devil loves to tempt her with the lie that no one notices, no one cares. Encourage her heart by telling her you notice.

Did you ever hear the term self-fulfilling prophecy? It implies a statement regarding the future which impacts the future in the very way you state. It produces the conditions that create the fulfillment it predicted. A husband who complains about his wife to all and sundry will find his wife shrinks away from the selfless toil necessary to be a good wife. His very criticism produces the result he says he does not want.

Well, beloved, the reverse is also true. People become their praise. Tell her how valuable she is, and she will become yet more valuable. Remind her of her true worth to you and to others. Never let her forget it. Insulate her from discontent and the disease of feeling like a failure. It is not pride you will produce, but joy and contentment and a willingness to continue to give herself away.

All glory and praise belong to God, surely, but Scripture makes plain that some of it belongs to deserving people. Your wife is the most deserving of people. Praise her.

      

Husband, Trust Your Wife

 

Marriage 11

 

          Proverbs is an astounding book of the Bible. The staggering wealth of wisdom therein contained is indescribable. Amongst other gems, one chapter has become justifiably synonymous with an exemplary lady. We quietly point out such a one to our children and whisper, "There goes a Proverbs 31 woman." Yet, although that chapter does define what a good woman is, there are some overlooked instructions for the husband here as well. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (Proverbs 31.10-11)

          I accept that this is set before us primarily as an instruction for women, but the corollary we draw here today is likewise true: husband, trust your wife.

          The most foundational necessity in fulfilling this instruction is choosing the right kind of woman to be your wife. Many a man has a heart filled with doubts about his wife, and those doubts are well placed. She is not a good woman. She does not love the Lord. Her character and his experience make the trust issues between them deep and wide. But although that is true, it is almost certainly not true for most people who read this blog. Put another way round, in my pastoral experience, the lack of trust on the part of husbands for wives is not because of the wives' doubtful character; it is because the husbands have failed to cultivate that trust.

          Let me make three practical connections for you in this area.

          First, the husband should trust his wife in her interactions with others.

          I have known some overbearing, paranoid, ever-suspicious husbands in my lifetime. They remind me of nothing less than the typical Muslim husband who keeps his wife locked away from public life and allows her out only under tightly controlled and supervised circumstances. I have known some husbands who demand to know where she is at every moment of the day, demand to know who she talks to on the phone, and trawl through her personal emails and internet history routinely. Such men do not want their wives to have friends, preferring they remain home whenever possible. They get especially upset when she talks too much to any other man.

          Good parenting, at some level, always involves being suspicious about what your children are up to. Your wife is not your child. Do not treat her as one. If you do, she will not react well to it over the long term. If she has any sense of spirit, she will fight you, will resist the soul-crushing box into which you are putting her. If she does not have spirit, she will almost inevitably develop severe emotional or mental problems as a result of such treatment. Either way, a wedge will be driven into your marriage just where a weld ought to be.

          Second, the husband should trust his wife’s judgment.

          This is a bigger problem than the last one. I know a number of men who seem to think a weaker vessel means dumb or unspiritual. Such men combine this sketchy biblical interpretation with their natural arrogance, and consequently, they rarely, if ever, ask their wives what they think about anything. Let me address such men directly. If you believe your wife is dumb, what does that say about her choice of you? If you think your wife is unspiritual, what does that say about your leadership?

          My brother, ask your wife about everything. I do not mean in an investigative sense; I mean in a counsel sense. She is on your side. Her womanly perspective is highly valuable, and her intuition is often priceless.

I used to tell my son, “You don’t have to make the wrong decision to prove it is your decision.” In similar terms, you do not have to exhibit your leadership by refusing to ask your wife’s opinion. That does not demonstrate the authority you think it does; it reveals the insecurity you vainly struggle to hide. I am not asking you to cede your responsibility as a husband. I am not asking you to ask her to make your hard decisions. I am asking you to trust her judgment.

          Lastly, the husband should trust his wife with his heart.

          Every bit of my life experience, combined with every book on marriage I have ever read, has convinced me of two things. First, men are scared to reveal what is really in their hearts. They are afraid they will be laughed at and that their dreams will be mocked. Or worse, that their wife will be apathetic when this long-cherished, carefully-designed step into the future is laid before them. Second, women desperately want their men to do so. They deeply desire the soul intimacy that comes when a man trusts his heart in their hands.

          My brother, tell her. Take her aside to some quiet place, summon your courage, take her hand, look into her eyes, and tell her your dreams. You married her in order to merge your lives together. How can you ever accomplish that if you keep the most essential part of your heart to yourself because you are scared to show it to her? If she is the kind of woman I suspect her to be she will respect you more for it, not less. She will feel closer to you because of it. Trust her with your heart, and she will richly repay your love's vulnerability.

          Do husbands trust their wives because they are virtuous women, or are women virtuous because their husbands trust them? Perhaps the best answer to that question is yes. Either way, know this: a woman will not flourish under the care of a suspicious, arrogant, emotionally closed-off partner.

          Husband, trust your wife.